Talk Morgan

Tongue in cheek Monday humour

Posted By: +8Rich

Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/05/17 11:23 PM


We filled up the Friday one in case you were wondering it is now locked down. Same applies to Something for Jays.

Banksy at his best in Dover laugh2.

Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 06:47 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

We filled up the Friday one in case you were wondering it is now locked down. Same applies to Something for Jays.

But "Something for Jays" has only 2908 replies as against the 3333 replies in "Friday humour"

Hmm! If 666 is the Devil's number what is 3333?
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 07:15 AM

But the Friday humour thread was not, relatively, full of photos, even linked ones... smile
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 07:58 AM

RIP Something for Jays
Posted By: TTC

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 09:32 AM

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it a petrol station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol.
The attendant told her the only petrol can, he owned, had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted a bedpan she was taking to a patient. Always, resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the petrol into her tank two men watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,
"If it starts, I'm converting to Christianity ....!!" 😂
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 09:45 AM

rofl laugh2
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 09:46 AM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
666 is the Devil's number


668 = Neighbour of the Beast

665.99 = High Street Price of the Beast

666F = Oven Temperature for Roast Beast

999 = Australian Beast

Route 666 = Way of the Beast

DCLXVI = Roman Beast
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 10:50 AM

Definitely gets the 3 rofls award.
rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 01:22 PM

I seem to remember that I read somewhere there was a misprint or mistake somewhere and the real number is 999.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 02:30 PM

And in other news...

Labour party admits Diane Abbott only there to make up the numbers
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 03:07 PM

laugh2 rofl

No she is in charge of the police & has a sound grasp of econonmics.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 05:08 PM


Just wondering now if she counted the votes when Jeremy was up for the party leadership hide

She is his ex girlfriend after all wink.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 09:02 PM


HIGNFY at it again wink

Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 10:19 PM

I never really got along with Les, he was always down in the mouth. innocent
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/05/17 10:59 PM

True, but didn't they make a lot of money out of being miserable wink.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/05/17 07:01 AM

Money can't you buy you happiness but it can buy you a Morgan which is kind of the same thing cheers
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/05/17 10:18 AM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
Money can't you buy you happiness but it can buy you a Morgan which is kind of the same thing cheers


+ Bacon ... + Wine ... plus plus as they say in Singapore.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/05/17 11:59 AM

Can la , as the Malays say. Though the bacon is usually beef bacon so not so hot.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/05/17 11:47 AM

Blatant discrimination against those brave boys in the R.A.F.

Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/05/17 12:46 PM

Well said Giles. I agree. I think it is a bad positioning of the phrase which is so long aligned with those brave people. I wrote a strong snot-o-gram on their Twit-er and Facebook to this effect as well. Thoughtless.
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/05/17 07:11 AM

Sent to me on another mail list (Royal Naval Amateur Radio Society):

News Flash!

A lorry containing Vic’s Vapour Rub has overturned on the M25; police are reporting no congestion for the next twelve hours.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/05/17 09:10 AM

Oooh. You have a nose for bad jokes.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/05/17 09:26 AM

laugh2

That must have been on the Two Ronnies surely
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/05/17 01:06 PM

Pollyfilla have anounced a diversion into pet food.
Starting with parrot food.
hide
Posted By: David_E

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/05/17 08:17 PM

I dropped my nasal inhaler when I was in Iceland.

Reykjavík?

No, fortunately it has a strong plastic container.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/05/17 08:33 PM

Originally Posted By David_E
I dropped my nasal inhaler when I was in Iceland.

Reykjavík?

No, fortunately it has a strong plastic container.


rofl
Shamelessly stolen for Facebook
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/05/17 09:23 PM

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...
The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."
I said, "Yes, that's the one."


An Irishman walks out of a bar...
Well It could happen.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/05/17 12:17 AM

Two men were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
family values.
Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,
did you?"
Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine."
___________________________________________

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife £775 a
week,"

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few pounds myself."
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said,

"I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

“ Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids."
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Gypsy Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
___________________________________________

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears
and asks him how he is feeling.

"I’m O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor
used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought
my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a two piece or an
all-in-one?"'

"Better get the two piece," he replied. "You'd never get it all
in one."

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well,
she's there."
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/05/17 02:03 PM


Love the first one laugh2 .
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/05/17 05:09 PM


HIGNFY

Theresa May excited about release of her new film.

Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/05/17 08:46 PM

laugh2
Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/05/17 05:31 PM

"ISLAMIC BOOK SHOP"

Saw this shop the other day so decided to have a look inside, almost immediately two men dressed in dresses came over and asked what I wanted, I said 'Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of immigrants? One of the gentlemen said, "Feck off get out and never come back", I said "yes, that's the one, how much?"
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/05/17 06:24 PM

nono
.
.
.
.
laugh2
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/05/17 09:59 PM

innocent grin2
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/05/17 12:50 PM

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/05/17 12:54 PM

laugh2
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/05/17 01:25 PM

laugh2 rofl
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/05/17 04:05 PM


Agent Orange at the G7 being kept out of harms way by Mummy.

Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/05/17 04:07 PM

The hair is strangely similar.
Posted By: Digimap

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/17 08:09 AM

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note.
Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/17 08:49 AM

rofl
Posted By: AJSki2fly

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/17 09:03 AM

rofl
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/17 04:53 PM

laugh2 rofl joy
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/17 06:04 PM

rofl

Some candidates there for the Darwin Award.
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/17 06:10 PM

Originally Posted By Digimap

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

...and they use Twitter
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/17 06:14 PM

Originally Posted By The Austrian
Originally Posted By Digimap

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

...and they use Twitter


I thought that was just for the birds Hannes - unless you are Agent Orange ooo..
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/17 06:24 PM

Ah...Twitter....the thinking man's Facebook. Just ask Donald...
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/17 06:29 PM

Very funny post Graeme
Top one
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/06/17 02:48 PM

[URL=http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/stramik/media/abbott.jpg.html][/U
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/06/17 03:35 PM

That matches with a conversation after golf this morning.
One of the boys put his card in...mistakes in his maths. He was a University lecturer and supposedly good at maths.
We reckoned he was Diane Abbot's maths tutor.... spend
Her absence from TV after her magnificent interview is quite obvious!
Corbyn..."Diane, darling, we think it would be a good idea for you to keep a low profile during the next few days."
Abbot...."Few days, Jeremy? That means waiting until July?"

Just imagine...she could end up as Home Secretary! scared
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/06/17 04:32 PM


It makes you shudder the very thought of it ooo..
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/06/17 06:00 PM

She is not very good at taking sly sick days either!
Posted By: dodgyken

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 06:03 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
Just imagine...she could end up as Home Secretary! scared


Slight tangent - but we were discussing the impending election last night at home and were wondering whether Labour could actually win. The problem is that the last "left" Labour government was between 1974 and 1979 - to have been "actively" and consciously impacted by it you'd have needed to be of voting age when it was elected - putting your birth year around 1957ish.

Combine that with the fact that 1975 was effectively the start of the IRAs Long War and you begin to get the feeling that 2017 could give us that 1970s feeling all over again.

(I apologize for the serious interlude - the powers that be are welcome to amputate this post for the greater good)
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 06:37 AM

Yep back to 3 day weeks, rubbish on the street and massive inflation. Cameron's legacy is not a good one.
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 06:57 AM

Young people don't remember the chaos and believe the promises.
Posted By: Fox Terrier

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 07:34 AM

It's a different world now. Go back to 1945 when Labour created the Health Service and the Tories were fighting tooth and claw against it. They said we couldn't afford it then. I'm voting for hope this time, not more failure. Therefore I'm voting Labour. However, isn't this a bit off-thread?
Posted By: twotribes

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 09:30 AM

Originally Posted By Fox Terrier
It's a different world now. Go back to 1945 when Labour created the Health Service and the Tories were fighting tooth and claw against it. They said we couldn't afford it then. I'm voting for hope this time, not more failure. Therefore I'm voting Labour. However, isn't this a bit off-thread?


If it was a single-issue referendum about the NHS, then I would vote Labour too.
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 12:44 PM

It seems Ms Abbot is unwell....

So possibly Health Secretary getcoat
Posted By: dodgyken

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 01:27 PM

Originally Posted By Fox Terrier
It's a different world now. Go back to 1945 when Labour created the Health Service and the Tories were fighting tooth and claw against it. They said we couldn't afford it then.


70 years later they've proved to be right laugh

If we could just go back to accepting that it is perfectly OK to die of a heart attack at 55 from a daily diet of s full English breakfast, 6 pints after work and a pack n'half of woodbines the NHS wouldn't cost as much as it does.

But oh no 24 year old 38st fish and chip addict Caroline has a genetic condition which means the NHS has to pony up 10k for her to have her stomach stapled so that 5 weeks after the surgery she can end up back in hospital because the staples burst after she enjoyed a liquidized super-sized double Big-Mac meal.

And 92 year old Edith from Melton Mowbray can chew through 12 different tablets a day, dispensed by an army of home carers because she is in the grip of the latter stages of Alzeimhers and she can't remember whether she has taken her tablets, what day it is or whether she is off to the memory clinic.
(The last one I'm rather too familiar with)

The voting public could have everything they wanted if they were willing to pony up a 65% tax rate.

(Sorry - again - I've already arranged my EXIT visit so no need to panic!)
Posted By: Fox Terrier

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 02:22 PM

Probably could do with an "NHS" thread to discuss this. The NHS simply wasn't conceived to deal with the diseases of over-consumption and relative affluence. There are going to be some hard decisions taken soon but I'd rather them be taken on clinical and ethical principles than financial.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 02:22 PM

Originally Posted By dodgyken

If we could just go back to accepting that it is perfectly OK to die of a heart attack at 55 from a daily diet of s full English breakfast, 6 pints after work and a pack n'half of woodbines the NHS wouldn't cost as much as it does.


Free prescriptions for beer and fags for those aged 70 and over in exchange for us giving up our rights to free health care. That would sort us out.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 02:24 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich


Free prescriptions for beer and fags for those aged 70 and over in exchange for us giving up our rights to free health care. That would sort us out.


laugh2

What no Burgundy ? wine
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 02:32 PM

Originally Posted By Fox Terrier
Probably could do with an "NHS" thread to discuss this. The NHS simply wasn't conceived to deal with the diseases of over-consumption and relative affluence. There are going to be some hard decisions taken soon but I'd rather them be taken on clinical and ethical principles than financial.


Done
Posted By: asbojohn

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/06/17 05:44 PM

Originally Posted By Peter J
It seems Ms Abbot is unwell....

So possibly Health Secretary getcoat


No chancellor as she's the only one that make the books balance with the spending plans they have.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/06/17 08:41 PM

Posted By: madmax

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/06/17 08:53 PM

'74-79 wasn't all bad , there were some decent cars about and lots of good rock bands !
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/06/17 09:14 PM

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/06/17 10:50 PM

Originally Posted By asbojohn
Originally Posted By Peter J
It seems Ms Abbot is unwell....

So possibly Health Secretary getcoat


No chancellor as she's the only one that make the books balance with the spending plans they have.


Neither...Education Sec is who she should be. That way she can go back to school.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/06/17 12:49 AM

Love both of the graphics!
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/06/17 08:14 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich


ROTFL
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/06/17 08:11 AM

The first time I heard about Paraprosdokians, I liked them.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
(Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/06/17 08:28 AM

Brilliant.
rofl rofl
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/06/17 11:52 AM

Excellent! grin2
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/06/17 01:32 PM

Theresa May's Mexican wave: the same as the elections ...
Bad Timing !!!
https://youtu.be/O5DvetG4AFk

https://twitter.com/scottreid1980/status/874737782106849280/photo/1
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/06/17 01:41 PM

Originally Posted By DirkM
Theresa May's Mexican wave: the same as the elections ...
Bad Timing !!!
https://youtu.be/O5DvetG4AFk


As soon as I saw that Theresa May was at the match supporting England with Emmanuel Macron supporting France, I knew the France were going to win the game.

She can't seem to do anything right, he can't seem to get anything wrong.
Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/06/17 03:31 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
Originally Posted By DirkM
Theresa May's Mexican wave: the same as the elections ...
Bad Timing !!!
https://youtu.be/O5DvetG4AFk


As soon as I saw that Theresa May was at the match supporting England with Emmanuel Macron supporting France, I knew the France were going to win the game.

She can't seem to do anything right, he can't seem to get anything wrong.



She could start trying to do things right with practicing the "La Ola". In this context she could ask Angela to join her. Otherwise Angela Merkel currently seems to be much more successful than Theresa or Mr. Schulz of the German SPD.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/06/17 11:45 AM

Superb paraprosdokians Giles.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/06/17 07:43 AM

1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore 13. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
17. I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
19. I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'. Then I saw her face.
20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down 26. Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.
Mum: Is it common?
Dad: It's Not Unusual
27. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
28. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. And that's what it's all about.
29. I'm giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.
30. If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
31. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/06/17 07:47 AM

woohoo laugh2 rofl
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/06/17 07:48 AM

grin2 thumbs

Love the Welsh cheese one...
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/06/17 09:19 AM

laugh2 thumbs.
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/06/17 10:20 AM

Inspired and a cut above average.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/06/17 09:17 PM


HIGNFY - Leaked Queen's speech agenda revealed..

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/06/17 05:03 PM


HIGNFY

maym by rstramik, on Flickr
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/06/17 06:17 PM

Saw it today I.e the movie. Great stuff.

On Mrs May et al I highly recommend BBC R4 Dead Ringers.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/06/17 06:18 PM

When you get your next pay check please remember NI is not National Insurance it stands for now Northern Ireland.

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/06/17 06:22 PM

laugh2 laugh2...
Posted By: NeilL

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/07/17 08:35 AM

Very funny made me smile!
Posted By: PeterG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/07/17 08:39 AM

grin2
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/07/17 09:14 AM

Superb
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/07/17 04:53 PM

drwho by morgan1ste, on Flickr
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/07/17 09:03 PM

https://postimg.org/image/as4s354z9/

Just testing, an image of my favourite cartoon
Nick
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/07/17 09:04 PM

Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/07/17 09:05 PM

https://s10.postimg.org/hvcniraex/IMG_20170606_174739.jpg
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/07/17 05:24 PM

laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/07/17 05:25 PM


God give me strength how long has it taken this old fart to learn what we all new when the idiot boy decided to hop into bed with Bush.

raq by morgan1ste, on Flickr
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/07/17 07:44 PM

Q. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?


A. So that when they return to port they Scandinavian

hide

I've found a chipshop that serves its food on copier paper.
It's a little plaice on the A4
It's open evry day baramundi



Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/07/17 07:54 PM

Down in Cornwall....
The two maiden siblings of William Penn's mother posted the following sign outside their pie shop.
Beef & Onion £1.40
Chicken & mushroom £1.40
Steak & Ale £2.35
These were or course the Pie Rates of Penn's aunts
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/07/17 07:56 PM

An Army General asks his Chief Weapons Designer what he is working on.
"Well" says the Chief "We've invented a rocket powered projectile that flies to the target and urinates all over the enemy".
"Really" says the General. "What do you call it?"
"An Incontinent Ballistic Missile".
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/07/17 07:58 PM

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at $2.50, but you can two for $3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25, or two for $3.25.
They also offer meat and potato pie for $2, or two for $3.
Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for $2.75, or two (any combination) for $4.75.
Those my friends are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean....
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/07/17 08:06 PM

Last one for tonight....

One day in the jungle, a chimpanzee was inventing some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”
Posted By: TTC

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/07/17 10:53 PM

“I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”


Get yer coat!!!
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/07/17 07:18 AM

Talk about scraping the barrel! grin2
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/07/17 03:21 PM

In a hotel a guest asks the receptionist: "Excuse me sir, could you please bring some pepper to my room?"
The receptionist:"Certainly sir, black or white?"
The hotel guest:"No, no, toilet pepper!"
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/07/17 05:13 PM

Originally Posted By DirkM
In a hotel a guest asks the receptionist: "Excuse me sir, could you please bring some pepper to my room?"
The receptionist:"Certainly sir, black or white?"
The hotel guest:"No, no, toilet pepper!"


Come back Tony Blackburn all is forgiven hide
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/07/17 10:46 PM

A man took his 5 year old grandson to the shopping centre.

While his back was turned for a second, the little blighter wandered off and got lost.

The little boy approached a security guard, and said that he'd lost his Grandpa.

"What's he called ?" asked the security guard.

"Grandpa" came the reply.

"Okay then" said security guard "What's he like ?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Morgans, beer, and ladies with big tits".
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/07/17 08:34 PM

OK...toilet humour...literally.
Lifted from Pistonheads. swmbo was looking oddly at me curled up laughing.
Apologies to those of a delicate persona.

I confess to feeling selfconscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana massala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.

So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, felafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.

To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.

Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?

Kind of killed the mood, rather.
Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/07/17 09:56 PM

Yep brilliant, i am there nearly every night.
:exting
redcard
Posted By: PeterG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/07/17 07:09 AM

rofl
Posted By: Worthers +8

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/07/17 07:26 AM

rofl

Worthers +8
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/07/17 09:46 AM

rofl rofl
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/07/17 01:26 PM

My wife works in endoscopy. She has a note written by a guy on how the enema works the night before. Sounds similar.

I also accused an American colleague of becoming all formal.
His reply "I am about a formal as a piss bubble in a urinal "
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/07/17 05:03 PM

Priceless..

One advantage of taking a lady who has known you for 40 odd years is that in a similar situation I'd hear a lot of laughter and then a comment along the lines of "well now I know it can't escape later"!!
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/07/17 05:05 PM

Who can recall their first overt fart in front of SWMBO? swmbo

I knew my SiL was settled when he started farting in my Golf.
Up to then he had been the only one who didn't.
Posted By: TTC

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/07/17 11:15 AM

"Up to then he had been the only one who didn't."

Could be your driving Dave??


Tony
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/07/17 05:38 PM

Isn't that a sign that you are both commited in your relationship ?
The confidence to fart in the presence of your other half?
Mind you, the outlaws? A different matter?
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/07/17 09:49 PM

I never farted audibly in front of my in laws, although I must have slipped one out occasionally.
The young generation are more confident but the freedom to rasp at will is a huge bonus for us all.
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/07/17 09:53 PM

Originally Posted By DaveW
The young generation are more confident but the freedom to rasp at will is a huge bonus for us all.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEZ-NvSKJLI

After the advert.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/07/17 09:59 PM


I grew up reading Spike's books, he was a brilliant eccentric.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/07/17 03:29 PM

I finally got round to it and took my wife to the doctor's to get her Tourettes sorted out once and for all.

It turns out she hasn't got it, I actually am a c*** and she really does want me to f*** off.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/07/17 05:43 PM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/07/17 05:57 PM

I asked my friend, who had relocated to Switzerland not long ago what's the best thing about living there. Well the flag is a big plus, he replied.
Next....

I once made a belt out of ten pound notes. Turned out to be a waist of money.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/07/17 06:01 PM

A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr Jones in the small village of Llanfair and give him the coded message: “The tulips are blooming well today.”
Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage.
He knocked on the door and the owner emerged: “Are you Mr Jones?”
“I am.”
“The tulips are blooming well today.”
Mr Jones stared at him in amazement then smiled: “Ah, you must have the wrong house.
“It's Jones the Spy you want.”
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/07/17 08:48 PM

Originally Posted By DaveW
the freedom to rasp at will is a huge bonus for us all.


Not least because it gives us the opportunity to congratulate the trumpeter with such phrases as:

"More tea, Vicar? Or can I press you to another tart?"

"A bit more choke and that would have started"

"A confident appeal by the Australians there"

"Jolly good fanfare on the old dung trumpet"

"Speak up Brown, you're through"
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/07/17 09:52 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Originally Posted By DaveW
the freedom to rasp at will is a huge bonus for us all.




"A bit more choke and that would have started"

"A confident appeal by the Australians there"



rofl

Not heard those two before
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/07/17 01:25 AM

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIME S LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TI ME S LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than
twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TI ME S LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/07/17 06:28 AM

laugh2 rofl
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/07/17 07:26 AM

rofl swmbo
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/07/17 08:21 PM

This really made me laugh.

The 'Yorkshire Haka' performed by a group of Lions fans in New Zealand in the recent tour.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO0_15LOYCA
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/07/17 08:49 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
This really made me laugh.

The 'Yorkshire Haka' performed by a group of Lions fans in New Zealand in the recent tour.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO0_15LOYCA


rofl

Brilliant
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/07/17 11:17 PM

Very good
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/07/17 06:56 AM

Or this one

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/news/video-1218591/Howay-The-original-Geordie-Haka-here.html
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/07/17 04:24 PM

It's horrible weather outside. I have been bored......
Found this....
Seen on Facebook:

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them. It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.
A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.

hide
Posted By: GaB

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/07/17 04:28 PM

rofl
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/08/17 03:24 PM

An Egyptian stopped his car.
Sounded the horn.
Showed his bare rear end out of the window.

It was a toot and car moon.

hide
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/08/17 03:31 PM

I went to an Indian restaurant last night.

I had a Pelican curry.
Lovely but the bill was huge.

I nearly had a Chicken Tarka curry.
Like a chicken vindaloo but a little 'otter.

At the end the waiter asked..."curry ok?"
I said yes, ok but only one song.

eat
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/08/17 05:53 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
I went to an Indian restaurant last night.

I had a Pelican curry.
Lovely but the bill was huge.

I nearly had a Chicken Tarka curry.
Like a chicken vindaloo but a little 'otter.

At the end the waiter asked..."curry ok?"
I said yes, ok but only one song.

eat


Do like the Chicken Tarka curry!!
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/08/17 11:19 AM

Is any one interested in time travel?

Initial special interest group meeting - last Thursday, 7:30pm. Venue details will be in your inbox next Monday.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/08/17 01:07 PM

Clever
Posted By: David_E

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/08/17 10:21 PM

I've got a great joke about UDP and I don't care whether you get it.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/08/17 03:52 PM

For the philosophers of TM...

"To do is to be" - Nietzsche
"To be is to do" - Kant
"Do be do be do" - Sinatra
"Yabba-dabba-doooo" -Fred Flintstone.
fly
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/08/17 06:51 PM

https://www.facebook.com/682329048475716/videos/1584391558269456/
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/08/17 09:28 PM

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . .. this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Check".
With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
Check".
And you want it full of Carp?".
Check".
Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/08/17 09:30 PM

"I've recently bought a new VW car, and I am fuming".

Milton Jones.

Love his comedy laugh2
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/08/17 09:37 PM

Steven Wright is a scientist with a different perspective.....here are some of his thoughts.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend . . . but she left me before we met.

Okay, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever . . so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research..

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.


If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/08/17 11:37 PM

Phill, hang in there this bad weather WILL pass,,,,,, woohoo drive
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/08/17 01:04 AM

Superb
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/08/17 07:13 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
"I've recently bought a new VW car, and I am fuming".

Milton Jones.

Love his comedy laugh2

Me too! smile
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/08/17 08:51 AM

Some real gems there, particularly:

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard"......
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/08/17 07:48 PM


The man who invented Benylin was buried last week.

As a mark of respect there was no coffin at his funeral. innocent
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/08/17 07:51 PM

I'm a bit worried that these North Korean missiles can make it to New York

If they can make it there, they can make it anywhere
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/08/17 07:56 PM

rofl

Shamelessly stolen for Facebook
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/08/17 08:14 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
rofl

Shamelessly stolen for Facebook

Facebook?
No!
Pistonheads!
A better class of person is found there!
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/08/17 08:17 PM

I don't care where it came from.

It made me laugh. laugh2
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/08/17 09:04 PM

No, I meant I was nicking it to go on my Facebook feed!
Posted By: Felix42

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/08/17 08:26 AM

I was at the cash machine at the bank. An old lady came up to me and asked if I would check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/08/17 05:51 PM

Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/08/17 10:40 AM

Two wives went for a girls' night out, and ended up having a bit too much to drink.

Walking home, they realised they were desperate for a pee, so they went into a cemetery to relieve themselves. Having nothing to wipe with, one used her knickers, and the other grabbed a wreath from a nearby gravestone.

The next morning, one of the husbands rang the other. "No more girls' nights out for my wife, she came home with no knickers on".

"You think that's bad? Mine had a card stuck in her bum crack which said 'From all the lads at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you'! "
Posted By: GaB

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/08/17 11:19 AM

rofl goodnight
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/08/17 12:05 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Two wives went for a girls' night out, and ended up having a bit too much to drink.

