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Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Richard - Aus] #159749
11/10/13 12:56 PM
11/10/13 12:56 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 21,209
Devonshire
+8Rich Offline OP
Member of the Inner Circle
+8Rich  Offline OP
Member of the Inner Circle

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 21,209
Devonshire

Firms Christmas Lunch, I have just received my invite and it reminded me of this series of emails.
Apologies to those who have seen it before.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo
________________________________

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo
________________________________


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
________________________________


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, Each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo
________________________________


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your frigging salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too - they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you frigging wierdos can kiss my ass.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo
________________________________


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan



Regards Richard

1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green
1994 Connaught Green +8





Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: +8Rich] #159750
11/10/13 01:08 PM
11/10/13 01:08 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 13,954
Suffolk
John V6 Offline
Member of the Inner Circle
John V6  Offline
Member of the Inner Circle

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 13,954
Suffolk
Excellent


JohnV6
2006 Indigo Blue Roadster S1
Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: John V6] #159752
11/10/13 01:15 PM
11/10/13 01:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 11,717
Salisbury, UK
Peter J Offline
Formerly known as Aldermog
Peter J  Offline
Formerly known as Aldermog
Member of the Inner Circle

Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 11,717
Salisbury, UK
Would be funny if it wasn't close to the truth in some large multi-national entities...


Peter,
Tarka the 'Otter Mog
2014 Plus 8


Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Peter J] #159870
12/10/13 07:13 PM
12/10/13 07:13 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 22,746
Cheltenham, Glos. UK
Graham, G4FUJ Offline
Salty Sea Dog
Graham, G4FUJ  Offline
Salty Sea Dog
Member of the Inner Circle

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 22,746
Cheltenham, Glos. UK
Too blinking true!! banghead


Graham (G4FUJ)

D8921 L44FOR '93 4/4 Giallo Fly 2 seat smile
'90 LR 90 SW
'07 MINI Cooper
Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Richard - Aus] #161231
21/10/13 01:57 PM
21/10/13 01:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,242
Kent, France, Sweden
TRMAN Offline
Has a lot to Say!
TRMAN  Offline
Has a lot to Say!

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,242
Kent, France, Sweden
Is this (Tongue in cheek Friday humour) now the longest thread on TM ?. If so could it be termed

"The longest thread for the greatest amount of yarns" happy3 hide

Last edited by TRMAN; 21/10/13 01:58 PM.

Graham

Waking up is a good start to the day !!
Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: TRMAN] #161232
21/10/13 02:04 PM
21/10/13 02:04 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 21,209
Devonshire
+8Rich Offline OP
Member of the Inner Circle
+8Rich  Offline OP
Member of the Inner Circle

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 21,209
Devonshire
Too darned right


Regards Richard

1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green
1994 Connaught Green +8





Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: +8Rich] #161840
24/10/13 04:04 PM
24/10/13 04:04 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 21,209
Devonshire
+8Rich Offline OP
Member of the Inner Circle
+8Rich  Offline OP
Member of the Inner Circle

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 21,209
Devonshire
Confession

A priest was called away on an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional booth unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across
the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and
show him what to do.

The rabbi came over and he and the priest sat in the confessional booth together.

In a few minutes a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do?".

The woman said, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest:"How many times?"
Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi told the priest that he thought that he got it, so the priest left.

A few minutes later, another woman entered the confessional booth and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery"

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."


Regards Richard

1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green
1994 Connaught Green +8





Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: +8Rich] #162133
26/10/13 08:58 AM
26/10/13 08:58 AM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 480
I
IcePack Offline
Learner Plates Off!
IcePack  Offline
Learner Plates Off!
I

Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 480
Might just amuse smile

http://youtu.be/8-QNAwUdHUQ

For those who Havn't seen it.



4/4 Ivory 4.1:1 axle, Jaguar XE R-Sport.
Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: IcePack] #162134
26/10/13 09:10 AM
26/10/13 09:10 AM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 14,976
Perth, WA, Australia
Richard - Aus Offline
Member of the Inner Circle
Richard - Aus  Offline
Member of the Inner Circle

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 14,976
Perth, WA, Australia
Originally Posted By IcePack
Might just amuse smile

http://youtu.be/8-QNAwUdHUQ

For those who Havn't seen it.



That's superb - as is this in the wake of the BP Gulf of Mexico spill....



Richard
1976 4/4 4 Seater
Re: Tongue in cheek Friday humour [Re: Richard - Aus] #162149
26/10/13 12:38 PM
26/10/13 12:38 PM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,653
West Paris, France
pandy Offline
Talk Morgan Guru
pandy  Offline
Talk Morgan Guru

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 7,653
West Paris, France
Customer: "How much is the Greek Salad"

Waiter: "8.95.......unless there's a German in the restaurant. Then he has to pay for it."



Giles. Mogless in Paris.
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