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Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: +8Rich] #107026
05/10/12 07:50 AM
05/10/12 07:50 AM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
J
Jack The Lad Offline
Posting Desperado
Jack The Lad  Offline
Posting Desperado
Talk Morgan Guru
J

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop ,
a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt .
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on , she became aware that the skirt was to tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver ,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little ,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg .
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind to unzip her skirt a little more .
For the second time attempted the step , and, once again much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver , she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step .
About this time , a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the bus .
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched " How dare you touch my body ! I dont even know who you are !"
The Texan smiled and drawled " Well ma'am , normally I would agree with you , but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends. "

Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Jack The Lad] #107030
05/10/12 08:08 AM
05/10/12 08:08 AM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
J
Jack The Lad Offline
Posting Desperado
Jack The Lad  Offline
Posting Desperado
Talk Morgan Guru
J

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.

Between 18 and 22 , a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered , half wild, fertile, and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30,
a woman is like Europe .
Well-developed and open to trade,
especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35,
a woman is like Spain, very hot,
relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 , a woman is like Greece,
gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britian , with a glorious and all conquering past .

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through the war , doesn't make the same mistake twice , and takes care of business .

Between 61 and 70 a woman is like Canada , self-preserving , but open to meeting new people.

After 70 , she is like Tibet,
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN.

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran,
ruled by nuts.

2 minute management lesson [Re: +8Rich] #107035
05/10/12 08:18 AM
05/10/12 08:18 AM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,283
R
recycled-teenager Offline
Has a lot to Say!
recycled-teenager  Offline
Has a lot to Say!
R

Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,283

Why a two minute management lesson?

Because we all need some management "Continuing Education" every once in awhile.

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"The eagle answered, "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.



Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very high up.



Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey , "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of manure and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
Next day,? after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.



Management Lesson: Bull dermot might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.




Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out.

He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.




Management Lessons:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of dermot is your friend.

(3) When you're in deep dermot, it's best to keep your mouth shut.



This ends your two-minute management course.


Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: +8Rich] #107038
05/10/12 08:33 AM
05/10/12 08:33 AM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,283
R
recycled-teenager Offline
Has a lot to Say!
recycled-teenager  Offline
Has a lot to Say!
R

Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,283
The CAA finally caught up with their backlog of paperwork and realised that Santa had never been licensed as a pilot.

After a protracted exchange of correspondence the CAA insisted that he was tested and a date arranged.

At the prearranged date the examiner turned up at Santa’s home and gave Santa the exam briefing.

After the briefing Santa put the Reindeer into their harnesses and attached them to the sleigh (pre-flight checks). The examiner was checking things off on his clipboard and checking everything Santa did. Once the pre-flight checks were complete and a weather forecast re-checked Santa asked the examiner if he could take off.

The examiner looked a bit flustered and said he had left something in his 4x4 and got out of the sleigh. He returned with a shotgun.

Santa asked ‘What is the gun for? I am a man of peace and goodwill’

The examiner replied ‘ I shouldn’t really tell you this but as a test condition you are going to suffer engine failure on take off’

Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Jack The Lad] #107040
05/10/12 08:37 AM
05/10/12 08:37 AM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
J
Jack The Lad Offline
Posting Desperado
Jack The Lad  Offline
Posting Desperado
Talk Morgan Guru
J

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
A man is driving down a deserted streach of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye ....... It reads :

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILE.

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads :

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILE .

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying :

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive . On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading :

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell .
the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you , my son?"

He answers, "I saw your sign along the high way and was interested in possibly doing business ...."

'Ver well my son . Please follow me .' he is lead through many winding passages and is soon quiet disoriented . The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man , ' Please knock on this door .'

He does so and another nun in a long habit ,holding a tin cup answers the door .... This nun instructs, ' Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup , eagerly trot's down the hall and slip's through the door pulling it shut behind him .

The door lock's and he find's himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.

Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Jack The Lad] #107041
05/10/12 08:38 AM
05/10/12 08:38 AM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,190
South Wales UK
GLLHG Offline
South Wales Correspondent
GLLHG  Offline
South Wales Correspondent
Talk Morgan Expert

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,190
South Wales UK
Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.

Between 18 and 22 , a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered , half wild, fertile, and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30,
a woman is like Europe .
Well-developed and open to trade,
especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35,
a woman is like Spain, very hot,
relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 , a woman is like Greece,
gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britian , with a glorious and all conquering past .

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through the war , doesn't make the same mistake twice , and takes care of business .

Between 61 and 70 a woman is like Canada , self-preserving , but open to meeting new people.

After 70 , she is like Tibet,
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.



John, stop being so 'picky' and check their bank accounts. As a Northeasterner, you shouldn't have to be told that!! thumbs

Cheers
G


GLLHG
Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: GLLHG] #107072
05/10/12 01:25 PM
05/10/12 01:25 PM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
J
Jack The Lad Offline
Posting Desperado
Jack The Lad  Offline
Posting Desperado
Talk Morgan Guru
J

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
I am not that brave hide



John, stop being so 'picky' and check their bank accounts. As a Northeasterner, you shouldn't have to be told that!! thumbs

Cheers
G [/quote]

Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Jack The Lad] #107095
05/10/12 03:24 PM
05/10/12 03:24 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 11,596
Mandello del Lario, Lake Como,...
Gambalunga Offline
Member of the Inner Circle
Gambalunga  Offline
Member of the Inner Circle

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 11,596
Mandello del Lario, Lake Como,...
Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
I am not that brave hide
Originally Posted By GLLHG
John, stop being so 'picky' and check their bank accounts. As a Northeasterner, you shouldn't have to be told that!! thumbs

Cheers
G


Don't know why but that makes me think of this



Scrumpy anyone?

PS. I do realise tha Somerset is in the South West

Last edited by Gambalunga; 05/10/12 03:33 PM.

Peter

[Linked Image]
Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Gambalunga] #107186
05/10/12 06:57 PM
05/10/12 06:57 PM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
J
Jack The Lad Offline
Posting Desperado
Jack The Lad  Offline
Posting Desperado
Talk Morgan Guru
J

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,798
The frozen North
Never heard that Geordie accent before .

Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Jack The Lad] #107637
08/10/12 04:56 PM
08/10/12 04:56 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 20,721
Devonshire
+8Rich Offline OP
Member of the Inner Circle
+8Rich  Offline OP
Member of the Inner Circle

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 20,721
Devonshire
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


Regards Richard

1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green
1994 Connaught Green +8





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