Walking home, they realised they were desperate for a pee, so they went into a cemetery to relieve themselves. Having nothing to wipe with, one used her knickers, and the other grabbed a wreath from a nearby gravestone.

The next morning, one of the husbands rang the other. "No more girls' nights out for my wife, she came home with no knickers on".

"You think that's bad? Mine had a card stuck in her bum crack which said 'From all the lads at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you'! "


Hose been a naughty girl, then?
hide
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/08/17 05:17 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Originally Posted By Hamwich
Two wives went for a girls' night out, and ended up having a bit too much to drink.

Walking home, they realised they were desperate for a pee, so they went into a cemetery to relieve themselves. Having nothing to wipe with, one used her knickers, and the other grabbed a wreath from a nearby gravestone.

The next morning, one of the husbands rang the other. "No more girls' nights out for my wife, she came home with no knickers on".

"You think that's bad? Mine had a card stuck in her bum crack which said 'From all the lads at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you'! "


Hose been a naughty girl, then?
hide


Quite a tender moment pantsdown
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/08/17 07:50 PM

Originally Posted By Burgundymog
Originally Posted By sospan
Originally Posted By Hamwich
Two wives went for a girls' night out, and ended up having a bit too much to drink.

Walking home, they realised they were desperate for a pee, so they went into a cemetery to relieve themselves. Having nothing to wipe with, one used her knickers, and the other grabbed a wreath from a nearby gravestone.

The next morning, one of the husbands rang the other. "No more girls' nights out for my wife, she came home with no knickers on".

"You think that's bad? Mine had a card stuck in her bum crack which said 'From all the lads at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you'! "


Hose been a naughty girl, then?
hide


Quite a tender moment pantsdown


Any ladders in her tights?
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/17 04:23 AM

Top 15 Jokes from the Fringe...

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
Posted By: deano

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/17 04:43 AM

Cricky what were the others like then. Guess they get better the more you drink. wine
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/17 07:22 AM

Liked the Trump one.
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/17 09:00 AM

Although it is Tuesday I thought I'd post this...

Avocados
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go to Tesco for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read this again!
Men will get it the first time...
Posted By: Budster

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/17 02:00 PM

On Radio Devon this morning.

"I'm not keen on the new pound coin; but then again I don't like change"

ps Ooops; just seen that this has already been posted. However Radio Devon are always a few days behind everyone else, so apologies.
budster
Posted By: NeilL

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/17 02:07 PM

That one liner is the winner at this years Edinburgh Festival!
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/17 07:02 PM

My shopping list said 'two carrots'. (Apparently for my mother as I later discovered).
There were no loose carrots.
'Does this mean two bags?' I pondered.
I placed two bags in my basket, but after a moment or two thought better of it. I removed one bag.

"Why did you bring a bag of carrots when I asked for two?"
Was the question.
"I nearly brought two bags" was my reply.
"Its a good job you didn't" was the reply.
"Would you rather have had no carrots?" I replied
"That's not the point. Why didn't you ring me.........." was the closing statement.
swmbo
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/17 08:05 PM

laugh2
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/08/17 06:00 PM

DaveW.......lucky you weren't asked to get four candles. laugh2
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/08/17 06:59 PM

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but i've been tripping all day.
hippy
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/08/17 07:41 PM

Hmmm,
I have a suspicion the new neighbours a couple of doors up might be involved with your shoe seller Philip...
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/08/17 07:43 PM

Graham.....
If they were bakers would they be wearing loafers?
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/08/17 07:47 PM

laugh2
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/08/17 08:03 PM

There was a drugs raid three doors down from us one Sunday evening. Apparently there were multiple plod cars and large numbers of plod. It was a cannabis farm in the rented house. We must have been watching the Antiques Roadshow because we saw nothing and heard nothing........................
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/08/17 07:13 AM

Originally Posted By DaveW
There was a drugs raid three doors down from us one Sunday evening. Apparently there were multiple plod cars and large numbers of plod. It was a cannabis farm in the rented house. We must have been watching the Antiques Roadshow because we saw nothing and heard nothing........................


...."Officer"
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/08/17 09:29 AM

Years ago one pub in our town was a known "herbal based " venue.
It was called "Ty Melyn".....Translates as Yellow House. On weekends especially you could stand outside near the extractor vents and "passively indulge".
The pub closed many years ago and is now a derelict eyesore.
On our post match pub crawls we used to leapfrog it to the other pubs.
One pub that was on the list was the Whitehall Vaults.....it made the tv news when they started topless barmaids!
Before you comment....the beer was on tap not in "jugs"!
nono
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/08/17 01:38 PM

This post by Champagne Murphy from the YBW scuttlebutt forum made me chuckle.....

Master's Letter of Regret
Letter of regret

The "Letter of regret" is a classic piece of dry humor that has been kicking around the maritime community for a long time.
We could all use a little more humor in our lives. Consider this contribution from Dennis L. Bryant.

Letter of regret

Dear Sirs:
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you. Regret, that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and in haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the world press. For I am sure that they will overdramatize the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot and the Apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H' flag, and this being his first trip, he was having difficulties in rolling up the 'G' flag. I therefore proceeded to show him how it should be done. Coming to the last part I told him to "let go". The lad although willing was not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone of voice.
At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chartroom where he had been plotting the ships passage, and thinking that it was the anchor that was being referred to, repeated the " let go " order to the Third Mate on the foc'sle. The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the pipe while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out by the roots. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction and towards a swing-bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.
The swing-bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the span for my vessel to go through. Unfortunately he had not thought of stopping the vehicular traffic. The result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ships company are at present rounding-up the contents of the latter, which from the noise, I would say are pigs. In his effort to stop the progress of the vessel, the Third Mate dropped the starboard anchor. Too late to be of any practical use, for it fell on top of the swing-bridge operators control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I rang 'full astern' on the engine room telegraph, and personally telephoned the engine room to order maximum revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees, and was asked if there was going to be a film tonight. My reply would not contribute constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of my vessel. Back aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let-go, the Second Mate was supervising the making-fast of the after tug, and was lowering the ships towing spring onto the tug. The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to 'run in under' the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring for 'Full astern'. The prompt action of the Second Mate in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby allowing the abandonment of the tug.
It is strange, but at that very moment of letting-go the port anchor, there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a 'cable area' at the moment could suggest that we may have touched something on the bottom of the riverbed. It is perhaps fortunate that the high-tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly they had been replaced by the underwater cable. But owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me, the action and behaviour of foreigners during moments of crisis. The Pilot for instance, is at the moment huddled in the corner of my day-cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying, after having consumed a bottle of my gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The tug captain, on the other hand, acted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the Steward, who now has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital where he keeps telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and the insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck which the Third Officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the foc'sle. These particulars will enable you to claim for the damage that they caused to the railings at number one hold.
I am enclosing this preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of the police sirens and their flashing lights. It is sad to think that had the Apprentice realised that there was no need to fly pilot flags after dark none of this would have happened. For the weekly Accountability Report I will assign the following casualty numbers : T75001 to T75100, incl.,
Yours very truly, .............. Master
Read more at http://www.ybw.com/forums/showthread.php?485833-Letter-of-regret#RP0wY835x3Dkqckm.99
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/08/17 03:16 PM

Getting the house move underway, I was painting the skirtings. Radio on. Inspiration. Had some paint left so I painted a bucket.
I now have a lighter shade of pail
hide
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/08/17 03:32 PM

QEII - What hat should I wear to Mozambique, Philip?

Phil the Greek - Wear the fox hat.
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/08/17 07:13 PM

Giles,
Somewhere I have a typewritten copy of that "Accident Report" from my first or second trip to sea in 1978... smile
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/09/17 12:51 PM

A rather 'frustrated' woman went to the super market to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts .
As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas, apples and so many other things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.
She ended up buying far more than she needed .
When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags .

As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T shirt and trousers .
She could hardly control herself .
After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.
The young man obliged.
As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control.
She placed her hand on the young mans bottom and said "I have an itchy pussy".
To which the young man replied .
"You'll have to show me where it is' cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me".
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/09/17 01:22 PM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad

' cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me".

Itchy or not - all these Japanese look the same to me. laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/09/17 05:43 PM


JTL sent me this earlier grin2.

A  man and his wife moved back home to Cavan from Liverpool.
 
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2,000 per annum.
 
When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance Agency to see
how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
 
The Agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, “39 Euros”
 
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure
as it cost him £2,000.00 in England?
 
The Agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, “Well, here it is on the screen,
it says – ‘Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is 39 Euros!!’
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/09/17 09:06 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Years ago one pub in our town was a known "herbal based " venue.
It was called "Ty Melyn".....Translates as Yellow House. On weekends especially you could stand outside near the extractor vents and "passively indulge".
The pub closed many years ago and is now a derelict eyesore.
On our post match pub crawls we used to leapfrog it to the other pubs.
One pub that was on the list was the Whitehall Vaults.....it made the tv news when they started topless barmaids!
Before you comment....the beer was on tap not in "jugs"!
nono
What a great place of illrepute that was grin2 grin2 grin2 grin2 grin2 grin2
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/09/17 09:45 PM

Our dog went missing yesterday, the missus told me to go and find him. I looked every f***ing where, in the park,down by the river, out on the common,nothing. So I went home and told the wife, she went ballistic and told me I should look harder, so I went out, had my head shaved and got a tattoo but I still can't find that f***ing dog.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/09/17 07:18 AM

Bet you kept abreast of them . innocent



Originally Posted By Ray
Originally Posted By sospan
Years ago one pub in our town was a known "herbal based " venue.
It was called "Ty Melyn".....Translates as Yellow House. On weekends especially you could stand outside near the extractor vents and "passively indulge".
The pub closed many years ago and is now a derelict eyesore.
On our post match pub crawls we used to leapfrog it to the other pubs.
One pub that was on the list was the Whitehall Vaults.....it made the tv news when they started topless barmaids!
Before you comment....the beer was on tap not in "jugs"!
nono
What a great place of illrepute that was grin2 grin2 grin2 grin2 grin2 grin2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/09/17 05:02 PM

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/09/17 07:55 PM

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/09/17 07:59 PM

rofl

Oh if only we could really laugh about it sos
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/09/17 08:02 AM

London is closer than LA to N Korea. This really is no joke & those two idiots could end it all in a blaze of glory.
God help us!
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/09/17 04:32 PM

Time to reread On the Beach, by Nevil Schute.
Sobering.
Posted By: RedThree

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/09/17 04:36 PM

Originally Posted By Peter J
Time to reread On the Beach, by Nevil Schute.
Sobering.
Funnily enough I did a few months ago, and a history of the Korean war by Max Hastings, as you say, very sobering. On the other hand I am sitting in a hotel lounge with freebie booze so the sobering effect is somewhat diminishing.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/09/17 09:58 AM

Quotes from British Military Annual Staff Appraisals

His men would follow him anywhere - but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this Officer.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
This Officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitel won't-be.
When she opens her mouth it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2-man submarine.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound but socially impossible.
The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts the better.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.
He has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he was any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat 1 000 000 other sperm.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
He has been working with glue too long.
When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.
This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.
He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He's so dense light bends around him.
If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 1½ hours to watch 60 minutes.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is long dead.
He has delusions of adequacy.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/09/17 11:11 AM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/09/17 01:03 PM

I still use the famous Monty Python line "I would not trust him to sit the right way around on a lavatory seat."
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/09/17 01:24 PM

Rowan Atkinson, "Live in Belfast": the Father of the Bride's speech smile
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/09/17 01:54 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
I still use the famous Monty Python line "I would not trust him to sit the right way around on a lavatory seat."


I'v been using that phrase very regularly recently to describe the government's team who are 'negotiating' Britain's exit from the EU.

And Graham is quite right. It's the father of the bride speech. Right along with "If I may liken his entire family to a compost heap......and I think I can"
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/09/17 02:28 PM

Thank you Graham. I am just off to find the manual for the aforementioned white porcelain sub-system to ensure I am using it correctly. Must find my village again.
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/09/17 03:18 PM

One of the other lines included a toast to the pigeon that cra*ped on the groom's family's car...
I really must find that album - wherever it has been "stored" smile

Alistair, do net fret about the manual, if you haven't worked it out by now, it's probably not worth worrying about! laugh2
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/09/17 08:21 AM

They're superb only missing:

He feel in love with himself at an early age and has remained loyal ever since.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/09/17 08:22 AM

Here's the Rowan Akinson link.....
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/09/17 08:47 AM

thumbs laugh2
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/09/17 09:39 AM

Brilliant clips those on u tube
Posted By: skullmog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/09/17 07:11 AM

333 must be a wee beasty? hide
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/09/17 06:08 PM

A chicken farmer went to the local bar....He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I'm celebrating".

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman
.
"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant"

"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "

"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence".
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/09/17 06:15 PM

It's a name thing.
What if.......
Celebrities married.......
Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing.
Carrie Fisher married Phil Oakey.
Beyonce married Andrew Castle (tennis player).
Isla St Clare(generation game) married Manfred Mann.
Isla could have married Barry White.
Divorce Barry and keep his name then marry Brian Ferry for double barrel effect.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/09/17 06:22 PM

A man walks into a library. Sks the librarioan for the newly published book on small penises.
She replied..."it's not in yet".
He replied...
"That's the one!"
hide
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/09/17 06:32 PM

Albert Einstein was a genius.
His brother ,Frank, was a monster.
getcoat
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/09/17 06:48 PM

That's shocking.
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/09/17 08:04 PM

grin2
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/09/17 08:52 AM

Bosses have to make tough decisions!!!


Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one or two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like sh't. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunch time."


I had to let Jack go.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/09/17 08:55 AM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
Bosses have to make tough decisions!!!


Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one or two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like sh't. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunch time."


I had to let Jack go.


rofl
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/09/17 09:51 PM


HIGNFY

Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/09/17 09:33 AM

Very good....
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/09/17 02:02 PM

Yes the iPhone Ten is expensive but somehow I think it is going to cost me a lot less than Brexit (already has due to the exchange rate slapping)
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/09/17 05:13 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Albert Einstein was a genius.
His brother ,Frank, was a monster.
getcoat


Did somebody buy you the Tony Blackburn book of jokes ? sos
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/09/17 05:17 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
Yes the iPhone Ten is expensive but somehow I think it is going to cost me a lot less than Brexit (already has due to the exchange rate slapping)


Many a true word spoken in jest.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/09/17 05:59 PM

While conducting a strip search of a suspected drug dealer police found a large amount of crack down the rear of his trousers.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/09/17 06:01 PM

Originally Posted By Burgundymog
Originally Posted By sospan
Albert Einstein was a genius.
His brother ,Frank, was a monster.
getcoat


Did somebody buy you the Tony Blackburn book of jokes ? sos


No..... swmbo had control of the tv pinger and I was bored. yawn
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/09/17 09:36 PM


HIGNFY

As Cassini crashes into Saturn, scientists keep close eye on another distant automated object being drawn helplessly to its destruction.

Posted By: TTC

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/09/17 10:57 PM

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland .

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn’t that fantastic?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn’t that fantastic?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn’t that fantastic?"

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "What on earth could they teach you??"
The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a F...?" I learned to say, "Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/09/17 11:21 PM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/09/17 05:15 PM

Promoters have cancelled a music event in Cornwall. Cream and the Jam were both playing but it couldn't be decided who went on first.
stirpot
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/09/17 05:20 PM

Ryanair have just introduced another add-on charge.....
They add on £50 if you want a pilot.
hide
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/09/17 06:50 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Ryanair have just introduced another add-on charge.....
They add on £50 if you want a pilot.
hide

If they can find one...
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/09/17 05:13 PM

One Hell of a Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making, biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. "When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. "I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me. "

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole thing! "

But . . . enough about me. How are you doing?"
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/09/17 08:55 AM

The oldest computer

can be traced back to Adam and Eve.


It was an Apple

But with extremely limited memory


Just 1 byte.


Then everything crashed.
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/09/17 01:26 PM

🤓👍
excellent!
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/09/17 04:03 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Ryanair have just introduced another add-on charge.....
They add on £50 if you want a pilot.
hide


rofl
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/09/17 04:30 PM

Excellent Dirk! laugh2
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/09/17 02:43 AM

Very good.
Posted By: James B W

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/09/17 11:35 AM


- just in time for Christmas...




shamelessly stolen from elsewhere; they are pretty old but I'd not seen them before.... laugh2

James
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/09/17 11:55 AM

I was once abducted by aliens.
They washed my face, wiped my snotty nose, made me eat all the vegetables on the plate.
thinking
I think I was on the mothership
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/09/17 12:00 PM

Little Amy asked her mum if she could take the dog for a walk.
No, Amy as she is on heat.
What's that? Asked Amy.
Go see dad in the garage then. (Avoiding the explanation).
Dad....mum said to ask you if I could take the dog for a walk.
Ok, Amy but bring her here first.
Dad then took a rag soaked in petrol and wiped the rear end of the dog.
There you go, Amy...safe now.
Amy goes and comes back shortly but without the dog.
Mum asks...where's the dog?
Amy replied...it ran out of petrol halfway and another dog is pushing her home.
innocent
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/09/17 04:12 PM


This chap is spot on again laugh2 ..

Posted By: James B W

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/09/17 04:42 PM

thumbs

James
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/09/17 05:12 PM

+1....

Guy as ever, hits the nail on the head.
A clever, skilful grafter.

Should be a Morgan owner...
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/09/17 05:24 PM

Footballers they are chasing the ball and when they got it, they kick it away?????
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/09/17 04:53 PM

A bit like a dog I saw a few weeks ag.
He was chasing passing cars. Why? He couldn't drive one if he caught it.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/09/17 12:24 AM

All very good.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/09/17 05:29 PM

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/09/17 11:29 PM


This sums up the Tat thing quite well..

Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/17 05:11 AM

+1
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/17 06:59 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

This sums up the Tat thing quite well..



How about "My other car is a Morgan"?

By the way, I quite agree. I find tattoos (and piercings) on anyone, male or female, quite repulsive.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/17 07:55 AM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
I find tattoos (and piercings) on anyone, male or female, quite repulsive.


What, even earrings?

Tats and piercings, like so many things in life, can be done well or badly - and sadly many of them do seem to be a bit crap. On the other hand, my mate's wife has a rather beautiful tattoo of climbing roses on her upper arm and shoulder, I think it looks great. Not that I'd ever contemplate one for myself, but I can see why people do it.

On the piercngs side, I'm not a fan of the more aggressive style of stuff, but 'Er Indoors has got at least half a dozen earings in each ear, and nobody has ever accused her of being repulsive.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/17 08:29 AM

No, I wasn't referring to earrings, rather the nose, tongue, lips, eyebrows and other weird places.

I must admit that my attitude towards tats has hardened over the years as the occasional small tat has now become full body on some people. It is one of those things that the more I see the less I like it.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/17 03:49 PM


One for the cat lovers wink .

Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/17 03:55 PM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
No, I wasn't referring to earrings, rather the nose, tongue, lips, eyebrows and other weird places.

I must admit that my attitude towards tats has hardened over the years as the occasional small tat has now become full body on some people. It is one of those things that the more I see the less I like it.


Yes, I confess to getting a bit grumpy when I see people with rubbish facial tattoos. I can't help thinking they've done it to deliberately make themselves unemployable so they can then spend the rest of their lives sponging off the rest of us.
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/17 06:34 PM

Love the cat wash joke. I cannot imagine the little furry thing ever coming back in the house after that. However I won't tell that one to the good lady. Might get one of those little looks.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/17 07:38 PM

Urban myth?

Origin of the term " bungalow"......
A chap was having a place built. He was tight on cash. First floor was built.
He told the builder....
"I am short of cash so bung a low roof on it".
hide

As an aside, we had a chap play second row in our team. His nickname was bungalow. Not very bright.
He didn't have anything "upstairs"

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/17 08:07 PM

As Christmas is nearly on us....... hide

A man was arrested leaving a store with a Christmas cake and mince pies.
He was arrested for handling stollen property
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/10/17 01:02 PM

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds . innocent


A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on a porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandad, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off into the distance and does not answer his grandson. Grandad , " what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.
The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and got a stiff neck
this was your grandmothers idea ". oldgit
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/10/17 09:47 PM

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/17 05:02 PM

What is blue and isn’t heavy?












Light blue.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/17 05:13 PM

It is estimated that it will take 4 years to renovate Big Ben.
I bet they will be working round the clock to do it.


*********************
The Magnificent Seven were booked to do an advert for aftershave based in Liverpool.
Only 6 turned up
Apparently Yul never wore cologne

hide

**************
Are small people from Gibralter called giblets.
****************

Enough for now......
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/10/17 09:17 PM

swmbo is watching recordings of X-Factor/Strictly.....
I am bored so here’s another.........

Have you had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled for compensation.

Call, "The Pro Claimers" now.
spend


Car related....
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda Civic.

But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/10/17 07:26 PM

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/10/17 09:28 AM

The Wisdom of AGE !

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years and they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'am older, here's what I have discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?.

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck did really stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seats cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seats cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the loo.

13. If Mother nature wanted me to touch my toes, she'd have put them on my knees .

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses... They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I sent this message to you before... or did I get it from you?.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/10/17 04:06 PM


The old Forrest Trump magic is working grin2.

Posted By: Fuel.inj

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/10/17 05:25 PM

Run Donald run...............
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/10/17 05:42 PM


laugh2 Yup just keep on running...
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/10/17 07:17 PM

Originally Posted By Fuel.inj
Run Donald run...............

Make your face up in your favourite disguise!
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/10/17 09:54 AM

Looks like he ran into a wall with a face like that , just proves some women prefer money to looks. grin2



Originally Posted By +8Rich

laugh2 Yup just keep on running...
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/10/17 10:05 PM


From a friend in Sweden..

Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/17 04:57 AM

Looks like an Arabic edition.
In several European countries Niquabs are not legal any more
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/17 08:45 AM

PLAY BOY

How do you know its not. grin2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/17 09:17 AM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
PLAY BOY

How do you know its not. grin2


What ever it is it has great big hands ooo..

Maybe it is in transition wink...
Posted By: James B W

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/17 09:45 AM

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ….




Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche… !!

James getcoat
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/17 09:54 AM


Boom Boom laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 09:58 AM

Warning a profanity appears lower down the page which I couldn't remove - if anyone else can please do and I will re edit.
















Excuse the language I couldn't remove it from the attachment from an Aussie newspaper somebody sent me.

Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 10:34 AM

you could screen shot it and then crop the image.

Did make me laugh tho' - my dad (as you know Richard, an ex submariner) will love it.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 11:11 AM

Thanks Giles.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 12:23 PM

Thread drift warning!!!

Australia has always prided itself on having a super quiet diesel electric submarine fleet. But the Russians have just upped the game.

A Russian ghost submarine, its US pursuers and a deadly new Cold War
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 12:27 PM

The weary western traveller was within sight of his destination. His Sherpa motioned towards the Himalayan monastery which lay before them. The traveller felt the relief fill his body. His trek through the plains of the Indian subcontinent through to Tibet had almost sapped his life force. As the Traveller neared the entrance of the monastery, he could see a solitary monk stood at the ancient entrance. "Venerable sir", said the traveller, "I have travelled many miles in search of enlightenment. In deepest Asia, they said I should search for a monastery, high within the mountains. They told me that in this monastery live a brotherhood who have taken a strict vow of silence. Their promise to Buddha to lay mute has lasted for 9 centuries and this devotion has brought them the enlightenment I so desire. So tell me, is this the Monastery of the silent tongue which I have heard so much of and journeyed thousands of miles for?" The monk smiled and said "Yes.....oh for f*ck's sake"
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 02:22 PM

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby . He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground and rolled around in pain.

She rushed over to him and offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.

Reluctantly he agreed.

She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants and put her hands inside.

She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes and asked:"How does it feel?"

He replied: "Feels great but still think my thumb is broken".
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 06:07 PM

Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 06:08 PM

Why is Tom Hanks to the right of TMPM?
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 06:16 PM


Well the way I see it everyone else is to the left of her grin2

It's probably one of her sideboard members that we are unfamiliar with Dave.
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/10/17 06:17 PM

clap
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/10/17 09:57 AM

A husband and his wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband put's
"My Penis"and walks away
and the wife falls on the falls laughing
he say's "what are you laughing at"
She says " take a look at the screen "



ERROR

NOT LONG ENOUGH.
Posted By: tmg513

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/10/17 11:50 AM

When I called my girlfriend a slag she said, "But I've only slept with seven men." I said, "Maybe we should wait for them to leave before having this conversation."
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/10/17 02:22 AM

Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/10/17 06:47 AM

thumbs laugh2
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/10/17 12:34 PM

Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.

She didnt want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/10/17 12:50 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.

She didnt want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.


Superb
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/10/17 01:26 PM

Good one Tim rofl
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/10/17 03:10 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.

She didnt want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.


laugh2

Superb....but a bit below the belt. doh
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/10/17 04:23 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.

She didnt want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.


A bit pants but laugh2..
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/10/17 04:23 PM

Originally Posted By Richard - Aus


laugh2
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/10/17 01:03 AM

Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/10/17 08:14 AM

And my engine light comes on not only ay Halloween
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/11/17 09:54 PM

It’s that time of year......
This morning I looked out and saw a figure in a black using a scythe to clear ice off his windscreen.
I asked swmbo if I should go help him.
She said “no way....you would be de-icing with Death”
Posted By: twotribes

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/11/17 10:52 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
It’s that time of year......
This morning I looked out and saw a figure in a black using a scythe to clear ice off his windscreen.
I asked swmbo if I should go help him.
She said “no way....you would be de-icing with Death”


rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/11/17 01:04 AM

Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/11/17 12:59 PM

lol
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/11/17 10:45 PM

There seems to be a trend of F1 drivers with Scottish place names.....
Stirling Moss
Lewis Hamilton
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Town Centre.
fly
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/11/17 10:49 PM

Johnny Dumfries
Posted By: twotribes

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/11/17 10:54 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
There seems to be a trend of F1 drivers with Scottish place names.....
Stirling Moss
Lewis Hamilton
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Town Centre.
fly


Very funny, needs to be said in a Scots accent to work
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/11/17 11:01 PM

Brazillian did me...
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/11/17 12:02 AM

Bob will be along soon.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/11/17 06:23 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
There seems to be a trend of F1 drivers with Scottish place names.....
Stirling Moss
Lewis Hamilton
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Town Centre.
fly


Love it!
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/11/17 08:13 AM

Took a second for that last one to sink in...
Must be early (though I've already done the provisions shop and put some washing on - breakfast next smile ).
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/11/17 10:16 AM

Originally Posted By Ray
Bob will be along soon.


Just another reason for Scotland to be famous.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/11/17 10:34 AM

That is very good!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/11/17 10:14 PM


Sex Pistols to sue the Government after photo emerges from inside Westminster.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6GDdKrQ8EI


Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/11/17 10:23 PM

Alex Salmond was on the news tonight pontificating about something or other relating to Ministers.
He needs to realise that his smug self righteousness is how he's remembered rather than what he's spouting.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/11/17 10:24 PM

clap
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/11/17 03:35 AM

Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/11/17 08:54 AM

laugh2
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/11/17 04:17 PM

A man has been hospitalised with 6 plastic ponies up his bottom the doctors described his condition as stable.
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/11/17 07:34 PM

Morgan evolution! They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Found these while looking for a funny T-shirt....


Then...
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/11/17 10:38 PM

Superb Oz. Funny thing is it’s probably been created by somebody with no knowledge of the brand/history.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/11/17 11:08 PM

Poached from Pistonheads....
https://www.facebook.com/rrggroup/videos/10155183361154506/
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/11/17 11:09 PM

Originally Posted By Richard - Aus
Superb Oz. Funny thing is it’s probably been created by somebody with no knowledge of the brand/history.

I think that's about right Richard but I did have to buy this one of course...

Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/11/17 11:14 PM

Originally Posted By sospan

That's very funny sospan. Thanks for posting.
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/11/17 08:31 AM

Originally Posted By sospan

rofl rofl
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/11/17 10:56 AM

I can't see it as I have closed my facebook account.
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/11/17 10:58 AM

I don't have an account and I could see it... smile
Mind you, every time I access their site it does ask me to sign up.
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/11/17 11:01 AM

Originally Posted By Graham, G4FUJ
I don't have an account and I could see it... smile
Mind you, every time I access their site it does ask me to sign up.

Tried again and saw the "not just now" option. Excellent.
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/11/17 11:21 AM

You are welcome thumbs
The clip made me laugh smile
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/11/17 01:11 PM

Originally Posted By OZ 4/4
Originally Posted By Richard - Aus
Superb Oz. Funny thing is it’s probably been created by somebody with no knowledge of the brand/history.

I think that's about right Richard but I did have to buy this one of course...



Was the flux capacitor not working?
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/11/17 01:19 PM

[quote=OZ 4/4] Morgan evolution! They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Found these while looking for a funny T-shirt....




So where can I get the Plus 8 one I just need one of those thumbs..
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/11/17 06:57 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
[quote=OZ 4/4] Morgan evolution! They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Found these while looking for a funny T-shirt....




So where can I get the Plus 8 one I just need one of those thumbs..


https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Evolution-of-Man-Morgan-Plus-8-t-shirt
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Original-sketch-Chequered-flag-retro-t-shirt-classic-Morgan-Plus-8
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Evolution-of-Man-Morgan-Plus-8-t-shirt
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Original-sketch-Chequered-flag-retro-t-shirt-classic-Morgan-Plus-8
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Morgan-Inspired-T-shirt-Gildan-Gift
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Morgan-Surname-Mens-T-Shirt-100-Morgan-Gift-Name-Family


And there's plenty more...
(M3W and Aero etc)

Enjoy
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/11/17 07:05 PM



Thanks for that OZ thumbs.
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/11/17 07:38 PM

Its a pleasure....
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/11/17 05:21 PM

The snail figured that he might be quicker if he got rid of his shell.

But it made him feel sluggish. getcoat
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/11/17 07:07 PM

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/11/17 07:17 PM

shocked2

rofl
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/11/17 06:23 PM

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond at the back.

it was suitable for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with some orange and lime trees.



One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they went to the deep end.

One of the women Shouted to him. “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up Ron said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think fast!!!
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/11/17 12:22 PM

smile
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/11/17 02:56 PM

Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/11/17 05:38 PM

rofl rofl
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/11/17 05:54 PM


Oops !! rofl rofl thumbs.
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/11/17 08:33 PM

Just read in the local paper an item about a local barber who has been arrested for supplying drugs, I have been a customer of his for many years and didn't have a clue he was a barber ooo
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/11/17 05:34 PM

A sweet grandmother telephoned Salisbury District Hospital. She timidly
asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a
patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and
room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay,
Durrington Ward, Side Room 302

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the
nurse's station for that Ward"

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I
have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
doctor, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so
worried God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay.
No onetells me anything."
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/11/17 05:48 PM

Originally Posted By Burgundymog
Just read in the local paper an item about a local barber who has been arrested for supplying drugs, I have been a customer of his for many years and didn't have a clue he was a barber ooo


rofl
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/11/17 06:58 PM

Posted By: James B W

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/11/17 10:01 AM

Made a phone call to a Help Line last night, but all I could hear was a series of clicks on the line.

I found out later, my call had been recorded for training porpoises…… getcoat


James
Posted By: NeilL

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/11/17 10:31 AM

Thats a good one!! rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/11/17 11:56 AM

Originally Posted By NeilL
Thats a good one!! rofl rofl rofl


Ummmm....
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/11/17 10:29 PM

Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 10:02 AM

Is that a Belgian bun or a Chelsea bun?
Posted By: jbk

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 10:24 AM

Ah that empty bean tin and spoon reminds us baby boomers of our first toy, the spirit of Britain.
Posted By: skullmog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 10:28 AM

do like beans on toast cheers
Posted By: skullmog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 10:31 AM

And those beans are in a ramekin I'm sure thats a French word hide
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 10:32 AM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Is that a Belgian bun or a Chelsea bun?


A Belgian bun should have icing on top but I can spot some Brussels sprouts and Duvel (beer).
Posted By: skullmog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 10:32 AM


Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Is that a Belgian bun or a Chelsea bun?

Danish pastrie!
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 06:11 PM

Beans are Heinz which is a USA product. Ditto Heinz tomato ketchup. I grew up with them and so always thought they were British. Oh how my heart dropped !
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 06:15 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
Beans are Heinz which is a USA product. Ditto Heinz tomato ketchup. I grew up with them and so always thought they were British. Oh how my heart dropped !


I would like to point out that the original poster of this Brexit was a Belgian on FB so what can we expect really, apologies to our fellow TM Belgium members.

p.s. Wouldn't it be great if McDonalds and BK disappeared too in a couple of years.
Posted By: jbk

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 08:02 PM

Bad news Alistair, we don't grow our own Tea either....
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 08:27 PM

Damn, I will have to limit myself to home grown products. I wonder if I can survive on Gin, Cider, Bacon, Beef, Bread and butter. Yup, lifes good.
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 10:41 PM

And Hendersons Relish.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 11:12 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
Damn, I will have to limit myself to home grown products. I wonder if I can survive on Gin, Cider, Bacon, Beef, Bread and butter. Yup, lifes good.

Damn! We on the continent will just have to console ourselves with Dutch Gin, French Cider, Pancetta, Bistecca alla Fiorentina (an aged T bone steak from the breed Chianina which is generally 5cm or 2" thick), Bread in a million varieties, and butter, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, good wine at reasonable prices, beer from everywhere, etc. etc. Yup, life's good.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/17 11:22 PM


We get most of that in Sainsbury's, Lidl, Aldi and Waitrose and they are not about to shut up shop any time soon.

Not forgetting Tobasco, Lea & Perrins, Angostura, English Mustard, HP Sauce and Marmite of course.

The fact is most of us in the Northern Hemishphere on TM have more than enough in choice and quantity, we are truly blessed.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 02:45 AM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
Originally Posted By Alistair
Damn, I will have to limit myself to home grown products. I wonder if I can survive on Gin, Cider, Bacon, Beef, Bread and butter. Yup, lifes good.

Damn! We on the continent will just have to console ourselves with Dutch Gin, French Cider, Pancetta, Bistecca alla Fiorentina (an aged T bone steak from the breed Chianina which is generally 5cm or 2" thick), Bread in a million varieties, and butter, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, good wine at reasonable prices, beer from everywhere, etc. etc. Yup, life's good.


You will not be allowed 2 inch thick steaks...they will be the reserve of the British smile
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 07:00 AM

Originally Posted By jbk
Bad news Alistair, we don't grow our own Tea either....


Yes they do, at the Tregothnan Estate in Cornwall.

Mind you, it works out at nearly 40p a cup.
Posted By: jbk

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 09:26 AM

I stand corrected Hamwich, but it does look a bit like tourist tea for trendies rather than the stuff of old ex empire that keeps our upper lips stiff.
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 11:19 AM

English sparkling wine is pretty good actually.............

Even with beans on toast.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 02:36 PM

Oh dear, oh dear!

I know I contributed to this but before we move "Tongue in cheek Monday humour" to the "Soap Box" can somebody come up with something funny. Even a fish joke would do.

Carping on about Brexit is out of plaice here!
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 03:05 PM

Funnily enough, I have just finished pressing my apples (don't!) for a couple of gallons of cider. Made apple wine before but not cider. I hope I don't have to bury it underground for 10 years.

And it's Cider NOT Cidre.
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 03:28 PM

Have had some good apple cider from our friend Stewart at the Barton Stacey Village fête!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 05:00 PM


We are well stocked up with Kangaroo and Ostrich steaks.

Whole Lobsters too just to add some fish content innocent
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 05:56 PM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
Oh dear, oh dear!

I know I contributed to this but before we move "Tongue in cheek Monday humour" to the "Soap Box" can somebody come up with something funny. Even a fish joke would do.

Carping on about Brexit is out of plaice here!


Well said...!!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 06:25 PM


We had some great Alligator steaks on the Barbie this summer too. thumbs
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 06:30 PM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Funnily enough, I have just finished pressing my apples (don't!) for a couple of gallons of cider. Made apple wine before but not cider. I hope I don't have to bury it underground for 10 years.

And it's Cider NOT Cidre.


Sounds good.

Have you tried the Elderflower Cider I quite like it it's light.
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 06:38 PM

Talking food - Wild Boar Sausages tonight smile
Heh, that reminds of part of a Muppet Show sketch grin2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 06:40 PM

Originally Posted By Graham, G4FUJ
Talking food - Wild Boar Sausages tonight smile
Heh, that reminds of part of a Muppet Show sketch grin2


They are tasty and another favourite from the game world.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 06:42 PM


We tried the Shark steaks but not too partial to them.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 06:47 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

We tried the Shark steaks but not too partial to them.


I don’t like them too thick, much prefer them fin
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 06:49 PM

Originally Posted By Stewart S
Originally Posted By +8Rich

We tried the Shark steaks but not too partial to them.


I don’t like them too thick, much prefer them fin


laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/17 07:18 PM


Not related at all but I liked these Boddingtons adverts of the era.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzpHg-9ztfY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnNRRYCyRms
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/12/17 10:46 PM

I just heard that the Flat Earth Society now has a global following.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/12/17 10:55 PM

However they believe Mars is round as they have seen it !
HIGNFY.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/12/17 11:00 PM

On a tour of a brewery I was introduced to staff.
In the first room was a man with a rake...This is Dave who looks after the barley
Next room...a man with a paddle....this is Stan who looks after the yeast.
Room 3.... a man with one leg....This is Jack who looks after the hops.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/12/17 08:05 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
On a tour of a brewery I was introduced to staff.
In the first room was a man with a rake...This is Dave who looks after the barley
Next room...a man with a paddle....this is Stan who looks after the yeast.
Room 3.... a man with one leg....This is Jack who looks after the hops.


And let me guess, in room 4 there's an ex-SAS man who's there to provide some bottle
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/12/17 08:34 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
I just heard that the Flat Earth Society now has a global following.


The only thing they have to fear is sphere itself...
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/12/17 09:06 AM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Originally Posted By sospan
I just heard that the Flat Earth Society now has a global following.


The only thing they have to fear is sphere itself...


laugh2

Nice one. That's an all round good joke
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/12/17 09:53 PM


Bloody windmills Bah Humbug...

Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/12/17 09:40 AM

This guy called John goes fishing off a pier. 

He finally catches a fish, and is about to put him in the cooler when he hears the fish cry out "Oh No! Please don't kill me. I'm the only talking fish in the world!" 

"Oh yeah?" says John "What's your name?" 

"I'm Rusty, the only talking salmon in the world! Please let me loose!" 

John thinks about it for a moment and then decides to throw Rusty back. Five years later John goes fishing at the same place where he caught Rusty and after a few hours he catches this huge salmon about 4 feet long. 

"Rusty?" says John. 

"John is that you?" asks Rusty. 

"Yeah, hi Rusty!" replies John. 

"So, watcha been doing?" questions Rusty. 

"Well, I've been working and keeping busy. What've you been doing, Rusty?" 

"Well John, while I was swimming, I found the Titanic, and it was so beautiful that I wrote a book of poems about it" 

"Oh yeah? What's it called?" queries John. 

Rusty then says: "It's THE TITANIC VERSES, by SALMON RUSTY!"
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/12/17 09:53 AM

Very good
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/12/17 01:11 PM

Before he emigrated to America to found the Colgate Company, William Colgate lived in Shoreham in Kent. The house where he grew up has now been recognised by English Heritage as being of historic interest.

It doesn't, however, have any plaque on it.
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/12/17 02:43 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Before he emigrated to America to found the Colgate Company, William Colgate lived in Shoreham in Kent. The house where he grew up has now been recognised by English Heritage as being of historic interest.

It doesn't, however, have any plaque on it.


laugh2

I'm Sorry .....
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/17 11:20 AM

As seen in Butcher Boyz in Umlhanga, Durban last week
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/17 12:23 PM

Very good!
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/17 06:56 PM

When I was ready to pay for my purchases in the Supermarket,
the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the Supermarket hierarchy, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/17 07:02 PM

Good one but see from last night..

http://www.talkmorgan.com/ubbthreads.php/topics/486933/Supermarket_problem#Post486933
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/17 07:16 PM

Chris Rea is to join up with Dire Straits.
They will be called Dire Rea
pantsdown
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/12/17 03:48 AM

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/12/17 05:59 AM

Originally Posted By Richard - Aus


laugh2

Love it
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/12/17 09:42 AM

I want to know why Homer Simpson is in it.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/12/17 10:11 AM


I think I know what he said grin2 innocent..

https://www.facebook.com/ferris.tse.3/videos/1630264076992174/
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/12/17 02:25 PM

And the bloke that puts the lights out at night is from the Black Watch. hide


Originally Posted By pandy
Originally Posted By sospan
On a tour of a brewery I was introduced to staff.
In the first room was a man with a rake...This is Dave who looks after the barley
Next room...a man with a paddle....this is Stan who looks after the yeast.
Room 3.... a man with one leg....This is Jack who looks after the hops.


And let me guess, in room 4 there's an ex-SAS man who's there to provide some bottle
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/12/17 05:58 PM

Was he doing the VW emissions test?
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/12/17 06:11 PM


Rudolf Pribluda, a keen communist activist is siting in front of a roaring fire in his remote cottage.

As he's warming himself, his wife, Natalia comes in with logs for the fire.

"It's a wicked night Rudolf Pribluda, sleet is falling heavily." she said.

"Nonsense,it's raining," said Rudolf, "I can hear it on the roof."

"No, no," said Natalia, it's sleeting.

No, wife, "it's rain, Rudolf answered sharply.

" But Rudolf, I told you, it's sleet, I've just been out in it," Natalia insisted.

Niet, niet, niet," it is rain! " Rudolph bellowed." "And I" ll tell you this much, Natalia Pribluda... "

" Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear. "
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/12/17 06:33 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Was he doing the VW emissions test?


I think he must have been laugh2..
Posted By: mph

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/12/17 06:34 PM

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. Eventually she asks him to come and have dinner with her parents. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a weird family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses his girlfriend.

No one speaks ..! He throws her on the table and makes love to her in front of everyone. And still no one speaks ...!!!

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

He's wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline.

And the father shouts out ...."Put the Vaseline away - I'll do the f***** dishes."
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/12/17 06:37 PM

rofl rofl thumbs
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/17 05:46 AM

Very good.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/17 09:20 AM

Originally Posted By mph
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

Absolutely no risk of me doing that hide
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/17 09:43 AM

What ? They don't sell Vaseline in Italy. wink
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/17 12:51 AM


Received from a Kiwi friend. This appeared on a New Zealand Farming site .. hide

Posted By: NeilL

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/17 08:37 AM

Very dangerous ...but very funny!! laugh2
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/17 09:59 AM

Originally Posted By NeilL
Very dangerous ...but very funny!! laugh2


+1
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/17 10:01 AM

Brilliant!
Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/17 12:46 PM

Very funny and so imaginable. It is spreading amongst our friends, not really PC but (or because of it) the more so it is a very big laugh.
Posted By: N22MOG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/17 02:53 PM

Brilliant, totally un-PC but brilliant. I’ve had to share it, now taking cover hide
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/17 03:40 PM


I had to stand back a bit when swmbo read it...
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/17 08:13 PM

Well...when we go out we share the driving. Not exactly on a “who’s turn tonight?” theme.
I drive to the pub and swmbo drives home.

So...does this mean we will have a series of less than pc jokes?
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/17 10:23 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Well...when we go out we share the driving. Not exactly on a “who’s turn tonight?” theme.
I drive to the pub and swmbo drives home.

So...does this mean we will have a series of less than pc jokes?


I think you just started one laugh2
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/01/18 01:44 PM

Typical Aussie humor ! most will have seen it before but just in case--still brings a smile or Grimace


Plastic Chair
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/01/18 04:48 PM

Ouch ....
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/01/18 06:18 AM

Ouch indeed.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/18 04:23 PM

My mate is in hospital. He ate a daffodil bulb thinking it was an onion.
Doctor says he will be out in the Spring.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/18 04:28 PM

He just updated me......
They found a piece of lettuce leaf hanging from his rear aperture ( euphamism used to protect the faint hearted).
They said it could be serious. Might be the tip of an iceberg.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/18 04:33 PM

News flash.....
A major fight has broken out in a petrol station. Twenty people have been arrested in Total.
A police spokesman stated..
“All Shell has broken out “.
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/18 06:51 PM

Phill, you must have had a posh box of crackers for xmas. grin2
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/18 07:33 PM

Originally Posted By Ray
Phill, you must have had a posh box of crackers for xmas. grin2


What flavour crisps do pilots prefer..........................


"Plane".

This was our best cracker joke. We actually laughed.
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/18 10:52 PM

Why is it that many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss
Eddie Irvine
Lewis Hamilton
Ayr Town Centre
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/01/18 12:32 PM

Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive.
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."
Posted By: Budster

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/01/18 12:35 PM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/01/18 01:12 PM

Originally Posted By athelstan
Why is it that many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss
Eddie Irvine
Lewis Hamilton
Ayr Town Centre


An old one but a good one!
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/01/18 10:21 AM

Love the Ayr Town Centre.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/01/18 11:09 PM

Genius..
https://www.facebook.com/HappyToastArts/...e=3&theater
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 04:02 AM



Clever
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 08:33 AM

+1. but it has big words also.
Posted By: madmax

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 08:40 AM

Excellent stuff !
Posted By: NeilL

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 09:01 AM

The Jeremy Hunt joke is very good!

Even bigger laugh - he could be Deputy PM today!!
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 12:03 PM

I have dug up an old joke book from a packing case....brace yourselves!


A young pretty miss waqlked up to the bow legged chemist and asked..
"May I have some talcum powder, please?"
He said...
Yes ma'm, walk right this way."
She replied...
"If I could walk like that I wouldn't need any talcum powder".

Two millipedes were cuddling. The female was reluctant. She crossed her legs and said..
No, no, a thousand times, NO!"
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 01:56 PM

What's grey, got four legs, and plays the piano?

- Elephants Gerald
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 02:15 PM

laugh2
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 02:52 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
What's grey, got four legs, and plays the piano?

- Elephants Gerald

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 03:00 PM

God I must be thick - I don’t get it thinking
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 03:02 PM

Ella was a wee bit before your time !! grin2
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 03:21 PM

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 04:01 PM

doh

Oh OK - I do have quite a lot of Ella’s music, it was the piano bit that put me off the scent - she did play piano but hardly known as a pianist !!

If you’d said “ what’s Grey, has four legs and sings Jazz” ? I might have got it
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 04:06 PM

Or

What’s Grey, has four legs and scats?
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 04:29 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
What's grey, got four legs, and plays the piano?



Thelonious Trunk
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 06:09 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
What's grey, got four legs, and plays the piano?



Horace ‘the Hippo’ Silver
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 06:35 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
What's grey, got four legs, and plays the piano?



Richard Ikea Coffee Table Clayderman

(Oh well, I’m enjoying myself at least)
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 06:57 PM

Who plays Jazz piano and kicks Napoleon's arse ?

Duke Wellington
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 07:22 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
Who plays Jazz piano and kicks Napoleon's arse ?



Mary Waterloo Williams
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 09:55 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
Who plays Jazz piano and kicks Napoleon's arse ?


Dave Marshall Blucher Brubeck
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 09:57 PM

What do you get if you cross a Jack Russell with a Shih tzu . grin2
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/01/18 09:58 PM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
What do you get if you cross a Jack Russell with a Shih tzu . grin2




Russell Zu?
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/01/18 08:28 AM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
What do you get if you cross a Jack Russell with a Shih tzu . grin2




Nothing. (polite version).
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/01/18 08:38 AM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
What do you get if you cross a Jack Russell with a Shih tzu . grin2




Just makes me think of the major in fawlty towers

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=seZu0GyVF4A
Posted By: Stringers Best Mate

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/01/18 08:38 AM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
What do you get if you cross a Jack Russell with a Shih tzu . grin2




Nothing. (polite version).


grin2 grin2
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/01/18 08:55 AM

Never thought of myself as a major , more a Baldrick you need a cunning plan to work on one .
[/quote]

Just makes me think of the major in fawlty towers

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=seZu0GyVF4A [/quote]
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/01/18 04:02 PM

Whilst on the subject of the interbreeding of dogs, I wonder what the name would be for a Shih Tzu and Bulldog cross.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/01/18 04:18 PM

Originally Posted By athelstan
Whilst on the subject of the interbreeding of dogs, I wonder what the name would be for a Shih Tzu and Bulldog cross.

A Snot grin2
Posted By: IvorMog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/01/18 04:29 PM

Originally Posted By athelstan
Whilst on the subject of the interbreeding of dogs, I wonder what the name would be for a Shih Tzu and Bulldog cross.


Have I been lead into a trap here by stating the obvious Bullsh*t
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/01/18 10:16 AM

The thought of that poor tiny dog with a bulldog . Reminds me of some of the females when I was as a la
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/18 01:38 PM

Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast
implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost
from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough because
women are always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/18 01:54 PM

Originally Posted By Burgundymog
Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast
implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost
from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough because
women are always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.


Is it compatible with the iRon ?
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/18 02:03 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
Originally Posted By Burgundymog
Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast
implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost
from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough because
women are always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.


Is it compatible with the iRon ?


Totally, closely followed by a swift kick in the iGearbox...
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/18 02:09 PM

new tech?
Three chaps from different tech companies were playing golf.
On the fairway one stops, seems in a daze. The others ask if he is ok
Yes, fine, just receiving a voice message from work through my in-ear comms receiver.
Not bad the others say.
Couple of holes later the second guy stops, starts talking.
OK he says, just using my bio phone with speaker in my ear and mic in my tooth.
Not bad say the others.
Later on the third guy says
Be back in a minute chaps. He goes into the bushes.
After a few minutes his mates are worried so go look for him.
They find him trousers down, squatting with paper hanging from his rear end.
Mate, one says, there's a toilet just over there for God's sake.
No chaps, it's ok. Just receiving a Fax from HQ. pantsdown
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/18 05:19 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
new tech?
Three chaps from different tech companies were playing golf.
On the fairway one stops, seems in a daze. The others ask if he is ok
Yes, fine, just receiving a voice message from work through my in-ear comms receiver.
Not bad the others say.
Couple of holes later the second guy stops, starts talking.
OK he says, just using my bio phone with speaker in my ear and mic in my tooth.
Not bad say the others.
Later on the third guy says
Be back in a minute chaps. He goes into the bushes.
After a few minutes his mates are worried so go look for him.
They find him trousers down, squatting with paper hanging from his rear end.
Mate, one says, there's a toilet just over there for God's sake.
No chaps, it's ok. Just receiving a Fax from HQ. pantsdown


I remember that joke. Excellent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYxfcegdD6I

The other one from that time was Bernard the Bear. Do watch it to the end.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q62lVpfn1uI
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/18 10:54 PM

A SQUIRRELS TALE:

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END


THE U.K. VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Jeremy Corbyn rants in an interview with Andrew Marr that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "Fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 06:59 AM

Actually live is too short to read long grasshopper stories.
But it seems that a lot of people run an excellent business based on a poor grasshoppers live.
Posted By: N22MOG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 07:12 AM

Brilliant John laugh2
Posted By: Fox Terrier

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 07:45 AM

Wrong on every level but a useful insight into the mindset of a particular brand-politic.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 07:46 AM

Originally Posted By Fox Terrier
Wrong on every level but a useful insight into the mindset of a particular brand-politic.


thumbs
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 08:21 AM

I thought this was the humour thread, real life should be kept out of it (unless it involves blondes,of course) laugh
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 09:19 AM

I wonder if we can have the Squirrel and the Grasshopper retold as the ‘Carillion’ version?

Where it would go like this

Lots of greedy squirrels hatch a plan to build huge piles of nuts and dens for themselves and lots of creatures and so they get lots of grasshoppers to do their work for them and collect all their nuts with the promise that they will pay them a few nuts in time for Winter in a months time

The little grasshoppers do their work to the instructions of the squirrels but when they ask for their nuts in payment in time for Winter the squirrels say sorry you’ve not done quite what we ask for, you need to do more and we’ve got whole armies of squirrels to prove it and we only pay grasshoppers two seasons after Winter because we are bigger than you and you don’t really need the nuts now

Some grasshoppers go hungry and die, others try to continue to gather nuts but in the promise of more nuts

The Squirrels dens for other creatures get delayed and go bad but the Squirrels keep their nuts and dens and are nice and warm in the Winter

The Squirrels then go to the governor of the forest and say, please help us to give some nuts to the grasshoppers by taking nuts from lots of other creatures and less greedy squirrels as we haven’t got enough nuts to go to the grasshoppers and we are such a large group of squirrels that you need us for next years gathering

In my ending the governor of the forest should say get lost and banish the greedy squirrels from ever gathering nuts again but sadly I don’t think that will happen
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 09:53 AM

Masterpiece, Stewart!
Posted By: twotribes

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 11:07 AM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
I thought this was the humour thread, real life should be kept out of it (unless it involves blondes,of course) laugh


What is the function of humour or comedy in society if it is not to hold up a mirror and force us to confront realities that we would often prefer to ignore?

I have no issue with real life intruding into humour, or vice versa. Whether the grasshopper parable feels relevant (and therefore funny) probably depends on where you live and whether the reality it parodies is apparent in your everyday experience.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 11:40 AM

All very good .. love the Apple one.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 12:19 PM

Squirrels,cats,mice,grasshoppers.
Whatever happened to the shaggy dogs?
idea
Ah! The term “shaggy” was deemed too risque to include by the PC Police BBC branch.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/18 05:37 PM

Originally Posted By sospan

Ah! The term “shaggy” was deemed too risque to include by the PC Police BBC branch.


"It wasn't me"
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/01/18 05:54 PM


A friend bought me a copy of the Daily Snail on Sunday as it featured the Spitfire in it's supplement - I had forgotten what a dire bit of a rag it was.

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/01/18 05:55 PM

rofl
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/01/18 02:10 AM

Very good.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/01/18 05:03 PM

President Trump proved beyond doubt that he is a true genius yesterday, having completed a jigsaw in less than a month despite the fact that it said 2-4 Years on the lid.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/01/18 06:18 PM

laugh2

That's his medical over then..
Posted By: Georgetoad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/18 04:11 AM

Culinary Advice

Always use coconut oil when wilting spinach or kale.It makes it easier to slide into the bin.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/18 10:26 AM

That could be construed as a double entendre!
Could also be my sometimes warped sense of humour
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/18 04:41 PM

A blonde pushes her BMW into a garage and tells the mechanic it died.
After working on it for a few minutes
he has the engine idling smoothly .
She asks " Whats the secret"
" No secret madam , just crap in your carbs " he replied.

" How often do I have to do that "?
Asked the Blonde.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/01/18 10:07 AM

Very droll.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/01/18 01:55 PM

Bill was getting on in years and started having a little problem, particularly in the winter and spring, so he went to talk to his doctor.

"Doctor I'm having a little problem. Every time I cough or sneeze I wet myself."

"You mean you're incontinent?" The doctor asked.

Bill thought for a moment "No. Here in England too!"
Posted By: Fox Terrier

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/01/18 01:58 PM

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/01/18 04:00 PM

Originally Posted By Fox Terrier
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.


ooo doh
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/01/18 04:03 PM

Originally Posted By Stewart S
Originally Posted By Fox Terrier
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.


ooo doh


Yes but it made me laugh.
rofl grin2
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 09:04 AM

I don’t know whether you listen to Radio 4 and 4 extra comedy but I was in stitches listening to this sketch Show the other night

If this link works - listen to the sketch at 12 minutes 30 seconds in

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09l21yy
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 09:29 AM

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Liverpool showed up .
Never having seeing anyone from Liverpool at Heavens door , St Peter said he would check with God
After hearing the news God, instructed him to admit the 10 most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, St Peter returned to God breathless and said. "They are gone". "What?" all of the Liverpudlians are gone" asked God". "No"?
replied St. Peter,
"The Pearly Gates."
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 11:36 AM

An old one but a good one Jack.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 11:36 AM

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 12:25 PM

That's cheating you don't get snow over their.
Posted By: Fox Terrier

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 12:30 PM

That’s very good!
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 12:48 PM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
That's cheating you don't get snow over their.


It snows in China & the Antarctic. There is snow on Kilimanjaro & on the mountains in S Africa so potentially a zebra could be in snow.
hide
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 01:10 PM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
That's cheating you don't get snow over their.


We do “over there” smile. Not much and rarely in WA but...
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 01:51 PM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
That's cheating you don't get snow over their.

Well they do. In some areas quite a lot. The map below is for extreme conditions but the areas in white often get snow and some of the areas such as the Snowy Mountains and Tasmania would get snow every year. There are many ski resorts in the Snowy Mountains.

Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 02:10 PM

Originally Posted By Fox Terrier
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

Reminds me of one of my son's jokes many years ago.

A piece of string walked into a bar and ordered a beer, the bar tender says sorry no string allowed in here. The piece of string walks out and then gets an idea. He ties himself in a knot and then ruffles up the loose end.
He walks back into the bar and the barmen says "aren't you a bit of string", "No!" was the reply, "I'm afraid not"
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/18 03:35 PM

Originally Posted By Stewart S
I don’t know whether you listen to Radio 4 and 4 extra comedy but I was in stitches listening to this sketch Show the other night

If this link works - listen to the sketch at 12 minutes 30 seconds in

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09l21yy


Sorry it starts a little earlier at 12 mins 25 seconds - don’t miss the first few seconds
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/01/18 08:38 PM

Just noted that Casualty is on series 30.
It is keeping true to reality........patients from series 1 are just being seen.......
hide
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/01/18 08:43 PM

A man was standing with a shepherds rook and mashed potato on his head.
Someone asked him what he did for a living?
A spy he replied
Well why are you dressd as a shepherd?
I am a shepherds apy he replied
hide
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/01/18 10:30 PM

Canada's population of grizzly bears is suffering from an outbreak of dysentery. A spokesman for the Government vets who are treating the bears said that things are getting better but they're not out of the woods yet.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/01/18 12:29 PM

Taken on my way to work this morning

Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/01/18 12:47 PM

Originally Posted By athelstan
Canada's population of grizzly bears is suffering from an outbreak of dysentery. A spokesman for the Government vets who are treating the bears said that things are getting better but they're not out of the woods yet.


rofl
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/01/18 06:11 PM

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/01/18 01:13 PM

A sailor goes to the surgery.
Doc, I think I have an infection. Probably Hermes.
Doc....do you mean herpes?
No, doc, I am a carrier.

*************

A man goes to hospital with an arm injury. He is sat in a room waiting for an x-ray.
Turns to the man on his rigt and the chap says

“Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face! Great chieftain o' the pudding race”

Turns to the chap on his left who says
"Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie. O, what a panic's in by thy beastie”

Worried he asks a nurse if he was in the psychiatric unit.
No, she says, this is the Burns unit.


Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/01/18 01:16 PM

A steam train fanatic said his ideal way to die would be to be run over by a steam train.
Couple of weeks later it happened.
He was chuffed to bits.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/01/18 01:22 PM

While I am on a roll........

Frank Sinatra brought out a delicacy of wildebeast pate.
He advertised it by singing...
Start spreading the gnus.....
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/01/18 01:28 PM

I warned you.......
A priest was called to perform an exorcism on a chicken coop.
He mahaged to rid it of a poultrygeist.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/01/18 08:46 AM

Anyone watch Piers Morgan interviewing the Donald on the telly last night ?

It struck me that Trump'n'Morgan sounds like the German word for the morning after a large bowl of artichoke soup.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/01/18 11:05 AM

I can imagine the created atmosphere..

I didn't see it but I heard one quote from it - P would you call yourself a feminist ? Donald I wouldn't go that far but I do love men and women !

Is it worth watching Giles ?
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/01/18 11:18 AM

Originally Posted By sospan

*************

A man goes to hospital with an arm injury. He is sat in a room waiting for an x-ray.
Turns to the man on his rigt and the chap says

“Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face! Great chieftain o' the pudding race”

Turns to the chap on his left who says
"Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie. O, what a panic's in by thy beastie”

Worried he asks a nurse if he was in the psychiatric unit.
No, she says, this is the Burns unit.




rofl
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/01/18 02:15 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

Is it worth watching Giles ?


I wouldn't say so. It was just a game of gobshite tennis between two massive egomaniacs.

The main agenda seemed to be Piers Morgan preening himself about how he and the Donald are such good mates (the Donald didn't seem so sure, and rather pleasingly called Morgan "Pierce") .

"Pierce" certainly didn't put the President under any kind of scrutiny.

He's far from being my favourite Morgan !!
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/01/18 06:32 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
I can imagine the created atmosphere..

I didn't see it but I heard one quote from it - P would you call yourself a feminist ? Donald I wouldn't go that far but I do love men and women !

Is it worth watching Giles ?
Only if you have a spare hour of life to waste.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/01/18 06:33 PM

Originally Posted By Ray
Originally Posted By +8Rich
I can imagine the created atmosphere..

I didn't see it but I heard one quote from it - P would you call yourself a feminist ? Donald I wouldn't go that far but I do love men and women !

Is it worth watching Giles ?
Only if you have a spare hour of life to waste.


Oh no never a spare one to waste is there.

Giles is currently on holiday so he has good reason to be titillated.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 12:05 AM

Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 12:22 AM

Did they have to
wash him down in GUNK? laugh
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 12:26 AM

That thought pleases me a lot laugh2..
Posted By: Budster

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 02:07 AM

A friend’s wife asked him what he was doing today.
“Nothing planned” was his reply.
She then reminded him that he had done nothing the previous day.
Quick as a flash he came back with.
“I know. I haven’t finished yet”

thumbs
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 03:54 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich


I was at first not sure who to be sorry for but then I saw this as a win win.
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 09:57 AM

Originally Posted By Ray
Did they have to
wash him down in GUNK? laugh


I think he also comes pre-coated through years of experience.
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 02:00 PM

I walked into a chemist and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only Pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male Pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss,
I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The Pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company SUV,
* a king size bed and
* £2,000 a month in living expenses."
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 02:15 PM

laugh2 laugh2 Very good..
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 06:21 PM

We are away for a few days. We called in the bar after a nice walk.
I ordered the drinks. I had some Nobby’s nuts. Luckily they have an ointment in the pharmacy to help.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/18 07:05 PM


From todays Torygraph ...


A Norwegian flight with a broken toilet was forced to return to Oslo only 20 minutes into the journey - despite the plane being full of plumbers.
The service from the Norwegian capital bound for the German city of Munich - a two hour and 20 minute flight - was carrying 85 tradesmen from the country’s plumbing industry including 65 from one company, Rørkjøp.
But the army of plumbers was unable to fix the faulty loo.
“We would have liked to fix the restrooms, but unfortunately it had to be done from the outside and we did not take the opportunity to send a plumber [out] at 10,000 metres,” Rørkjøp ceo Frank Olsen told Norwegian newspaper Dagbladet.
Data from FlightRadar24.com shows the Boeing 737 aircraft departed Oslo at 8:28 local time, climbed to 33,000 feet, before turning around. The aircraft then flew north of Oslo and circled to burn fuel before landing an hour after departure.
Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/01/18 10:31 PM

Originally Posted By athelstan
I walked into a chemist and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only Pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male Pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss,
I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The Pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company SUV,
* a king size bed and
* £2,000 a month in living expenses."


Brilliant P.M.S.L
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/02/18 09:01 PM

Wonder what Morgan would charge for one of these....?

Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/02/18 10:12 PM

Whats wrong with scan and edit?
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/02/18 09:59 AM

Nice pic but Dollars in London? Unlikely since the Euro was a no lol....
Posted By: twotribes

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/02/18 10:46 AM

Originally Posted By Richard - Aus
Nice pic but Dollars in London? Unlikely since the Euro was a no lol....


The UK doesn't have an exclusive franchise on places named London.

Most likely from the Trek bicycle shop in London, Ontario CA, or London, Ohio US... etc.

Very funny - you think they would provide the bogus invoice for free given how much bikes can cost.
Posted By: James B W

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/02/18 10:59 AM

son of a friend went for a job as a mechanic with Citroen , UK .....

- they asked him to submit 2 CV's getcoat

James
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/02/18 11:00 AM

rofl
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/02/18 03:07 PM

My grandmother was amazed at the skills of doctors nowadays. When she was a young woman she had to take all her clothes off for them to examine her, now all she has to do is to stick her tongue out.shades
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/02/18 04:47 PM

laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/02/18 07:20 PM

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Gotta love older people!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/02/18 07:23 PM

While Bob was sunbathing naked at the beach at Green Valley, for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat.."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "Madam, if you were better looking, it would lift itself."
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/02/18 08:21 AM

My therapist told me that a good way to let go of my anger is to write letters to the people who I hate and to burn them.

I did that, and they were right, I do feel a lot better.

But now I am wondering if I should I keep the letters?
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/02/18 11:01 AM

A man was in the dock accused of exposing himself to a woman.
On giving evidence the woman said...
As I walked past I saw his thing sticking out.
The man said from the dock.
Don't flatter yourself madam, it was only hanging out.
He got a suspended sentence...
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/02/18 03:22 AM

All very good!
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 11:21 AM

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you
in a while.. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooed in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird poo?"

"It was my first day with the hook."
Posted By: Budster

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 03:09 PM

Someone said they would attack me with the neck of a guitar

Is that a fret?
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 04:15 PM

No....he was just stringing you along.
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 04:27 PM

Was he a nut?
Posted By: James B W

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 04:27 PM

Originally Posted By Budster
Someone said they would attack me with the neck of a guitar

Is that a fret?


I guess you would have to defend er yourself....... getcoat

James
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 04:28 PM

Originally Posted By James B W
Originally Posted By Budster
Someone said they would attack me with the neck of a guitar

Is that a fret?


I guess you would have to defend er yourself....... getcoat

James


laugh2
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 04:33 PM

Old age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier .

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor .
Instead of the Police

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.

Old age is when you stop growing at both ends and and begin to grow in the middle .

ps. This has nothing to do with Simon's birthday . innocent hide
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 04:34 PM

Man 1: I bought my wife a guitar for xmas
Man 2: A Fender?
Man 1: Yes it did, she wanted a handbag.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 04:34 PM

What do you call a guitarist with no girlfriend?


Homeless.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 04:36 PM

The fact that there is a Highway to Hell but only a Stairway to Heaven reveals a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 04:46 PM

For the ladies.


Madonna is 55,
her boyfriend is 22.

Tina Turner is 75.
her boyfriend is 40.

J,lo is 42.
her boyfriend is 26.

Mariah Carey is 44.
her husband is 32.

Still single ????

Dont worry Girls


Your Boyfriend is not born yet.

grin2

Odd thing they pick younger men and we pick older cars . Now try and work that out.







Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 11:18 PM

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/18 11:22 PM

Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/02/18 10:17 AM

Originally Posted By Budster
Someone said they would attack me with the neck of a guitar


If Falcon Heavy took a bag of sugar into space would that be Strato Caster?
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/02/18 07:05 PM

Why MMC sometimes has problems with build quality
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/02/18 11:29 AM

Good old Escher.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/02/18 04:34 PM

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/02/18 06:08 PM

Good one
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/02/18 06:37 PM

I love you too! (also talking to the gin) cheers
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/02/18 07:31 PM


North Korean military in a lighter mood...

https://www.facebook.com/OfficialSeeMore/videos/2485933561454533/
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/02/18 02:36 PM


Put it on here as well for the non Olympic fans grin2 ..

Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/02/18 10:12 AM

Like the gin one.
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/02/18 10:40 AM

Originally Posted By Richard - Aus
Like the gin one.

Yes, I can resemble her comment, too smile
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/02/18 04:26 PM



A bit rude but I thought it funny ! It just wouldn't occur to me to write on the shower wall wink

From a Danish Morgan friend.



Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/02/18 09:22 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich


A bit rude but I thought it funny ! It just wouldn't occur to me to write on the shower wall wink

From a Danish Morgan friend.





I have just rolled round the floor laughing/crying for 5 mins....when i could eventually explain to her, her reply was " is that it" i did tell her it was a Mans joke
P.M.S.L
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/02/18 08:05 AM

Very good indeed.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/02/18 07:48 PM

Due to cutbacks James Bond was made redundant.
He went to the job centre.
The man there showed him two jobs
Working in a call centre.
Working in a wool mill colouring department.

Not amused, Bond replied. Well....you expect me to Talk?
The chap replied...
No, Mr Bond. I expect you to dye.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/02/18 10:58 PM

Hope that' grin2 s not sheep DYE.



Originally Posted By sospan
Due to cutbacks James Bond was made redundant.
He went to the job centre.
The man there showed him two jobs
Working in a call centre.
Working in a wool mill colouring department.

Not amused, Bond replied. Well....you expect me to Talk?
The chap replied...
No, Mr Bond. I expect you to dye.
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/02/18 01:23 AM

Classic...
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/02/18 08:12 AM




.


Another Martini for you?
Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/02/18 11:00 AM

I prefer Martini Dry.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/02/18 11:06 AM

Where are the two cherries . grin2



Originally Posted By The Austrian



.


Another Martini for you?
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/02/18 11:50 AM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
Where are the two cherries . grin2



Originally Posted By The Austrian



.


Another Martini for you?
Lost them a while back. innocent
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/02/18 01:46 PM


There's bragging for you grin2..
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/02/18 02:45 PM

You are not being sheepish "are you" . innocent



Originally Posted By Ray
Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
Where are the two cherries . grin2



Originally Posted By The Austrian



.


Another Martini for you?
Lost them a while back. innocent
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/18 04:06 PM


Next time you are asked to change a bed try this out wink

It could just be the last time of asking...


https://www.facebook.com/zenaide.dellandreasantos/videos/474924239569178/
Posted By: Clipper

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/18 07:00 PM

Anyone for chips?

Posted By: Clipper

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/18 07:05 PM

More bad taste.

Only in America!

Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/18 07:35 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich


A bit rude but I thought it funny ! It just wouldn't occur to me to write on the shower wall wink

From a Danish Morgan friend.





Love it...
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/18 07:35 PM

From the internet.

Written on a public toilet wall:

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism

2. Irony

3. Lists
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/18 07:39 PM

Originally Posted By DaveW
From the internet.

Written on a public toilet wall:

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism

2. Irony

3. Lists


Excellent - must remember that one
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/18 08:29 PM

Originally Posted By Clipper
More bad taste.

Only in America!



Superb
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/03/18 06:39 PM


Received from a French Morgan FB friend.

Present company excluded.

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/03/18 10:43 PM


I put this on the South west weather also ..

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/03/18 04:44 PM

Richard a firm I used to deal with owned by two brothers left to them by there father, drive nothing else had them since I can remember . Both married and do as they are told . A right couple of Christmas trees. rofl





Originally Posted By +8Rich

Received from a French Morgan FB friend.

Present company excluded.

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/03/18 04:50 PM

By hell swmbo looked over my shoulder and laughed , thought I would get told off AGAIN . Think my eyes would water if I tried to peel that .



Originally Posted By Clipper
Anyone for chips?

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/03/18 07:07 PM


From a Danish Morgan friend..

Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/18 07:32 AM

I've often thought that being a headline writer for the Sun has to be one of the best jobs in the world.

In any case, they outdid themselves with their headline on an article over whether Max Moseley lied during his orgy libel case.

"The liar, the swish and the whore probe".

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/5697657/max-mosley-police-probe-orgy-trial-leaflet/
Posted By: Neilda

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/18 07:46 AM

Originally Posted By pandy
I've often thought that being a headline writer for the Sun has to be one of the best jobs in the world.



There was a story many years ago of a patient at a mental hospital who sexually assaulted some women in a launderette and went on the run.

'Nut screws washers and bolts'.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/18 08:05 AM

Originally Posted By Neilda
Originally Posted By pandy
I've often thought that being a headline writer for the Sun has to be one of the best jobs in the world.



There was a story many years ago of a patient at a mental hospital who sexually assaulted some women in a launderette and went on the run.

'Nut screws washers and bolts'.


Both very good.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/18 08:08 AM

I think my favorite remains the Scottish edition of The Sun's headline for Celtic's 3-1 defeat by Inverness Caledonian Thistle in the Scottish Cup in 2000

"Super Caley go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious"
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/18 11:03 AM

Originally Posted By Neilda
Originally Posted By pandy
I've often thought that being a headline writer for the Sun has to be one of the best jobs in the world.



There was a story many years ago of a patient at a mental hospital who sexually assaulted some women in a launderette and went on the run.

'Nut screws washers and bolts'.


rofl rofl
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/18 11:10 AM

I was standing at a bar at an over 60s do minding my own business .
A big fat ugly woman grabbed my ass and said " You are cute have you a phone phone number ?"
I said "yes have you a pen".
She said "yes I have a pen "
So I replied "you better get back in it before the farmer misses you ".


I went to the chemist and asked the woman "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please. "
She replied "Do you need a paper bag with that" .
I said " "no she is not that bad looking" .


I was talking to a young woman in the over 60s last night .
She came out with "If you lost a few pounds , had a shave and got your haircut, You would look all right."
I replied " If I did that , I'd be chatting to your friends over their instead of you."


I was telling a woman in the club about my ability to Guess what day a woman she was born just by feeling her breasts .
"Really" she said , Go on then.. try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to loose patience and said , " Come on, what day was I born ?"
I said "Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today . The life guard shouted so loud I nearly fell in .


I went to our over 60s last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table .
I said , " Good legs."
She giggled and said , "Do you really think so ?"
I said, "Definitely! Most table would have collapsed by now ".
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/18 12:52 PM

laugh2
Posted By: A11OGE

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/18 01:09 PM

You’ve been saving those up.

Top marks.

S

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
I was standing at a bar at an over 60s do minding my own business .
A big fat ugly woman grabbed my ass and said " You are cute have you a phone phone number ?"
I said "yes have you a pen".
She said "yes I have a pen "
So I replied "you better get back in it before the farmer misses you ".


I went to the chemist and asked the woman "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please. "
She replied "Do you need a paper bag with that" .
I said " "no she is not that bad looking" .


I was talking to a young woman in the over 60s last night .
She came out with "If you lost a few pounds , had a shave and got your haircut, You would look all right."
I replied " If I did that , I'd be chatting to your friends over their instead of you."


I was telling a woman in the club about my ability to Guess what day a woman she was born just by feeling her breasts .
"Really" she said , Go on then.. try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to loose patience and said , " Come on, what day was I born ?"
I said "Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today . The life guard shouted so loud I nearly fell in .


I went to our over 60s last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table .
I said , " Good legs."
She giggled and said , "Do you really think so ?"
I said, "Definitely! Most table would have collapsed by now ".
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/18 01:29 PM

Steve we help a chap about 90 year old lost his wife last year he calls in for a chat tea and cake etc and I loan him DVDs no not that kind . He leaves my jokes standing I have to gulp at some . But as he says he was a miner so they had a stunning gift for laughter they could be killed anytime hence laugh while you can . The jokes from him come in a pile or not at all . I sent a couple of DVDs to Keith at BHM CLEAN ONES wink trying to help him speak English like me. With a bit of luck heel be tarkin Geordie tither in nee time at arl. innocent
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/03/18 08:08 PM

With temperatures dropping sub zero last week, it was the first time I saw a socialist MP with his hands in his own pockets. hide
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/03/18 11:11 PM

Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/18 06:03 AM

rofl
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/18 03:51 PM

A man buys an Aero and is really beginning to enjoy it when he spots flashing lights behind him. So he shoots away and is up way past 100mph when he realizes what he is doing .
He slows down , then pulls over and soon the copper pulls up behind him .
He comes over to the window and asks "What were you thinking taking off like that?"
"Well", the man replies thinking about it for a bit . "A few years ago a patrol officer ran off with my wife".
"What does that have to do with anything".

"I thought you were bringing her back".
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/18 10:19 PM

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

The Welsh now have their own internet porn channel. Its called Ewetube.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/18 10:24 PM

laugh2
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/03/18 09:25 AM

Richard June went all soft when she saw the puppy , come to think of it so did I just wanted to pick it up and cuddle it . THE PUPPY NOT swmbo grin2
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/03/18 09:44 AM

Originally Posted By athelstan
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.


rofl
Genius!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/03/18 02:07 PM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
Richard June went all soft when she saw the puppy , come to think of it so did I just wanted to pick it up and cuddle it . THE PUPPY NOT swmbo grin2


It had much the same effect on Heather John laugh2..
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/03/18 12:09 PM

POSTMAN'S PATS LAST DAY .
It was postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather .
To the same villages and towns .
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there who hugged and congratulated him on his way with a cheque for 50/- quid .
At the second home they presented him an-18 carat gold watch .
The folks at the thirs house handed him a bottle of 15 year old Scotch Whisky .
At the fourth house he was met by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind . With the most passionate sex he had ever experienced . When they went downstairs, the Blonde fixed him a full English Breakfast: Bacon, eggs, sausage , black pudding, tomatoes, mushrooms, beans, hash browns, and fried bread . With freshly squeezed fresh orange juice . As she was pouring him a cup of fresh steaming coffee he noticed a quid coin on in his saucer. All this was just to wonderful for words . He said " but whats the quid for?". " well" said the dumb blonde " last night I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you". "I asked him what I should give you."
He said F**k him, give him a quid. She smiled shyly and said " the breakfast was my idea".
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/03/18 03:28 PM

CHURCH BULLETINS

The fasting and the prayer conference includes meals

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and any other items to be recycled . Proceeds will be used to cripple children .

The sermon this morning . Jesus walks on water .
The sermon tonight Searching for Jesus.

Ladies don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husband .

Don't let worry kill you off-let the church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again"
Giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .

For those of us who have children and don't know it.
We have a nursery downstairs

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in church .
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall .
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, The sermon topic will be
" What is Hell .
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed to the addition of several new members .
and deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donations in the envelope
Along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The Church will hold an evening of fine dining ,
Super entertainment and gracious hostility .

Pot-luck Supper Sunday at 5pm .
Prayer and medication to follow.

The Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They may have been seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.

Bring a blanket and be prepared to sin .

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The low self esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7pm
Please use the back door.

The eighth -graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday 7pm.

The congregation is invited to attend the tragedy.

Would the Gentlemen using toilet take note we are having problems with the wind.




Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/03/18 04:11 PM


The Welsh now have their own internet porn channel. Its called Ewetube. [/quote]

Most valleys towns have leisure centres....a sheep is tied to a lamppost in the town centre. innocent
One chap was caught using it out of hours.
He was a baaaaad boy and told he mutton do it again. nono
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/03/18 04:33 PM

He should take a tip of the jocks and start looking for Heather innocent
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/03/18 07:24 AM

smile
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/03/18 09:39 AM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
He should take a tip of the jocks and start looking for Heather innocent


Scottish sheep are VERY nervous. Scotsmen wear kilts and therefore there is no sound of a zip to alert them.....
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/03/18 10:30 AM

As I get older I realize

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud .

3. I don't need anger management I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment . Now its a mini vacation.

7.The day the world runs out of wine is just to terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes; come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller.

10. Getting lucky means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

To Hell with number 9 and 3 sizes smaller .
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/03/18 10:53 AM

Brilliant, it sums me up.....!

Peter
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/03/18 11:15 AM

And me
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/03/18 11:15 AM

swmbo Has just summed me up! on my desk is a plastic pencil sharpener in the shape of a heart . I picked it up and did a George Michael for her . "Last Christmas I gave you my heart" . She said " you are mad " and ran off . I was only being romantic wait till bedtime I will have a headache let her get out of that. grin2 innocent
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/03/18 05:00 PM

https://www.facebook.com/100010246698810/videos/604762759875275/
Posted By: tmg513

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 07:35 AM

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 09:00 AM



Awesome....no translation needed as enough words are clear!
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 09:05 AM

I understood it & boy is that nasty!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 10:03 AM


You should know German humour is very direct and lavatorial John as like me I think you worked out there for a while.

I'll bet he keeps the loos stocked up with rolls now !
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 11:19 AM

That's stopped me going to KFC . !
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 11:24 AM


Finger lickin good John !!

sick
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 12:02 PM

Richard, correct 3 1/2 year in Bavaria.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 02:49 PM

rofl

Love the aussie ball tampering kit. `

Bloody bonzer mate.
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 03:23 PM



So German... so very German.
Nearly wet myself laughing...perfect timing and totally unexpected.
(9 years in Wesel, NRW.)
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 03:40 PM


sick2 Our friends in Germany don't have a sence of Humour . I found it dark very dark but not dry or witty .



Originally Posted By +8Rich

Finger lickin good John !!

sick
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 04:12 PM

I found a great link in Facebook (say it quietly, I am still using it).

Let the French make it they said, what could go wrong.
Passport
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/03/18 04:53 PM


I am too - Shhhh

That's a good un laugh2
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/03/18 07:57 AM

Love the amazon one.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/04/18 08:20 AM

Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the sides of its ships?


- So that when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

getcoat
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/04/18 08:30 AM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the sides of its ships?


- So that when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

getcoat


Groan
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/04/18 11:31 AM

Is the rumour true?
They have F(i)ord engines in their ships.
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/18 02:35 AM

God said to John come forth and you shall inherit the world.

John came fifth and won a toaster.
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/18 08:32 AM

Ken Dodd has the last laugh

Originally Posted By From an Accountant’s Newsletter


The recent death of the comedian, Sir Ken Dodd, aged 90, would not usually be the topic of one of our weekly articles. However, the comedian managed to have one last laugh by marrying his partner of 40 years just days before his death. By doing this it is estimated his estate has avoided a tax bill of almost £2 million.

This last-minute marriage serves as a useful reminder that marital status continues to play a very important role in the inheritance tax liabilities of those affected. The inheritance tax rules allow for the transfer of assets to a surviving spouse or civil partner free of inheritance tax (subject to some limited exceptions).

In addition, the surviving spouse or civil partner receives the benefit of the nil rate band (currently £325,000) unused on the death of their partner. When the second person dies, their estate is allowed to utilise their own nil rate band plus the remaining proportion of the unused nil rate band from the death of the first partner. This in effect allows for the doubling of the nil rate band for married couples and civil partners.

Although Sir Ken and his partner did not have any children, there is also the new IHT main residence nil-rate band (RNRB) that came into effect on 6 April 2017. The RNRB will eventually allow for a £175,000 per person transferable allowance for married couples and civil partners when their main residence is passed down to children after their death.

This was not the first time that Sir Ken Dodd had made news with his tax exploits. In a Liverpool Crown Court case back in 1989, Sir Ken Dodd was charged with tax evasion. The trial, that lasted for three weeks, eventually saw Dodd acquitted of fraud charges, although he did pay taxes due. In the case, Dodd was represented by George Carman QC, who famously commented that 'some accountants are comedians, but comedians are never accountants'.
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/18 12:55 PM

Best to read aloud:




Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/18 01:07 PM

During my annual check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/04/18 03:49 AM

smile
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 05:44 PM

Hear about the chap who bought a Bonnie Tyler Satnav?
It keeps telling him to turn around...
Every now and then it falls apart....
He ended up lost in France.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 05:48 PM

Same chap went to his doctor.....
Doc, I keep wanting to sing “Green, green grass of home”
Doc....OK
Man...but then on the way here I changed to Delilah, is that normal?
Doc....it’s not unusual.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 05:54 PM

Same chap again...
He is an electrician so for a work van he bought a Voltswagon.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 05:59 PM

As an electrician he has current buns in his lunchbox....
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 08:14 PM

Watt's up with the electrician jokes ?
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 08:30 PM

They always make me want to go Ohm.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 08:32 PM

Irresistorble
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 08:57 PM

Ohm my God.

You have a capacity for dreadful puns.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 09:01 PM

It was all part of my inductance training.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 09:04 PM

The electrician got home from the pub just before midnight.

His Missus said "Why are you insulate?"

He replied "Watt's it to you. I'm Ohm aren't I ? "
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 09:27 PM

An RAF bomber plane was flying over Syria when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at Akrotiri he got a right b*ll*cking

- apparently they were Allied Carpets!
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/04/18 10:57 PM

A lot of bright Sparks on here tonight.
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/18 06:30 AM

Originally Posted By pandy
Ohm my God.

You have a capacity for dreadful puns.


At least it makes a change from all the fishy puns... smile
(I probably shouldn't have added that to the thread!) scared
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/18 06:56 AM

She was only a fishmongers daughter but she could lay on the slab & say fillet.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/18 08:16 AM

She was only the undertaker's daughter but anyone cadaver.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/18 08:20 AM

I know a ruder one about an Admiral daughter & Naval seamen but will refrain from posting it here.
Posted By: RedThree

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/18 08:41 AM

She was only the gas welder's daughter, but she had acetylene thighs...
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/18 08:47 AM

Originally Posted By John V6
I know a ruder one about an Admiral daughter & Naval seamen but will refrain from posting it here.


laugh I was thinking of that one too!

She was only the Stablehand's daughter, but all the horse manure.
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/18 08:50 AM

Originally Posted By pandy
Ohm my God.

You have a capacity for dreadful puns.


One of my siblings likes to dress in men's clothes. I have a tranny sister.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/18 10:47 AM

She was only the Sergeant's daughter but she knew what Reggie meant.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/18 09:57 PM

She was only the Publican's daughter, but she pulled the wrong knob and got stout.

(My mother-in-law's favourite)
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/04/18 06:11 PM

She was only yhe organist’s daughter
But she pulled out the stops to get a result.
Posted By: Clipper

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/04/18 07:45 AM

Source a Telegraph


Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/04/18 10:19 AM

Made me laugh this morning!!
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/04/18 12:58 AM

Originally Posted By Peter J
Made me laugh this morning!!


+1
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/04/18 06:33 PM

Made me laugh and then a little bit sick in my mouth.

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/04/18 07:19 PM

The perfect romance grin2
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/04/18 07:42 AM

A very well done poster!!
Makes Mrs May look rather attractive.......
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/04/18 08:21 AM

Now that is worrying Peter.
Great poster though.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/04/18 05:42 PM

Went to my mates for a coffee and chat. I was making the coffee. I went to the fridge and found two milk bottles. One full and the other empty.
I asked...why is there an empty milk bottle in there?
He replied....in case someone wants a black coffee. notworthy
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/04/18 05:44 PM

During our chat the same mate said he disliked Formula E.
Honestlywith him , it’s just whine, whine whine...
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/04/18 05:50 PM


Bought some aftershave today that smells of breadcrumbs.

The birds love it.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/04/18 05:50 PM

Yes....
I am bored......
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/04/18 07:31 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Yes....
I am bored......

Honestly, it doesn't show! laugh2
Posted By: Fox Terrier

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/04/18 04:59 PM

A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica whilst in the Bahamas it’s $2.50. In Trinidad it reaches an amazing £3.25.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/04/18 06:41 AM

Subject: - Bug Report – New Computer Software

Wife 1.0 Upgrade

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.

He is now only noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning child–processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other uses have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialisation where it can monitor all other system activity. He’s finding that some applications such as PokerNight10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run at all and crash the system when selected even though they had always worked fine before!

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherinLaw 55.8 and BrotherinLaw Beta release.

Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:-

* A “Don’t remind me again” button
* Minimise button
* An install shield that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with an option to uninstall at anytime without loss of cache and other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system hardware probe tool to be much more useful.

I personally decided to avoid all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even so I found some problems.

Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first.

Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over the shared use of the I/O port. You think they would they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

There is another problem. All versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

But here is a major WARNING......

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete ALL MSMoney files before doing an uninstall itself then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install claiming insufficient resources.

Be afraid, be very afraid...
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/05/18 08:14 AM

This notice is mounted above the Mens Toilet at the Aircraft Museum where I volunteer...



Very appropriate as the Museum is really a Day Center for old men with an obsessive interest in RAF Aircraft....
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/05/18 07:19 PM

Keeping a tank of tropical fish at home can have a marvellous calming effect on the brain.

Apparently it's all to do with the indoor fins.
Posted By: twotribes

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/05/18 09:02 PM

rofl
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/05/18 09:29 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Keeping a tank of tropical fish at home can have a marvellous calming effect on the brain.

Apparently it's all to do with the indoor fins.


Very good Tim laugh2..
Posted By: Richard - Aus

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/05/18 01:44 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
Originally Posted By Hamwich
Keeping a tank of tropical fish at home can have a marvellous calming effect on the brain.

Apparently it's all to do with the indoor fins.


Very good Tim laugh2..


+1
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/05/18 05:17 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
Originally Posted By Hamwich
Keeping a tank of tropical fish at home can have a marvellous calming effect on the brain.

Apparently it's all to do with the indoor fins.


Very good Tim laugh2..

Bet it won't calm the cat though? grin2
Posted By: Neilda

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/05/18 05:52 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Keeping a tank of tropical fish at home can have a marvellous calming effect on the brain.

Apparently it's all to do with the indoor fins.


I took my goldfish to the vet last week as I am convinced it has epilepsy.

The vet said it looked absolutely fine - I said 'hang on, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet'.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/05/18 07:09 PM

Originally Posted By Neilda

I took my goldfish to the vet last week as I am convinced it has epilepsy.

The vet said it looked absolutely fine - I said 'hang on, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet'.


rofl rofl rofl

Absolutely love it!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/05/18 08:14 PM

Originally Posted By Neilda


I took my goldfish to the vet last week as I am convinced it has epilepsy.

The vet said it looked absolutely fine - I said 'hang on, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet'.


Now I may be a bit twisted but that really had me rocking around with laughter laugh2 rofl..
Posted By: Budster

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/05/18 08:18 PM

Originally Posted By Neilda
Originally Posted By Hamwich
Keeping a tank of tropical fish at home can have a marvellous calming effect on the brain.

Apparently it's all to do with the indoor fins.


I took my goldfish to the vet last week as I am convinced it has epilepsy.

The vet said it looked absolutely fine - I said 'hang on, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet'.


Well done chaps. Both are brilliant.
thumbs laugh2
Posted By: bmgermany

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/05/18 09:52 PM

crazy2 party joy
Posted By: Clipper

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/05/18 02:11 PM

Charming boat name


Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/05/18 07:33 PM

Originally Posted By Clipper
Charming boat name




It looks like the guy or girl that owns it may run this company..

https://www.redbubble.com/people/newmodelandy/works/24682736-airy-dick
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/05/18 09:41 PM

When I was young I baked an apple tart and took it to Leeds, Reading and Liverpool. I misheard my maths teacher and thought she said, "Take pie to three dismal places."
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/05/18 09:44 PM

laugh2 laugh2 thumbs
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/05/18 10:00 PM

Originally Posted By athelstan
When I was young I baked an apple tart and took it to Leeds, Reading and Liverpool. I misheard my maths teacher and thought she said, "Take pie to three dismal places."


My sympathies.

I had a girlfriend who asked me to kiss her somewhere dirty......



........so I took her to Canvey Island.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/05/18 05:49 PM


I think we can all manage the translation on this one wink.

Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/05/18 11:53 AM

An old pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his flight suit and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/05/18 11:58 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

I think we can all manage the translation on this one wink.



Is she saying “watch out! those cracks in the road are just getting bigger” ?
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/05/18 01:35 PM

Originally Posted By Stewart S
Originally Posted By +8Rich

I think we can all manage the translation on this one wink.



Is she saying “watch out! those cracks in the road are just getting bigger” ?



Far funnier than "It's only a bicycle overtake it" laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/05/18 10:00 PM


Well this will start the week off well, apparently in a Ladies Gym in the 1940's - has to be in the USA.


https://www.facebook.com/FitnessFamousHouse/videos/552721148265868/
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/05/18 09:23 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

I think we can all manage the translation on this one wink.



Translation?
She has a lot of cheek...riding that far from the kerb.
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/05/18 09:34 AM

Shamelessly stolen from Fuzzbook.

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M42 near Birmingham recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/05/18 08:15 PM

I didn't see that coming.......
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/05/18 09:52 PM

Those crows must have been raven mad...
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/05/18 11:01 PM

Hard to swallow that story.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/05/18 09:04 AM

Originally Posted By DaveW
I didn't see that coming.......


Neither did the crows
Posted By: NeilL

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/05/18 09:05 AM

Very good - just made me chuckle!!
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/05/18 01:05 PM

Shamelessly stolen from Facebook

Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/05/18 01:27 PM

Originally Posted By Burgundymog
An old pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his flight suit and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.


Gosh, I'm a lesbian too....!!!
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/05/18 10:23 PM

And meee.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/05/18 10:47 PM

There's a lot of it about I think laugh2..
Posted By: N22MOG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/05/18 06:56 AM

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream and shouted . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/05/18 03:40 PM

Priceless!
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/05/18 03:42 PM

rofl
Posted By: bmgermany

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/05/18 09:50 PM

why did I buy a car with 360°cameras... party
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/05/18 10:09 PM

Originally Posted By bmgermany
why did I buy a car with 360°cameras... party


laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: Moggo

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/05/18 11:30 PM

Two essentials for a harmonious marriage:
1. GPS
2. Parking sensors
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/05/18 04:17 PM

A wise man once said: Young women are the horses old men use to ride to hell. hide
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/05/18 04:56 PM


Wise indeed Dirk and amazingly predictable - our Heir apparent is the only one I ever new that part exchanged to an older well worn one, it speaks volumes innocent.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/05/18 07:06 PM


Well I suspect we have all been there laugh2..


https://www.facebook.com/VTaardvark/videos/2057828651212425/
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/05/18 10:06 AM

Some friends meet after being apart for 10 years.
One or two have sadly passed and so one of the group brings a Ouija board.

They sit down and for 20 minutes nothing happens.
Then it moves to the letter W.
They argue if someone did it deliberately as one of the missing people was called William.
After a moment they give it another go and they see it move to the letter E.
Again they all look at each other to see if it is actually working.
Once again they continue and it moves.
The letter H
The letter A
The letter V
The letter E
The letter U
The letter P
The letter D
The letter A
The letter T
The letter E
The letter D
The letter T
The letter H
The letter E
The letter T
The letter E
The letter R
The letter M
The letter S
The letter O
The letter F
The letter O
The letter U
The letter R
The letter P
The letter R
The letter I
The letter V
The letter A
The letter C
The letter Y

Ta Da.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/05/18 11:28 AM

rofl
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/05/18 03:26 PM

Very good!! laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/06/18 12:03 AM


Warning it's a cheeky one to start the week off wink


https://www.facebook.com/Googsa/videos/10212693229864040/
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/06/18 02:04 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

Warning it's a cheeky one to start the week off wink


https://www.facebook.com/Googsa/videos/10212693229864040/

Yep, very cheeky... woohoo
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/06/18 11:11 AM

My mate has just been sacked for one indiscretion.
What a waste.....seven years in a medical school, few years of practical experience.
His indiscretion? He slept with a patient.
Ah well....a big loss to the veterinary world.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/06/18 11:13 AM

laugh2
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/06/18 11:15 AM

An old sailor was in Port and decided he wanted a prostitute. Off he went to an establishment, handed over his money.
After a few minutes he asked his chosen partner...
“How am I doing? How do you rate a sailor?”
“Three knots” she replied.
“What does that mean.” He asked.
She replied....
“You’re not hard....you’re not in....you’re not getting a refund”.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/06/18 11:19 AM

My ex vet mate just called.....
After a long search he got a job in a circus. A human cannonball.
He just got fired.
They’ll have a hard time finding a replacement with his calibre.
Posted By: Neilda

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/18 07:06 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
My ex vet mate just called.....
After a long search he got a job in a circus. A human cannonball.
He just got fired.
They’ll have a hard time finding a replacement with his calibre.


Was this the bloke who used to work on the dodgems? He was eventually sacked, but sued for funfair dismissal.




I'm here all week.
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/18 07:19 AM

Groan..... ooo
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/06/18 07:48 AM

Originally Posted By Neilda
Originally Posted By sospan
My ex vet mate just called.....
After a long search he got a job in a circus. A human cannonball.
He just got fired.
They’ll have a hard time finding a replacement with his calibre.


Was this the bloke who used to work on the dodgems? He was eventually sacked, but sued for funfair dismissal.




I'm here all week.



He waltzered off into the sunset?
Got a new job in another funfair and became a big wheel in the organisation.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/06/18 08:57 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
My ex vet mate just called.....
After a long search he got a job in a circus. A human cannonball.
He just got fired.
They’ll have a hard time finding a replacement with his calibre.


As Basil Brush would say, "Boom boom".
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/06/18 07:16 PM


Blonde one...

Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/06/18 12:46 PM

Thank you Richard. Priceless!
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/06/18 05:08 PM

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo! "

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"There is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
Posted By: bmgermany

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/06/18 05:26 PM

Bingo!


(As we say in in Germany in a situation like this!) rofl
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/06/18 07:14 PM

Marie from Limerick was heavily pregnant....due to give birth any day. She was out for the day but...it happened...
She phoned her mother
“Ma, I think me waters are broke! Help me!”
Ma replied... OK Marie I will get someone to you...where are you ringing from?”
Marie, in panic answered..”from me minge to me ankles!”


Excuse the terminology... smile
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/06/18 07:22 PM

Originally Posted By Peter J
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo! "

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"There is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"


clap clap Brilliant..
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/06/18 08:57 PM

Good one
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/06/18 10:12 PM


Fatboy happy at last..

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/06/18 10:17 PM

OOps !

Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/06/18 06:47 AM

I may well be deported for posting this but it is funny and self deprecating.
I hope our boys go well but against France at this level we will be up against it.

Go Australia

(Maybe we need a bit of sandpaper on the ball...)

Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/06/18 06:48 AM

rofl
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/06/18 07:12 AM

Originally Posted By Graham, G4FUJ
rofl


We are settling in for a big night of football. Some Antipodean pride on the line here.

In less than one hour, All Blacks V France in NZ followed by Australia V Ireland (round 2) in Sydney

And of course the World Cup Soccer Australia V France in Russia

When too much sport is never enough.....
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/06/18 08:23 AM

Can't stand the game - but each to their own.
I just thought team members' expressions fitted the "quote" grin2
Posted By: BertR

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/06/18 03:45 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

Blonde one...


That was not easy, outcome is -2 .981 and something. So try 2981 when you use the card when getting some nice upgrades for your Mog!
Bert
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/06/18 04:43 PM

Well done Bert cheers.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/06/18 10:44 PM


An older NZ advert that still makes me smile.

https://www.facebook.com/TalesFromNZ/videos/1638344459806666/
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/06/18 08:11 AM

And another joke involving a member of the Cloth......

A man who smelled like stale beer sat down on a bus next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes he turned to the priest. 'Tell me Father, what causes arthritis?'


'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being around cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. 'I'm sorry, my son. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

'I don't have arthritis, Father.
I was reading here that the Pope does.'
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/06/18 10:38 AM

Excellent
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/06/18 01:02 PM

Three nuns were driving home when their car broke down. A woman in a Rolls Royce stopped and gave them a lift.

The first nun said: "What a beautiful car you are driving."
The woman answered a bit shy: "My naked friends bought me that"

After a while the second nun said: "What a beautiful necklace you are wearing."
Again the woman answered: "My naked friends bought me that."

Then the third nun said: "What a beautiful fur coat you have."
And the woman answered: "My naked friends bought me that"

When they arrived at the convent the nuns said to each other before entering: "Next time the bishop will not get away with his bar of chocolat!"
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/06/18 02:11 PM

Love it..
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/06/18 04:59 PM

Taking Viagra won't turn you into James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore hide
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/06/18 06:11 PM

When living in London I taught my dog to play the trumpet.
I put him on the Tube.
He went from Barking to Tooting in no time at all
wine
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/06/18 06:22 PM

Biggest regret is marrying a seismologist.
She finds faults with everything
*************

Does winning the lottery change you?
It didn’t change me...as I told my shoelace cleaner.

**************
A music festival in the Southwest had to be cancelled.
Organisers couldn’t decide which act went on first....
The Jam or Cream
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/07/18 09:52 AM

When a ginger cat tries to use its coat as camouflage.

Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/07/18 12:46 PM

Excellent. It’s a catmeleon
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/07/18 01:21 PM


Close..

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/07/18 02:48 PM


From No1 Daughter last night …


Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/07/18 04:11 PM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/07/18 09:24 AM


Still in the experimental stages wink

Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/07/18 05:09 PM

I stopped for a hitchhiker last night. He was pleased, but a bit surprised I was prepared to give him a lift.

"Why did you pick me up?" He said. "I'm very grateful, but you've never met me. I could be a crazed serial killer for all you know".

"Oh, no" I replied. "The chance of there being two in the same car is astronomically small."
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/07/18 05:11 PM

grin2

Remind me not to accept a lift laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/07/18 09:27 PM


Trade descriptions !! These really were a sack of ----.

Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 07:07 AM

Amongst others there was one at Defford Air Day. And a Viva (the later slightly more rounded version)! smile
Friend of mine managed to park his Marina TC on top of a Cotswold stone wall one night.
Posted By: Jono

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 08:29 AM

If I remember rightly, the suspension was made of jelly. The gear box was a big long stick attached to a tin of golden syrup. The TC did have a raspy sound though. That was a short lived affair.
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 10:49 AM

They really were awful. IIRC they only came into being because BL bottled out of making the Maxi their sole effort in that size and diverted development funding to a quick re-work of the Minor 1000. Any one else seen that?

There was a Bugatti replica in the For Sale park at Silverstone on Sunday with a £49k price tag (or thereabouts). A quick look at the front end revealed Marina derived torsion bar front suspension.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 10:56 AM

That's interesting Paul I hadn't realised that was how it evolved, the thought of a Bugatti lookalike with a Marina front under pinings makes me shudder.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 11:19 AM

A friend of mine from Uni then girlfriend later his wife had one.
If you slammed the door it dropped a car shape outline of rust. A bit like how they mark up where the dead body was.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 11:22 AM

I have a clear picture of that in my mind now John laugh2.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 01:33 PM

My first car was a Bedford HA van, based on the original Vive. Repaired, resprayed on the road for £105.
Did 100k+ miles and sold for £80.
Jobs done...servicing, new front leaf spring (transverse), replaced gearbox/clutch.
Basic but cheap first “car”. Front drum brakes...scary!
Posted By: Fox Terrier

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 04:31 PM

I realise it will just be me but that coupe is a bit of a looker in my eyes.
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 05:03 PM

Gets coat...........
Posted By: Malcolm T

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 05:13 PM

Had an 1800 TC, and in terms of the cars I was driving at the time it was a good car. I thought that it looked good, it was very reliable and it went well. I admit that it was thirsty, in fact I sold it when I began to work in Manchester and needed something more economical to drive 3 miles to the station.

Replaced it with a Fiat 500
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 05:14 PM

Originally Posted By Fox Terrier
I realise it will just be me but that coupe is a bit of a looker in my eyes.


No, not just you....!!

If it had driven as well as it looks it would have been quite a car.

But all Marinas/Itals were, totally, hopeless to drive. At the same time as they were out I had an Alfa Sud 3door ti. Chalk and cheese...
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 05:23 PM

I can't say I think it's a looker but I do remember being amazed when my Dad traded in his four door one for the sporty coupe. I vaguely remember it had an mgb engine....is that right?
Not sure he liked it. After three marinas in a row he moved on to automatic golfs.
He didn't like driving.he just wanted a very reliable car. His first golf was a jetta.
Nick
Posted By: Stringers Best Mate

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 05:25 PM

I passed my test after practicing in a two door coupe..! Great wheels at the time. Looking at the advert again, how many makers advertise 'electric washers' & a flick wipe as a sales 'hook'..?
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 05:38 PM

IIRC the Marina/Ital were a cobble together. They had the suspension from the Morris Minor complete with positive camber scary moments. It had the same 1300/1800 engine as the old BL Landcrabs with the tepid ones getting dual SU's for additional noise and leaks? I had one go in a saloon and almost screamed as I went around my first roundabout with a little commitment. I was given a Maxi 1750TC which whilst not likely to win a rally was a lot better until the suspension escaped and deflation occurred!
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 05:46 PM

Originally Posted By nick w
I can't say I think it's a looker but I do remember being amazed when my Dad traded in his four door one for the sporty coupe. I vaguely remember it had an mgb engine....is that right?
Not sure he liked it. After three marinas in a row he moved on to automatic golfs.
He didn't like driving.he just wanted a very reliable car. His first golf was a jetta.
Nick


Yes the TC was basically an MGB engine.............
Posted By: IvorMog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 07:08 PM

My first reps car was a Marina 1300 2 door.

I jumped into that from my Escort 1300GT

No wonder the Marina never won the RAC Rally.
Posted By: MJF

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 08:39 PM

This was the era of peak car production in the UK. Probably not our finest hour for some of the product though.
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 10:04 PM

My first company car was a pooh-brown 4 door and it handled a lot better than the rusted-out MGB that I had been driving. It did have some tread on the tyres though. I thought the TC with vinyl roof and fog lights looked pretty good , but above my pay grade. I wonder why you don't get vinyl roofs any more.

Some months later I changed jobs and went to Richardsons to buy an MGB GT, and found my old MGB in their scrap yard. Anyone remember Richsrdsons, and their ads in Motorsport?
Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 10:05 PM

Originally Posted By Paul F
They really were awful. IIRC they only came into being because BL bottled out of making the Maxi their sole effort in that size and diverted development funding to a quick re-work of the Minor 1000. Any one else seen that?

There was a Bugatti replica in the For Sale park at Silverstone on Sunday with a £49k price tag (or thereabouts). A quick look at the front end revealed Marina derived torsion bar front suspension.


The "for sale Park"
I missed that...to busy talking to Morgan Directors and Morgan owners
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/07/18 10:24 PM

Originally Posted By Stuart Green
My first company car was a pooh-brown 4 door and it handled a lot better than the rusted-out MGB that I had been driving. It did have some tread on the tyres though. I thought the TC with vinyl roof and fog lights looked pretty good , but above my pay grade. I wonder why you don't get vinyl roofs any more.

Some months later I changed jobs and went to Richardsons to buy an MGB GT, and found my old MGB in their scrap yard. Anyone remember Richsrdsons, and their ads in Motorsport?


Yes I do......
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 05:07 PM


Anyone else found this page in their Morgan Owners Handbook I wonder laugh2

Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 05:29 PM

Well done Rich.

I know that there is comedy inherent in the Morris Marina, but it's a relief to see the thread back in business.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 05:43 PM

I’ve invented some dumbbells for ladies only that are made entirely of natural herbs.

Thyme Weights For No Man.
happy3
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 05:52 PM


Any truth in the rumour that MMC are looking to recruit a number of deaf Morgan agents to specialise in M3W's ?

They won't be able to hear the constant whining hide
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 05:52 PM

Heinz Ireland revealed that they only put 239 beans in a tin to be sold in Ireland.
The Irish Heinz boss said
One more and it would be two farty.
hide .
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 05:56 PM

We had a pet rabbit that caught it’s claws in the cage. The vet had to amputate a claw off each foot but managed to sew them back, albeit onto the wrong feet.
Rabbit survived the op but eventually dies of mixamatoesis.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 06:14 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

Any truth in the rumour that MMC are looking to recruit a number of deaf Morgan agents to specialise in M3W's ?

They won't be able to hear the constant whining hide


They could also man the complaints dept?
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 06:28 PM


And there is the irony - I have never heard so few complaints (relative to major faults) from a group of owners in my life, they love these machines with a missionary zeal as far as I can tell and for that camaraderie I applaud them all notworthy..


It also speaks volumes about the original concept (thanks Charles), sadly not so much about it's implementation.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 10:38 PM

A man broke into a confectioners and stole a large amount of stock.
A reward is available for information leading to his capture. The shopkeeper has put up wanted posters. The thief has a bounty on his head.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/07/18 11:03 PM

Reminds me of the break-in at the local chemist. Burglars cleared the place out, leaving only shampoo and condoms.

Police announced that they're looking for a bald Catholic.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/07/18 02:37 PM

laugh2

Maybe this one Giles grin2

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/08/18 10:00 PM


I know it's only Wednesday but you could be feeling like this already..

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/08/18 02:56 PM


ok a naked one for vegetarians rofl

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/08/18 06:04 PM


This'll clear up the Brexit conundrum once and for all wink

https://www.facebook.com/TheHookOfficial/videos/1665277620204356/
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/08/18 07:47 AM

Brilliant
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/08/18 03:20 PM

May not be PC but.....
Sinead O’Connor is rumoured to be singing at Barry Chuckles funeral....

Nothing compares to you....to me....to you.

hide
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/08/18 03:22 PM

Old MacDonald has been promoted on the farm.
Now CIEIO.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/08/18 03:34 PM

In Portsmouth a woman was so fed up with things she decided to throw herself into the sea. She went to the jetty but was spotted by a sailor...
Please don’t do that...I will smuggle you onto my ship, feed you, look after you until we dock in America where you can start a new life.Just let me make love to you every night.
She thinks a while then agrees.
He takes her to a lifeboat and hides her there, bringing food and having mad passionate sex for three nights.
On day 4 she is discovered and brought before the Captain.
She explained that the sailor would help her if he could screw her every night.
Captain replied....” he certainly did screw you...this is the Isle of Wight ferry “
Posted By: pandy

Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/08/18 02:12 PM

A couple of gags from this year's Edinburgh fringe (courtesy of The Guardian)

Jez Watts: I don’t know why, but for some reason all the cheeses in the dairy aisle have been named after porn search categories: Vintage, Natural, Hard, Semi-hard, Mature, Blue Vein, Goat.

Angela Barnes: When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn’t that bad.





Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/08/18 03:23 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
A couple of gags from this year's Edinburgh fringe (courtesy of The Guardian)

Jez Watts: I don’t know why, but for some reason all the cheeses in the dairy aisle have been named after porn search categories: Vintage, Natural, Hard, Semi-hard, Mature, Blue Vein, Goat.

Angela Barnes: When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn’t that bad.


rofl rofl
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/08/18 08:46 PM

+1 grin2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/08/18 08:50 PM

Good one Giles rofl..
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 10:38 AM

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal , particularly in woman . Chief among these is the Mercedes- Benz SL 500."

Lynn Lavner
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 10:41 AM

"It isn't premaritial sex if you have no intention of getting married"

George Burns .
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 10:43 AM

" Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a hole relationship."

Sharon Stone.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 10:46 AM

" Hockey is a sport for white men . Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed as white pimps."

Tiger Woods.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 10:53 AM

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a-son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson .
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 10:56 AM

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is"

Barbara Bush ( Former US First Lady)
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 10:59 AM

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 11:05 AM

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of women . They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 11:09 AM

A nice little selection there to start a Tuesday off the right way John laugh2

Favourite is Sharron Stone - I've seen it happen..
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 11:09 AM

"There's a new medical crisis . Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem.

Dustin Hoffman.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 11:14 AM

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin
Williams.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 11:17 AM

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 11:19 AM

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin.

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 11:23 AM

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle- aged women. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 11:25 AM

"Bigamy is having one wife too many . Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 03:34 PM

The worst thing about bigamy, is it means you have two mothers-in-law.

Still, here’s a wee limerick on the subject....

There once was an old man of Lyme.
Who married three wives at a time:
When asked, "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime."
Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/08/18 06:56 PM

Thank you guys, very nice ones yesterday and today. All of those you shouldn't forget, but I forget the best at first.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/08/18 07:29 PM


My pet budgie broke its leg so I made a little splint out of matches.
Should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.

exting
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/08/18 07:37 PM

Newsflash.
There has been a massive explosion at a cheese factory in France.
Reports say debris is everywhere.
surrender
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/08/18 10:09 PM



I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/08/18 10:10 PM


Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/08/18 10:12 PM


My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/08/18 10:13 PM


What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
-
Just the Rottweiler.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/08/18 10:14 PM


A box of condoms, please.

That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?

Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/08/18 10:18 PM


My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/08/18 10:47 PM

[i][/i]
Originally Posted By +8Rich

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

. Recycle it.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/08/18 10:49 PM

Originally Posted By Ray
[i][/i]
Originally Posted By +8Rich

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

. Recycle it.



Perfect solution laugh2
Posted By: Stringers Best Mate

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/18 02:01 PM

I see the lady from the UK who fell overboard from the cruise ship has just been named by Police as Eileen Dover..
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/18 02:16 PM

laugh2
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/18 02:28 PM

Flash sod's got himself a Lacoste motorbike.

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/18 02:29 PM

rofl
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/18 03:43 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
Flash sod's got himself a Lacoste motorbike.



That's Chuck Berry on his way to make himself a new guitar case.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/18 04:00 PM


From a Swedish friend..




The caption being a picture paints more than 1,000 words..;.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/18 04:36 PM

That bike may not be reliable....looks like an old croc to me.
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/18 04:56 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
Flash sod's got himself a Lacoste motorbike.



What do you get if you cross a man with a crocodile?
Looks like they are experimenting.....
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/08/18 09:41 PM

That photo reminds me...
I was hungry so stopped in the services.
I ordered.
“I would like a crocodile sandwich but am in a hurry so make it snappy!”
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/08/18 08:00 AM

Originally Posted By nick w
Originally Posted By pandy
Flash sod's got himself a Lacoste motorbike.



What do you get if you cross a man with a crocodile?
Looks like they are experimenting.....


....maybe it's his satellite alligator.
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/08/18 08:15 AM

Originally Posted By pandy
maybe it's his satellite alligator.


Maybe it's going to be his Ali Gator for his suspension.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/08/18 10:11 AM

He is a snappy dresser.
Could it be the original Gatorade?
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/08/18 09:28 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.


My younger brother, the one that spent a good part of his youth stoned, was stranded in outback Australia whilst hitchhiking from Somewhere to Nowhere. He was starting to get a bit hungry so decided to cut himself a kangaroo steak off a fresh roadkill. So he started hacking away and a voice behind him said "What do you're doin'". A bit embarrassed he started to explain he was hungry. "Well" said the tramps "that's obvious, but take my tip; there's another roo over there that a couple of days old and nicely aged." My brother reckoned that the old guy probably knew a thing or two and decided to take his advice.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/08/18 09:36 PM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
Originally Posted By +8Rich

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.


My younger brother, the one that spent a good part of his youth stoned, was stranded in outback Australia whilst hitchhiking from Somewhere to Nowhere. He was starting to get a bit hungry so decided to cut himself a kangaroo steak off a fresh roadkill. So he started hacking away and a voice behind him said "What do you're doin'". A bit embarrassed he started to explain he was hungry. "Well" said the tramps "that's obvious, but take my tip; there's another roo over there that a couple of days old and nicely aged." My brother reckoned that the old guy probably knew a thing or two and decided to take his advice.


Good story Peter I'm partial to roo steaks Lidl sell them here and they are nice and tender on the BBQ, not too keen on the croc steaks though..

Where my Son lives down Cornwall enroute to work is a fast road by Newquay airport and he has rich pickings of pheasants there.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/08/18 06:27 PM

Teacher: why did you laugh.?
Boy: I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you for a week.
Another boy laughs...
Teacher: why did you laugh?
Boy: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you for a month.
She bends down to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out...
Teacher: Johnny why are you leaving.?
Johnny: with what I just saw I think my school days are over.
***************
Doctor Doctor I've got five penises!
How do your trousers fit?
Like a glove.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/08/18 06:34 PM

A cannibal got home from work and found his wife chopping up a python and a 3' 6" man.

"What's for dinner ?" he asked

"It's your favourite" she replied" snake and pygmy pie"
***************
Two cannibals having dinner.

"Your wife makes great soup" said one

"Yes, she does" said the other "but I am really going to miss her"
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/08/18 09:03 AM

My Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought Henry was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.



My Diary:

Morgans got a strange rattle
Posted By: bmgermany

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/08/18 09:15 AM

rofl
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/08/18 09:20 AM

While driving the Roadster, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Morgan, I guess."
Posted By: Budster

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/08/18 11:16 AM

rofl rofl
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/08/18 11:23 AM

rofl laugh2 speakno
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/08/18 12:24 PM

Well someone had to wait with the car until the recovery arrived!
laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/08/18 09:00 PM


Sometimes you just can't please anyone in the States..

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/09/18 09:15 PM


From a friend of mine that runs a horse rescue centre, she currently has around 40 so knows the subject well.


Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/09/18 11:12 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

From a friend of mine that runs a horse rescue centre, she currently has around 40 so knows the subject well.




Ouch.

When we go to our vets, we can often point to something new there and reckon to have paid a substantial proportion of the cost. We are lucky though - at our vets most of the profligacy is on new kit for the surgery or operating theatre - some of which they have used to help our horses. The partners ride round in modest Volvos that are never bought new.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/09/18 11:17 AM

Paul, she sent it very tongue in cheek due to the nature of her business they are very fair with her. She has planted over the years many natural remedial plants on the borders of the fields which helps a lot.

Her partner is a hoof expert and all the horses have their shoes removed and their hooves treated - once they recover from the years of abuse they never need to wear them again. I had never heard of it and the results are amazing.
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/09/18 11:20 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
Paul, she sent it very tongue in cheek due to the nature of her business they are very fair with her. She has planted over the years many natural remedial plants on the borders of the fields which helps a lot.


I guessed as much Richard - this one is a running joke amongst horse owners.

Apart from our 2, as a trustee I get to see the spend of Redwings Horse Sanctuary (1500 equines) and the vetinary spend is colossal even with their own team of vets.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/09/18 10:09 PM


Capstone Hill Tour of Britain bike turned into penis.





https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-devon-45414022
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/09/18 05:14 PM

The new Eddie Stobart film is due soon.
I have seen lots of trailers already.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/09/18 05:17 PM

I hired an Eastern European cleaner last week, it took her 8hrs to vacuum the house.
She was a Slovak!
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/09/18 05:19 PM

In a Kilt shop in Edinburgh, the door opened and in walked the typical American tourist

'Say buddy' i want a family kilt made

'Certainly sir and what is your name?

'Pirelli'

'Oh dear' said the assistant after checking the tartan book, 'There is no such tartan'
'
'I am willing to pay good money to go home in a Pirelli tartan kilt', fetch the manager'

The manager came and carefully listened to his insistence there was a PIrelli tartan

'I must agree with my assistant, 'There is no such Tartan'

I am willing to pay 5000 pounds for a kilt

'Oh in that case sir, we can arrange something, Miss Toner Get the bolt of McIntyre tartan out and start measuring this gentleman'

'But Mr Wallace.......'
'
Now now my girl, it will do, Everyone knows Pirelli have been McIntyres for years'
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/09/18 10:08 PM

rofl
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/09/18 05:53 PM

Marina Wheeler has been announced as the Weight Watchers slimmer of the year after dumping 220lbs of useless fat in one week.

(She is Ms Boris Johnson for those not up on current affairs, literally)
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/09/18 06:06 PM

I just heard that my Grief Counsellor has died.

Fortunately he was good at his job so I'm not bothered...
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/09/18 10:47 PM

Barbie has just turned 59

Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/09/18 08:26 PM

I went to look at a house with period features.

She hates it when I call her that.
Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/09/18 08:39 PM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
Barbie has just turned 59



She is exactly my age, I see some parallels scared or hopefully not actually.

The way Barbie ages, she looks a little like Divine.

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/09/18 08:42 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
Marina Wheeler has been announced as the Weight Watchers slimmer of the year after dumping 220lbs of useless fat in one week.

(She is Ms Boris Johnson for those not up on current affairs, literally)


rofl rofl PMSL
Posted By: TTC

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/09/18 11:03 PM

Critical Path Analysis

I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK. "

AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in
influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date .
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/09/18 11:21 AM

I hope they never find life on another planet .
Because sure as hell our government will start sending
money to them .
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/09/18 11:24 AM

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today.
Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout,
"Hi Jack!"
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/09/18 01:07 PM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: PeterG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/09/18 06:53 PM

Dear Neighbour

Hi, George, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.

The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently & I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: George, feeling enraged & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.


2nd TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, George, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out & noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Posted By: Neilda

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/09/18 10:38 AM

The young couple who have moved in near to me have made a sex tape. Obviously they don't know that yet.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/09/18 11:18 AM

laugh2 laugh2 Very good..
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/09/18 03:23 PM


Ensure when you visit Scotland the wind is high otherwise this is what's in store laugh2


Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/09/18 08:16 AM

Very good. It seems my Scottish is improving. laugh2 laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/09/18 02:18 PM

One for the born again innocent

Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/09/18 03:10 PM

Looks like I need to buy another motorcycle grin2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/09/18 03:14 PM

Me too - a friend of mine sent me it as he has just bought himself the latest bells and whistles Ducati and it's lovely but reactions at my age are nowhere near quick enough for these machines. He's 35 so just the right amount of experience without losing too much reaction time.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/09/18 03:55 PM

Me too!
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/09/18 05:42 PM

Out of curiosity:
What's the damage if you can't see any number?

(BTW I have the need to buy another motorcycle too)

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/09/18 05:45 PM

Originally Posted By DirkM

What's the damage is you can't see any number?


I think you need to buy six motorcycles Dirk, well that or you are pretty ill and spending lots of time in the toilet..and howling at the moon for the lycanthropy..


Perhaps you could get your good lady to carry out the test as well Dirk grin2
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/09/18 07:25 AM

laugh2

Very good Rich.

I must say, N°7 looks like a pain in the arse, and N°13 a pain in the neck.
Posted By: IvorMog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/09/18 08:17 AM

I couldn't see a number in the motorcycle circle so I asked SWMBO to take a look. She tells me it has no number but 2 small words instead.
"NO WAY"
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/09/18 09:53 AM

Originally Posted By IvorMog
I couldn't see a number in the motorcycle circle so I asked SWMBO to take a look. She tells me it has no number but 2 small words instead.
"NO WAY"



Same here!

No, seriously.
20 years ago I had an accident with my motorcycle and I had a lucky escape.
Yesterday evening we saw an accident and it didn't look good for the motorcyclist.
I 'm happy with the Morgan now.
Posted By: bmgermany

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/09/18 07:51 PM

I am Red Green blind (translated Word by Word from german) so another Joke I can not understand! pantsdown

But I think I have anough motor cycels!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/09/18 08:00 PM

Originally Posted By bmgermany
I am Red Green blind (translated Word by Word from german) so another Joke I can not understand! pantsdown

But I think I have anough motor cycels!


Sorry bm I'll translate the colours for you.

Top left has a green 7 in the circle
Top middle has a red 13
Top right has an orange 16
Bottom left has a red 8
Bottom middle has no concealed number
Bottom right has an orange 9
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/09/18 02:43 PM


A bit early but..

Trade your Politicians for immigrants - the Swedish perspective as received from a Swedish Morganeer wink

Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/09/18 09:41 PM

Mrs Neptune has always been a bit adventurous in the bedroom.
The other day she appeared in a nurses uniform and asked if I wanted to play.
Not being one to deny a lady I agreed, sadly she took it all a bit a seriously.
She left me waiting in the hall for 6 hours.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/09/18 11:38 PM


The caption to this one was - Damn I forget to bring my glasses..

https://www.facebook.com/picq.horticole/videos/1734163656646739/
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/09/18 07:17 AM

Originally Posted By Neptune
She left me waiting in the hall for 6 hours.

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/09/18 12:50 PM

The new Fiesta ad promotes it's 'pothole detecting suspension'.

I've got that.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/09/18 03:16 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Mrs Neptune has always been a bit adventurous in the bedroom.
The other day she appeared in a nurses uniform and asked if I wanted to play.
Not being one to deny a lady I agreed, sadly she took it all a bit a seriously.
She left me waiting in the hall for 6 hours.


swmbo is a nurse.
From experience bevery nervous......
Good points.....
Not needed to go to A&E or doc to have stitches out.
Bad point....she decided to take a blood sample to save going to doc.
05.00and sat on the bed for her to suck my blood out. Couldn’t find a vein. Changed arms.
“There it is!”
Was it hell.....she missed and hit a nerve with the bloodsucking device It certainly woke me up for commute to work! scared my arm ached for a fortnight. She did manage to find the vein at next attempt though.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/09/18 06:36 PM

The inventor of the hard boiled egg wrapped in sausage meat has died.

RIP. Scott Chegg
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/09/18 10:14 AM

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I am still a virgin.

What? said the groom. How can that be if you've been married ten times?

Well husband no 1. was a sales rep he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband no 2. was in software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband no 3. was from Field Service; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband no 4. was in Telemarketing ; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when to deliver.

Husband no 5. was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research , implement, and design a new state of the art method .

Husband no 6. was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure if it was his job or not.

Husband no 7. was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband no 8. was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband no 9. was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband no 10. was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God I miss him !!!!!!

"But now I've met you, I'm really excited!" "But why ?"

" You are a lawyer. This time I KNOW I'M GOING TO GET SCREWED!.

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/09/18 10:19 AM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/09/18 01:09 PM

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST.


I was a very happy man.
my wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married .
There was only one little thing bothering me .... It was her beautiful younger sister, my prospective sister in law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts and was generally bra-less .
She would regularly bend down when near me and I always got a more than a nice view . It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations . She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome . She told me that she wanted me just once before I get married and committed my life to her sister , well I was in total shock and couldn't say a word . She said I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last fling , just come up and get me . I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs . I stood there for a moment . Then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door and headed towards the my car. Lo... and behold my future family was standing outside all with tears in there eyes . My future father in law put down his gun and hugged me and said " we are very happy that you have passed our little test we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter welcome to our family".










THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/09/18 01:29 PM

Very good John..
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/09/18 02:28 PM

My aunt once removed married an Italian prisoner of war. They live in Reggio de Calabria.

I guess 30 years ago their daughter Anna was pregnant by her boyfriend. How he got past the chaperones etc I don't know.

Anyway her brother told me her date asked his friend who was in the local Cosa Nostra & nicknamed the Axeman to talk to the boyfriend. They were married right away.

So whilst it made me laugh it did remind me of the family!
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/09/18 08:11 AM

One for dog owners

Two dogs are laying down doing nothing in particular
Dog one says, “hey I heard a great joke”
Dog two, “go on then”
Dog one “knock, knock,
Dog two, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/09/18 08:23 AM

I told that joke to my dogs.
They said I was barking mad.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/09/18 09:24 AM

I was sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers.

"You spoil those dogs", said my wife.
Posted By: A11OGE

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/09/18 09:30 AM

roflroflrofl

ps JTL good to see your back with us.

Steve


Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST.


I was a very happy man.
my wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married .
There was only one little thing bothering me .... It was her beautiful younger sister, my prospective sister in law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts and was generally bra-less .
She would regularly bend down when near me and I always got a more than a nice view . It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations . She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome . She told me that she wanted me just once before I get married and committed my life to her sister , well I was in total shock and couldn't say a word . She said I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last fling , just come up and get me . I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs . I stood there for a moment . Then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door and headed towards the my car. Lo... and behold my future family was standing outside all with tears in there eyes . My future father in law put down his gun and hugged me and said " we are very happy that you have passed our little test we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter welcome to our family".










THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/09/18 10:14 AM

Not certain I like Nike but the jokes a good un.

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/09/18 10:31 AM

Originally Posted By Neptune
One for dog owners

Two dogs are laying down doing nothing in particular
Dog one says, “hey I heard a great joke”
Dog two, “go on then”
Dog one “knock, knock,
Dog two, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof


laugh2

Took me a good 30 seconds to get it
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 10:11 AM

Children in the back of cars cause accidents
But accidents in the back seat of a car cause children .

My wife had her drivers test the other day .
She got 8 out of 10.
The other 2 blokes jumped clear.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 10:56 AM


After an investigation by New York authorities lasting almost 30 years, police arrested Billy Joel and several of his band tonight in association with a fire started in 1989. Mr Joel has always denied the claims.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 10:57 AM

My wife left a note on the fridge, it said -

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore. I am going home to my mum"

I opened the fridge, the light came on.

The beer was cold.

What the hell is she on about.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 11:07 AM

rofl

Both of these are crackers!
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 04:13 PM

Here’s Billy’s plea of innocence....
https://youtu.be/eFTLKWw542g
Skip the ad....
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 06:13 PM


How do you milk sheep?




Bring out a new iPhone!!!
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 07:09 PM

Baaaaaaa
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 08:24 PM

Humbug?
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 08:46 PM

I am an iSheep, Baaaaa notworthy
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 09:37 PM

Or one of the new "allowable" Scrabble words is Sheeple wink
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 09:38 PM

I bet contrarian isn't allowed.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 09:42 PM

What makes you think that as it's in my OED which is the real Scrabble players bible at 1706 pages long innocent

d= A person who opposes or rejects popular opinion, especially in stock exchange dealing.. Somehow I can't see you in those wide red braces Dave..
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/09/18 10:05 PM

I've never been a fan of braces....

Or anything popular for that matter........
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/09/18 03:39 PM

Originally Posted By DaveW
I've never been a fan of braces....

Or anything popular for that matter........


That's rich coming from the man who made Neoprene popular laugh2
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/09/18 08:21 PM

It wasn't popular when I started using it.....
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/09/18 08:39 PM


I didn't think you were born in 1952 when the first wet suit was made innocent
https://www.seventhwave.co.nz/wetsuits101/Neoprene+Info/Neoprene+a+brief+history.html

History. Neoprene was invented by DuPont scientists on April 17, 1930 after Dr Elmer K. Bolton of DuPont attended a lecture by Fr Julius Arthur Nieuwland, a professor of chemistry at the University of Notre Dame.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/09/18 09:51 PM

Ah! That explains the hump in the back of the first wetsuit I had....
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/09/18 10:03 PM

Do you walk with a limp too...
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/09/18 01:48 PM

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


scroll down


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!


Oh quit whining I fell for it, too
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/09/18 01:53 PM

Very good laugh2
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/09/18 05:45 PM

Originally Posted By DaveW
It wasn't popular when I started using it.....


My point exactly Dave rofl
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/09/18 11:40 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
Do you walk with a limp too...


Nothing is limp.......
Wetsuit came with all the bells but no whistles.
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/09/18 07:48 PM

What happens if you f*rt in a wetsuit?

Sorry to lower the tone........
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/09/18 08:47 PM

It makes it difficult to dive !

I have it on very good authority that the quickest way to get warmed up is to pee in it once on grin2
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/09/18 10:28 PM

Originally Posted By DaveW
What happens if you f*rt in a wetsuit?

Sorry to lower the tone........


Nothing, but do one in a dry suit watch your chums disappear when you unzip it.
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/09/18 10:30 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
It makes it difficult to dive !

I have it on very good authority that the quickest way to get warmed up is to pee in it once on grin2


A myth I’m afraid. All it does is make your wetsuit stink
It is one of the reasons I never use a rental wet suit.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/09/18 11:35 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Originally Posted By +8Rich
It makes it difficult to dive !

I have it on very good authority that the quickest way to get warmed up is to pee in it once on grin2


A myth I’m afraid. All it does is make your wetsuit stink
It is one of the reasons I never use a rental wet suit.


I'm rather pleased to hear that - I think laugh2
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/09/18 03:38 PM

My body

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the very worst of it:
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/09/18 03:43 PM

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/09/18 07:12 PM

I have just got a new pet newt. I have named him Tiny
He is my newt.
hide
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 08:53 AM

Chas and Dave's new non-PC record - You Can't Top Stalking.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 09:03 AM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD FARTS YES EVERYONE OF YOU .

We are 2018 today
Today the whole world is the same age !
Today is a very special day it happens only once every 1000 years

Your age+ your year of birth every person is 2018 .

Its so strange that even the Chinese and foreign experts can't
explain it .

You figure it out and see if its 2018 its a 1000 year wait for your next one .


OK I know there are a few in TM that look older.
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 09:12 AM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad

Its so strange that even the Chinese and foreign experts can't
explain it .


Well, only if you exclude anyone who understands basic addition smile

(it happens every year, by the way)
Posted By: Sir Percival

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 09:14 AM

Sorry Jack, I am 63 and was born in 1954 which if I am correct adds up to 2017. My Mother always said I was odd!

Sir Percival
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 09:18 AM

Originally Posted By Sir Percival
Sorry Jack, I am 63 and was born in 1954 which if I am correct adds up to 2017. My Mother always said I was odd!

Sir Percival


yes, but I bet you haven't had your birthday yet this year...
Posted By: Sir Percival

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 09:33 AM

Quite correct Sir, but Jack did say “Today”

Sir P
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 11:56 AM

I just copied the e-mail sent to me .To busy working on mog to bother to check .







Originally Posted By Hamwich
Originally Posted By Jack The Lad

Its so strange that even the Chinese and foreign experts can't
explain it .


Well, only if you exclude anyone who understands basic addition smile

(it happens every year, by the way)
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 12:11 PM

I have had my birthday and it does match to 2018.

The good lady wife has not had hers and has pointed out that it is no where near to 2018 thank you.

(we may have been born in the same year but I cannot confirm this and dare not mention it)
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 07:14 PM


I just opened the kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head.
Thankfully I'm alright though. Only some superfishoil injuries.
getcoat
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 07:31 PM

Originally Posted By sospan

I just opened the kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head.
Thankfully I'm alright though. Only some superfishoil injuries.
getcoat


rofl
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/10/18 07:52 PM

A weasel walks into a bar. The barman said
“Wow! I’ve never had a weasel in here before! What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.

———————-
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/18 01:01 AM


No wonder then.....

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/18 01:04 AM


He never forgives, he was a great character I loved the series and the music.


Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/18 01:38 AM


Oops...

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/18 01:42 AM


I'm not sure why but I think Alistair needs this as his avatar innocent


Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/18 07:59 AM

Wish her a 21st Happy birthday for me . hide innocent


Originally Posted By Alistair
I have had my birthday and it does match to 2018.

The good lady wife has not had hers and has pointed out that it is no where near to 2018
thank you.

(we may have been born in the same year but I cannot confirm this and dare not mention it)
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/18 10:40 AM

Has someone been spying on me?

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/18 01:59 PM


A little unfortunate when the new livery for Thomas Cooks holidays door opened.


Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/10/18 02:31 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
Has someone been spying on me?



No honest - I just followed the white cat one day and it whispered to me your plan for world domination thumbs
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/10/18 10:16 PM

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/10/18 05:15 PM

They told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.

I've had the last laugh though. So far, I’ve made three jugs and a vase....
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/10/18 10:33 AM

What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand ??
ANSWER:

Kermit's undivided attention!


What do men and a tile have in common?

If you lay them right the first time
You can walk all over them the rest of your life !

one for the Ladies
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/10/18 01:12 PM

As seen today in Trimley St Martin.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/10/18 03:39 PM

Mixed messages laugh2
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/10/18 06:11 PM

Just spent £300 on a limo and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/10/18 06:15 PM

I like that one laugh2
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/10/18 05:51 AM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Just spent £300 on a limo and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.


rofl
Shamelessly stolen for Facebook
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/10/18 08:06 AM

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said:

"Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/10/18 08:52 AM

Very good laugh2
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/10/18 09:05 AM

Me : I want to divorce my wife.
Lawyer : On what grounds?
Me : She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.
Lawyer : Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?
Me : No, she's looking for me.
Posted By: Ian Wegg

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/10/18 03:44 PM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand ??

Kermit's undivided attention!


I remember that joke from the 1980's when it was hockey balls and the Irish Prime Minister.
Posted By: Robbie

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/18 09:03 AM

Ian - its the Irish womens hockey team that got to the world finals so that would have been a difficult one!
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/18 09:19 AM

Scottish women’s team would have blue balls in hand.
It can get cold in the Trossachs....
Posted By: twotribes

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/18 09:41 AM

Originally Posted By Robbie
Ian - its the Irish womens hockey team that got to the world finals so that would have been a difficult one!


And there was me thinking it was a simple joke on 'Haughey' ???
Posted By: Robbie

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/18 09:58 AM

Haughey only had a Judge's wife in hand------most of the time!!!
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/18 10:21 AM

I went to a presentation about renewable woodlands in Wales.
The main speaker was
Dai a Log.
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/10/18 07:57 PM

Two characters from "The Wind in the Willows" were having a pint together. The beer was excellent, so one character turns round to his mate and says "Good jar, Ratty".
Posted By: pheasant

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/10/18 09:14 AM

And the barman says "Sorry we don't serve Tachyons here"
-
-
-
-
-
-
A Tachyon walks into a bar !


However there is a dark side to this one, I know its probably a bit challenging to some but I put it on a certain social media site the other day (arsebook), and it was removed for 'racist content' !!!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/10/18 05:15 PM


Someone will buy it..

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/10/18 10:05 AM

TRUMPKIN

Orange on the outside .
Hollow on the inside.
and should be thrown out in November.
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/10/18 01:50 PM

Stolen from FB.

Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/10/18 02:10 PM

Trust you to Spring that one on us.
Posted By: Clipper

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/10/18 08:13 PM

Pretty sure the Druids were on BST

(I know they weren't frickin druids who built em)
Posted By: Tim W

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/10/18 10:13 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
Stolen from FB.




Isn’t that Avebury?
Good joke tho’.

Tim
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/10/18 10:35 PM

Now you mention it......I think it is.....
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/10/18 10:50 PM

Okay you need to get out more! notworthy
Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/10/18 01:58 AM

Beware

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

And Congratulations you have learnt German within minutes...
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/10/18 09:00 AM

Dean. I don't mind, a mate from N/umberland who had a +8 had a tile missing . It was a few years ago and we went to the Friday evening start up for the Yorkshire mog do . Sat outside a pub chatting to an English chap who married a German girl , but could not get a word in for my mate . So I chatted her up in German asked if she fancied a walk , her husband rofl and my mate gob smacked shut him up for the night . Not bad going for a shy lad hide
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/10/18 03:34 PM

It's not for nothing that you're called Jack the lad..... winky
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/10/18 03:59 PM

I can’t think of anything I like about Switzerland but the flags a big plus
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/10/18 04:01 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
I can’t think of anything I like about Switzerland but the flags a big plus


Brilliant, you're not Danish are you grin2
Posted By: Stringers Best Mate

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/10/18 04:01 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
I can’t think of anything I like about Switzerland but the flags a big plus


rofl
Posted By: Oakvillian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/11/18 02:31 PM

What does a house wear to a party?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Address
getcoat
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/11/18 05:15 PM

While on the subject of houses......
One of the players in the team I played for was nicknamed “Bungalow”. Second row.
Nothing upstairs.......
Despite his lack of grey cells he was a shot firer in a local coal mine and came top of his class in training.
Scary! scared
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/11/18 06:03 PM

Giles is that a complement what you see and read is nothing like me . thumbs



Originally Posted By pandy
It's not for nothing that you're called Jack the lad..... winky
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/11/18 10:28 PM


No messing with the Aussies then.....

Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/11/18 11:17 PM

Sadly, according to my Aussie friends, contrary to the stereotypical view, Australia has become one of the the most politically correct states in the world.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/11/18 11:21 PM


That does surprise me I have always got on well with them because they speak their mind and certainly not very pc the one's I've met over the years. Like UK it's all getting dumbed down a bit and reduced to the lowest common denominator it's the only thing these socialists understand... Incoming hide
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/11/18 05:33 AM

In Australia alcohol is much more expensive than in Austria!
We eat a lot of pork meat here, not only bacon.
True gentlemen treat a woman like a woman.

But the world is changing...

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/11/18 09:34 AM

Dad was with the Australians during the war . He only had respect for them.


Great soldiers fearless
Great drinkers
Great swearing
would not have a bad word said about them
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/11/18 06:48 PM

Christmas present ideas

Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/11/18 11:03 PM

Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/11/18 11:29 PM

Time for a non PC snd slightly sexist joke...

A blonde woman was speeding down the highway in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked in it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go, I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/11/18 05:19 AM

Originally Posted By Peter J
Time for a non PC snd slightly sexist joke...

A blonde woman was speeding down the highway in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked in it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go, I didn’t realize you were a cop.”



Class 😎
Posted By: Fox Terrier

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/11/18 08:15 AM

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
Posted By: Georgetoad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/11/18 01:09 AM

Heard on the radio today.
An advertisement for Arizona State University on line campus.
"For information text school to 12345, that's S.C.H.O.O.L to 12345"
If applicants can't spell school what chance do they have with the rest of the curriculum?
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/11/18 07:21 AM

Because everyone including Molesworth knows it should be "skool".
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/11/18 08:52 AM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Because everyone including Molesworth knows it should be "skool".

I think you mean “as any fule knos” it shood be spelled skool.
God that was hard work typing that, spell check was certain Nigel Molesworth was rong
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/11/18 10:56 AM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Because everyone including Molesworth knows it should be "skool".

I think you mean “as any fule knos” it shood be spelled skool.
God that was hard work typing that, spell check was certain Nigel Molesworth was rong


By Gum! That brings back memories.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/11/18 03:52 PM

As it’s that time of year.....

A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough to feed her family.

She asked the stock boy, "do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "no ma'am, they're dead."
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/11/18 03:59 PM

What do you call a fat psychic?


A four chin teller.
hide
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/11/18 04:08 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Because everyone including Molesworth knows it should be "skool".

I think you mean “as any fule knos” it shood be spelled skool.
God that was hard work typing that, spell check was certain Nigel Molesworth was rong


chiz chiz chiz chiz. Moan drone tremble tremble.... Wot is the pleasure of it eh i would like to kno.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/11/18 07:25 PM


Thinking about Grand children and their Christmas gifts I just spotted this, may be of interest for you flat six boys and girls..

Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/11/18 08:49 PM

Thought the bagpipes were boring, watch this.
Love the ACDC references....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wAVVEfXO9k
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/11/18 09:04 PM


In Germany they use to call the bagpipes the "Doodlesack" which seemed very appropriate to me wink

No offence meant to our Caledonian friends.
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/11/18 09:26 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

In Germany they use to call the bagpipes the "Doodlesack" which seemed very appropriate to me wink

No offence meant to our Caledonian friends.


Personally, I love the bagpipes.
Nothing quite so stirring as massed pipes and drums....
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/11/18 09:32 PM


We attended one of these 4 years ago and it was very special in the Royal Albert Hall. Neighbour is an ex RM Bandmaster.

Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/11/18 11:04 PM

Fantastic......
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/11/18 02:43 PM



[img:center]lo by morgan1ste, on Flickr[/img] Familiar...
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/11/18 10:58 PM

Chromosomes, a beginner's guide:

XY = Male
XX = Female
YYY = Delilah
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/11/18 07:30 AM

laugh2

I bet that one goes down a storm in Wales.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/11/18 08:29 AM

Couple of years ago some people tried to ban it!
They claimed it encouraged knife crime.
I believe Dafydd Iwan ( a Welsh folk singer and activist was one).
I doubt if they would ban “Kiss” by Sir Tom....but then, it might encourage sexual harassment so perhaps it could be.
crazy3
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/11/18 08:31 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

Thinking about Grand children and their Christmas gifts I just spotted this, may be of interest for you flat six boys and girls..



HmmmmmCould be on the list for future Trad cars? innocent
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/11/18 09:37 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
Couple of years ago some people tried to ban it!
They claimed it encouraged knife crime.
I believe Dafydd Iwan ( a Welsh folk singer and activist was one).
I doubt if they would ban “Kiss” by Sir Tom....but then, it might encourage sexual harassment so perhaps it could be.
crazy3


When our younger daughter was about 7, she and her best friend particularly liked singing Sex Bomb.

Did we try a get it banned ? No, we cried with laughter. The thought of the two of them in the back of the car belting out the song (along with Sir Tom on the CD player) still makes me smile.
Posted By: Clipper

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/11/18 04:10 PM

Sorry about the language, but thought it was worth it.

Posted By: ewn

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/11/18 04:47 PM

I don’t like swearing, but that’s class!
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/11/18 09:08 AM

on a vaguely automotive theme.....

When your girlfriend thinks she can sing, by the Windup Merchantz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9Kebq5WXJE
Posted By: Stringers Best Mate

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/11/18 01:18 PM

Brilliant..! Good for her..
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/11/18 04:44 PM

I love some of her mangled song lyrics - "Dyslexics on fire" and "sweet dreams are made of cheese".

Reminds me of that Peter Kay sketch with "just let me staple the vicar" and so on.
Posted By: David_E

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/11/18 10:38 PM

Why might you mistake a plinth for plant spores?







Because it's like a podium.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/11/18 10:58 PM

About thyme we had some plant jokes.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/11/18 08:57 PM

A man was staying a hotel.
The Spanish Inn.
One night he felt ill so phoned reception. They said they would send a doctor as there was one on hand.
Two minutes later a knock on the door. Man opened and outside was the hotel doctor.
Man said...”my word, what service. Very surprising though. I didn’t expect such a quick call”.
“Ah! Said the Dr. Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician”.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/11/18 09:01 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
A man was staying a hotel.
The Spanish Inn.
One night he felt ill so phoned reception. They said they would send a doctor as there was one on hand.
Two minutes later a knock on the door. Man opened and outside was the hotel doctor.
Man said...”my word, what service. Very surprising though. I didn’t expect such a quick call”.
“Ah! Said the Dr. Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician”.


laugh2

It’s a cracker
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/11/18 09:49 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
About thyme we had some plant jokes.


Rose’s are red
Violet’s are blue

Violet didn’t have a vest on.
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/11/18 09:53 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
About thyme we had some plant jokes.

Keep Led Zeppelin out of this.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/11/18 11:58 AM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By pandy
About thyme we had some plant jokes.

Keep Led Zeppelin out of this.


I don’t think we’re on the same Page here.
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/11/18 04:28 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
I don’t think we’re on the same Page here.

C U Jimmy!
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/11/18 10:26 PM

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/11/18 10:27 PM

All this bonhamie is very enjoyable
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/11/18 10:28 PM


Just had my water bill of £175 arrive. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/11/18 03:25 PM

For that price Oxfam might be just taking the p*ss. !!!.



Originally Posted By athelstan

Just had my water bill of £175 arrive. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/11/18 09:35 AM



A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewellery store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know, said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/11/18 12:23 PM

If a man all alone in the middle of a forest speaks and his wife cannot hear him is he still wrong?
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/11/18 12:28 PM

Why do bees stay in their hives in winter?

Swarm
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/11/18 12:54 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Why do bees stay in their hives in winter?

Swarm


rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: TTC

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/18 02:43 PM

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small BerettaPistol



A good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in 'The Villages' with my soon to be ex-husband,

discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive."

"If I had not had my little Beretta .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today!"

"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.

The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!"
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/18 02:49 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
If a man all alone in the middle of a forest speaks and his wife cannot hear him is he still wrong?


Top one
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/11/18 05:38 PM

What do you call a camel with four humps?










A Saudi Quattro
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/18 12:56 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
What do you call a camel with four humps?











A Saudi Quattro






I'd like one. But I can't A4'd it.
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/11/18 01:28 AM

Originally Posted By pandy
Originally Posted By sospan
What do you call a camel with four humps?


A Saudi Quattro


I'd like one. But I can't A4'd it.

👍
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/11/18 07:26 PM


From a Swedish friend -no arguing with this...


Posted By: CooperMan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/11/18 04:13 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

From a Swedish friend -no arguing with this...




Brilliant !
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/11/18 04:07 PM

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I do remember that shop."


He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/11/18 04:39 PM

Excellent laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/12/18 06:34 PM


One from Petra in Germany laugh2

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/12/18 07:17 PM

OK....another quiet night so brace yourselves....


Attitudes towards cosmetic surgery have changed greatly over the years. These days if you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

.................................

Husband pinches his wife's breasts and says "If we firm these up, we can get rid of your bra".

Wife grabs his penis and says "If we firm this up, we can get rid of the milkman!"

..............................

I phoned up my fruit machine manufacturer.

I said, "My fruit machine isn't working".

The lady said, "Can you hold?"

I said, "No, it won't even let me nudge.

..............................

What do you call a bloke who always sits next to a door?

Mat.


What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off. scared


What do you call a piebald camel ?




Camelflaged
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/12/18 07:32 PM

Geography for beginners
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CS1cUIxBVg
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/12/18 09:51 AM

"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/12/18 10:00 AM

Originally Posted By Neptune
"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."


rofl

Shamelessly stolen for Facebook
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/12/18 10:52 AM

Originally Posted By Neptune
"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."


rofl rofl

Love it!
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/12/18 03:28 PM


Originally Posted By Neptune
"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."


laugh2

Laughing so much my stomach muscles are Tensing hide
Posted By: RedThree

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/12/18 07:34 PM

Originally Posted By sospan

Originally Posted By Neptune
"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."


laugh2

Laughing so much my stomach muscles are Tensing hide

and Edmund found it Hillary-ous hide
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 12:32 AM

Originally Posted By RedThree
Originally Posted By sospan

Originally Posted By Neptune
"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."


laugh2

Laughing so much my stomach muscles are Tensing hide

and Edmund found it Hillary-ous hide
. We're climbing to new heights now.
Posted By: ewn

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 06:33 AM

Originally Posted By Ray
Originally Posted By RedThree
Originally Posted By sospan

Originally Posted By Neptune
"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."


laugh2

Laughing so much my stomach muscles are Tensing hide

and Edmund found it Hillary-ous hide
. We're climbing to new heights now.



This joke peaked early, it’s been going downhill since. laugh2
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 08:01 AM

It's piste me off all these puns.
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 11:13 AM

This thread will Neverest. innocent
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 01:46 PM

It could well carry on....could make some money.
Want Tibet on it?
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 02:33 PM

Sherpan your knives, you'll need them for the ice.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 02:55 PM

It's snow fun being avalanched by these puns. Budhist good to reply.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 04:19 PM

What's the difference between a golfer and a mountaineer ?

The golfer goes "Whack..........dermot!!"

The mountaineer goes "dermot !!!!................whack"
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 04:40 PM

The Dermot expletive is spreading, like manure on a ploughed field.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 05:18 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
What's the difference between a golfer and a mountaineer ?

The golfer goes "Whack..........dermot!!"

The mountaineer goes "dermot !!!!................whack"

Since I live near a group of mountains were there are rescues or, in the worst case, recovery of bodies almost every week I have to say I find that disturbingly in bad taste. I am not normally upset by a bit of black humour but I would guess almost everyone in this town knew someone who has died in the mountains. In fact I was nearly witness to a Morgan owning friend having a serious incident but fortunately he managed to arrest his slide after a couple of metres and I was able to help him back up onto the trail.
A big fright for both of us but no serious consequences.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/12/18 06:00 PM

Originally Posted By DaveW
The Dermot expletive is spreading, like manure on a ploughed field.


I played a couple of Dermots during this morning’s golf.
swear

Haven’t played Army golf in ages though.......

Left.....right......left......right.
nono
Posted By: N22MOG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/12/18 08:47 AM

• You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing

• You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising

• You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing

• You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations

• You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition

• You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep

• Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support

• You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Facebook

• You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's Donald Trump

• You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America !
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/12/18 10:19 AM

Very good apart from Trump being handsome.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/12/18 03:24 PM

Brilliant
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/12/18 12:59 PM

An Englishman (who voted for Brexit) has sent this link to our English friends (who weren't allowed to vote because they live for 20+ years in Belgium)

video:youtube]https://youtu.be/mVy7faNKEtM[/video]
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/12/18 01:01 PM

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/12/18 03:00 PM

laugh2 laugh2 They must have guessed what would happen to the area I see they have their muskets stood at the ready wink
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/12/18 04:05 PM

Bit bendy for muskets.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/12/18 04:09 PM

He has a squint in one eye grin2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/12/18 10:06 PM


Ha ha laugh2

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 12:04 AM

laugh2

Top one
Posted By: BertR

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 10:48 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich

Ha ha laugh2



Great! Both my daughter and my wife regonised the situation, I think I will ask them to clean the Morgan, as where I will need an hour one of them get it done in les than 10 minutes. Means more driving time for me, plus they got rid of me for another 50 min, sounds a win-win... any one tried this succesfully? Keen to know, as I am a bit hesitant to introduce the concept to them.
Cheers,
Bertr
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 11:11 AM

You're brave Bert, no I wouldn't dare suggest this I'd never recover viking

One wife two daughters one daughter in law and two grand daughters I know when I'm beat laugh2
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 12:29 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
You're brave Bert, no I wouldn't dare suggest this I'd never recover viking

One wife two daughters one daughter in law and two grand daughters I know when I'm beat laugh2


I too recognise when some brilliant ideas are best left alone!
Posted By: lowebird

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 03:07 PM

Originally Posted By DirkM
An Englishman (who voted for Brexit) has sent this link to our English friends (who weren't allowed to vote because they live for 20+ years in Belgium)

video:youtube]https://youtu.be/mVy7faNKEtM[/video]


Simply brilliant and it has had getting on for 750K views on utube
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 03:31 PM

Originally Posted By BertR
Originally Posted By +8Rich

Ha ha laugh2



Great! Both my daughter and my wife regonised the situation, I think I will ask them to clean the Morgan, as where I will need an hour one of them get it done in les than 10 minutes. Means more driving time for me, plus they got rid of me for another 50 min, sounds a win-win... any one tried this succesfully? Keen to know, as I am a bit hesitant to introduce the concept to them.
Cheers,
Bertr


I think if I suggested that I might loose the crown jewels. I know when not to get involved.
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 04:54 PM

Originally Posted By DirkM
An Englishman (who voted for Brexit) has sent this link to our English friends (who weren't allowed to vote because they live for 20+ years in Belgium)

video:youtube]https://youtu.be/mVy7faNKEtM[/video]

Nae comment.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 09:38 PM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By DirkM
An Englishman (who voted for Brexit) has sent this link to our English friends (who weren't allowed to vote because they live for 20+ years in Belgium)

video:youtube]https://youtu.be/mVy7faNKEtM[/video]

Nae comment.



Just for you Bob by way of recompense : https://www.facebook.com/BraemarMedia/videos/1834318700207291/
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 10:33 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By DirkM
An Englishman (who voted for Brexit) has sent this link to our English friends (who weren't allowed to vote because they live for 20+ years in Belgium)

video:youtube]https://youtu.be/mVy7faNKEtM[/video]

Nae comment.



Just for you Bob by way of recompense : https://www.facebook.com/BraemarMedia/videos/1834318700207291/

Smashing. My favourite is "The Dark Isle", I tend to leak from the wind in my eyes when that's played.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 10:42 PM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By +8Rich
Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By DirkM
An Englishman (who voted for Brexit) has sent this link to our English friends (who weren't allowed to vote because they live for 20+ years in Belgium)

video:youtube]https://youtu.be/mVy7faNKEtM[/video]

Nae comment.



Just for you Bob by way of recompense : https://www.facebook.com/BraemarMedia/videos/1834318700207291/

Smashing. My favourite is "The Dark Isle", I tend to leak from the wind in my eyes when that's played.


Thanks I didn't know that one at all it's beautiful. Get the tissues out I feel a breeze coming..

Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 10:50 PM

If you want the full Monty, try this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBYVmnMFMtA
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 11:02 PM

Splendid Bob, and great to see the Royal Irish Regiment in the mix too.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/12/18 11:21 PM


Non PC but I think we are through that phase now innocent

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/12/18 08:10 PM

The truth will out.

Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/12/18 09:03 PM

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/12/18 09:39 PM

Very good! Maybe the operating instructions made the girl more relaxed.
Posted By: DaveW

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/12/18 09:41 PM

Very good!!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/18 02:00 PM


One I got from JTL - it's about right too laugh2

A Commentary
Hi everyone,

A friend sent me the
following:

*It Snowed Last
Night*

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I
didn't make a snow woman.

.8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow
woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women
everywhere..

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit
and moaned it should have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..woman...person asked why I
didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained
about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow
figures with.
.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow
couple is white.

8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the
snow woman wear a burqa.
.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the
broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted
women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened
me with eviction..

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I
know the difference between snowmen and snow-women. I replied
"Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

.9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble
during difficult weather.
.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children
were taken by social services.

.9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched
down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

*Moral?*

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have
become.
All the best for Christmas
and the New Year.
Posted By: lowebird

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/18 03:20 PM

Hell fire Rich, that is so silly it could be true!!
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/18 03:24 PM

Fake news?
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/18 03:40 PM

Originally Posted By lowebird
Hell fire Rich, that is so silly it could be true!!


Yes I'm not sure where John got this from but ……..
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/18 03:42 PM

Originally Posted By John V6
Fake news?



Yes I'd hazard a guess this came from USA originally.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/18 07:53 PM

Jethro went to see his doctor.

Dr: "What's the problem, Jethro?"
Jethro:" "I've got this serious hereditary problem, Doctor."
Dr: "And what are the symptoms? "
J: "I've got this terrible diarrhoea."
Dr. "That's not a hereditary condition, Jethro."

J. " Well, Doctor, its in me jeans."
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/12/18 08:49 PM

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/12/18 11:41 AM

Richard ,
I got it off that 90 year old ex coal miner who we keep an eye on . Miners have a great sense of humour no PC up here . I had just spent a good while typing out a load of Christmas jokes for the bent minded ie mog owners . Flicked back and spotted you got this off JTL never read beneath that and thought you must have popped in on TM . instantly cleared it off . Only to look back and see it was not the latest jokes . Its a Monday Anyway had a hard day y/day swmbo took me shopping the sly tinker changed places to go and it was a dump nothing for me . On returning I shot my cash in the machine to get under the Tyne Tunnel and it refused to lift the bar up so we could get away . Cars pilling up behind me . I kept pressing the button but not a reply . I started to hit the machine and said to the bloke in his box get off your fat lazy arse and sort it out the cars are pilling up . Funny a message came over he was refunding my cash as 50p short . I popped it back in and away we went as 1.70p had been in from start . Wonder where all the 50ps end up .





Originally Posted By +8Rich
Originally Posted By lowebird
Hell fire Rich, that is so silly it could be true!!


Yes I'm not sure where John got this from but ……..
Posted By: David_E

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/12/18 12:54 PM

I treated myself to the official Morgan dash cam. It fits nicely in the 4/4 but you lose the passenger seat to the bloke that cranks the handle.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/12/18 11:01 AM


From a lady German acquaintance laugh2

Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/12/18 08:49 AM

My sex toy business has done very poorly in the run up to Christmas. If things don't improve I'm going to have to pull the plug.
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/12/18 09:18 AM

The Three Kings of Orient weren't married:

In the Bible they are referred to as Three Wise Men! hide


Variation on the theme:

We four Beatles of Orient are
John in a taxi, Paul in a car
George on a scooter
playing the hooter
following Ringo Starr


Happy New Year to you all!

_________________________
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/12/18 11:50 AM

I've just been talking to the driver of our local vicar who lost his licence through ill health. We got onto the subject of car insurance. He said that he had an unusual contract for third party, fire and brimstone.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/12/18 08:20 PM

Just been quoted £2k to insure a DeLorean.
Seems expensive as I only intend to drive it from time to time...
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/12/18 11:14 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Just been quoted £2k to insure a DeLorean.
Seems expensive as I only intend to drive it from time to time...
. Phil, one of your best. wine
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/12/18 07:33 AM

Nice one Phil! thumbs laugh2
Posted By: DirkM

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/12/18 07:16 PM

Originally Posted By Graham, G4FUJ
Nice one Phil! thumbs laugh2


+1 rofl
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/01/19 06:04 PM

Well I have just been shopping with swmbo yes she drags me around a huge S/market in and out of every bit . So my mind wanders off as I am looking at stuff . Out of the corner of my eye walks a stunning bit of crumpet . Dressed in all black tight black jean's and leather boot reaching from her feet to near her ( now now ) . As swmbo leads me from row to row , I keep passing his girl in black her long black silky hair down her back . Again off to another row. Only this time she is leaning over the cabinet trying to reach for something in a chiller her shirt had slipped up and you could see a large tattoo on her back waist high and it went downwards . I turned away and looked at the stock in the freezer and there in front of me was a huge advert "EXTRA TASTY" by hell it was innocent . I had to shoot away fast . Wonder when swmbo wants to go shopping again.

ps. Thats the 1st s/market add that's told the truth.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/01/19 11:00 PM

I'm afraid that for me the tat would have been a turn off. I can't stand them and I really hate to see a pretty girl who has defaced herself with a tattoo nono
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/19 06:29 AM

Just a word of warning to a few of you who I have exchanged emails with over the last few years

My email account has been hacked so if any of you receive an email from me regarding tinned meat, don’t open it

It’s Spam
Posted By: N22MOG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/19 06:41 AM

rofl rofl
Excellent Stewart thumbs
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/19 08:56 AM

Peter when swmbo DRAGS me threw a s/market looking at tins, bottles, boxes, etc etc etc anything will distract me . Come to think of it about time Tesco etc started selling cars then our swmbo can spend as much time as they wish while we do the same in the car area. thumbs




LOOKING AT ANYTHING
Originally Posted By Gambalunga
I'm afraid that for me the tat would have been a turn off. I can't stand them and I really hate to see a pretty girl who has defaced herself with a tattoo nono
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/19 09:03 AM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
Peter when swmbo DRAGS me threw a s/market

Sorted. When Jess goes shopping, she knows I hate it, so I drop her off outside and she pootles around the store on her electric wheelchair. I read my Kindle in the car until she is ready at the cashout.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/01/19 10:57 AM

Bob you have got it easy . swmbo informed me this m/ing when I woke up I had screamed in my sleep about 2am and woke her up. Can only be 1 of 2 things . Someone has touched the Mog in a nightmare or I have lost a 10 bob note out of my wallet . Must go and look .
Shopping swmbo and swmboJnr have been planing behind my back PHEW THANK GOD. swmboJnr gets married this year and they shot away at the crack of dawn to look for shoes etc . A full day going into every shop and they say I am crazy. They are like 2 kids at Christmas . Bet you a pint they will say ," wish we had got the other ones . ( That's there excuse for another trip. ) innocent




Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
Peter when swmbo DRAGS me threw a s/market

Sorted. When Jess goes shopping, she knows I hate it, so I drop her off outside and she pootles around the store on her electric wheelchair. I read my Kindle in the car until she is ready at the cashout.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/01/19 09:57 PM

NOT FOR WOMEN AND THE NARROW MINDED




Joe wanted to buy a motorbike , he doesn't have much luck, until one day, He comes across a Harley with a "For Sale" on it.

The bike looks better than a new one although it is 10 years old .

Its shiny and in mint condition .

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 year.

Well its quite simple says the seller, whenever the bike is outside and its gonna rain , rub Vaseline on the chrome it protects it from the rain and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline .


That night , his girl friend , Sandra, invites him to meet her parents . Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house Sandra stops him and says. "I have to tell you something about my family .
When we eat we don't talk . In fact the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes . "No problem" He says.... and in they go.
Joe is shocked .
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes . In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes , on the stairs they are put both sides and in the corridor . Everywhere he looks dirty dishes .


They sit down to Dinner and sure enough , no one say's a word . Joe decides to take advantage of the situation .
He leans over and kisses Sandra
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts nobody says a word .
So he stands up grabs her rips her clothes off , throws her on the table and has stunning sex right in front of her parents . His girl friend is a little flustered , her dad is obviously livid . He sits back down . But no one says a word.
He looks at the mother . She has a great body too . Joe grabs bends her over the table pulls down her knickers and and gives her the best sex in her life on the table . She has a huge orgasm and Joe sits down
His girlfriend is furious , her dad is boiling and mum is beaming from ear to ear . But still silence .
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain .
Joe remembers his bike , so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket . Suddenly the Father shouts .
@ I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES".
Posted By: ewn

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/01/19 10:43 PM

Okay, it turns out my mind isn’t as narrow as I thought, that was funny. laugh2
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/01/19 12:46 AM

That was sent to me by a 90 year old chap we keep an eye on . Once a miner so humour played a big part they could be killed anytime . My mates dad was .


Originally Posted By ewn
Okay, it turns out my mind isn’t as narrow as I thought, that was funny. laugh2
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/01/19 03:02 PM

A bloke goes to the dentist and says:
"I keep feeling like a moth."
The dentist replies:
"That sounds like a mental health problem. I'm a dentist."
The bloke says:
"I know you're a dentist."
The dentists says:
"Well why did you come in here then?"
The bloke replies:
"The light was on."
Posted By: Neilda

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/01/19 03:04 PM

Chap walks into the library:

"Have you got that book 'How To Live With A Small Penis?"

"It isn't in yet"

"Yes, that's the one".
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/01/19 04:05 PM

Ken Dodd: I haven't spoken to my mother in law for 18 months,.........well, I don't like to interrupt.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/01/19 05:52 PM

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/01/19 06:09 PM


Seen regularly a round Torquay.


Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/01/19 06:34 PM

Originally Posted By pandy


Funny! against some nonsense only humor helps if they want us all to know that green is no longer a colour.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/01/19 07:58 PM

Same as black?
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/01/19 09:31 AM

Would you believe it? I had my bloody neighbour hammering on my door at 2:30 this morning.

Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/01/19 11:10 AM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Would you believe it? I had my bloody neighbour hammering on my door at 2:30 this morning.

Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.


Never heard it described like that before..... innocent laugh2
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/01/19 01:34 PM

The definition of a Gentleman; someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but chooses not to. hide
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/01/19 02:25 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
The definition of a Gentleman; someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but chooses not to. hide


laugh2

When I was a kid and living in Scotland I had a few lessons on the chanter in Music lessons at School

So one Christmas about 10 years ago we were invited to a New Years party with friends for a Scottish themed evening and I thought it would be a hoot to buy a set of bag pipes and get a tune out of it on the evening

Bought a cheap set and disappointingly couldn’t get a proper note out of it despite a day trying

All I could get out of it was a rather short tuneless drone with about 2 notes before it collapsed

Put it away in the loft thinking it was just a cheap good for nothing set and not my technique that was in anyway to blame

Until

A friend of Rachel’s was seeing a new man and they came round to dinner 2 years ago

It came up conversation that he could play the bagpipes

I got the set out after dinner and even though we had lots a wine, to our amazement he immediately got the most fantastic tunes out of it

It was one of the best and most memorable dinner parties we have ever had

Hearing the bagpipes played at full belt in your own house by someone good is quite a thing

No wonder it was an instrument for the battle grounds
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/01/19 03:18 PM

One of my Pa's favorite Naval stories concerns his time in Hong Kong in the early 60s.

Admiral Sir David Gregory, the Flag Officer at the time, being a Jock had a piper attached to his staff. Said piper would march around the table at mess dinners, playing a few Scottish airs.

On the occasion of a visit to Hong Kong of the US Fleet, David Gregory turned to the American Admiral and enquired if he had any requests for the piper. "Oh Gee" he replied "I'd just love to hear him play my l'il ol' Kentucky home". The piper muttered into Gregory's ear that he didnae ken it, and was told to just play any old pibroch.

After a few minutes of playing a mournful dirge, the piper ended his tune with a flourish. Silence. Only broken by the American admiral saying "very nice, but it didn't sound much like the version of my l'il ol' Kentucky home I know".
Posted By: Neilda

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/01/19 04:31 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Would you believe it? I had my bloody neighbour hammering on my door at 2:30 this morning.

Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.


The young couple who have moved in next door have made a sex tape.

Obviously they don't this yet.
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/01/19 04:41 PM

Talking of neighbors, I think my neighbor is having an affair with my wife.

He seems so bloody miserable lately.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/01/19 11:05 PM

Take a bow laugh2
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/19 09:41 PM

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/19 09:44 PM

So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for my dog.
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food?
Being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/19 11:05 PM

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/01/19 11:08 PM

rofl rofl
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/19 07:30 AM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
rofl rofl

+1 rofl
Posted By: bmgermany

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/01/19 09:18 PM

+2 rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/01/19 08:44 AM

+3
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/01/19 12:33 PM

+4
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/01/19 12:51 PM

An English teacher in Glasgow was in class and was saying that you can make a positive out of two negatives. Such as "I don't not know that". He also said that you can never make a negative out of two positives.

Small voice from the back of the class "Aye, Right".
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/01/19 05:29 PM

An advertising exec, an accountant, and a Morgan owner were at the bar discussing the relative values and enjoyment of mistresses and wives.

The advertising exec decided, 'I would much rather have my mistress! It is always exciting and a little bit naughty and different.'

The accountant said, 'I much prefer my wife. I like the stability and certainty.'

The Morgan owner said, 'I like to have both. That way, my wife can think I'm with my mistress, my mistress can think I'm with my wife, and I can get back to the garage to get some work done on the car.'
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/01/19 06:10 PM

rofl
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/01/19 06:36 PM

Archeologists have found a new tomb in Egypt.
Upon opening the sarcophagus they found traces of nuts and chocolate on the mummy.
They think they may have found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/01/19 04:32 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Archeologists have found a new tomb in Egypt.
Upon opening the sarcophagus they found traces of nuts and chocolate on the mummy.
They think they may have found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.


getcoat
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/19 07:11 AM

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/19 03:05 PM

How about sticking a breeze block in his mouth .
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/19 03:27 PM

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/19 05:40 PM

Crikey that took me a while

Brain isn’t in gear
Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/19 06:00 PM

Do you mean the wonderpanty?
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/19 06:14 PM

Originally Posted By Paul F

ZZTop
Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/19 06:20 PM

never saw him with a SG.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/19 09:35 PM

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/01/19 09:38 PM

laugh2
Posted By: Mark Turner

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/19 08:29 AM

Originally Posted By Stewart S
Crikey that took me a while

Brain isn’t in gear


Presumably because you saw two zebra rather than properly identifying the one of the left as a zee bra as our American friends would have it. Something was lost in the lack of translation.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/19 04:00 PM

I thought I had seen him somewhere else.....
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 20/01/19 04:05 PM

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produce photos of their 30-foot motor home,which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin, and computing skills," they’re told.

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?"

"Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits into the cannon...
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/01/19 09:03 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich


The Duke of Hazard, coming to a screen near you...


Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/01/19 09:36 PM

Very good Gary laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/01/19 09:38 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produce photos of their 30-foot motor home,which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin, and computing skills," they’re told.

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?"

"Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits into the cannon...


rofl

That’s a cracker Ian
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/01/19 07:33 AM

Originally Posted By sospan
I thought I had seen him somewhere else.....


That is a slur on Wilfred Bramble. For one he has better teeth.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/01/19 10:54 AM

Wilfred probably had a better choice of lover too.....
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/01/19 06:01 PM

Careful Phil Fiona got in hot water over her crazy2
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/01/19 07:50 PM

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/01/19 07:52 PM

Ahem......
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/01/19 08:11 PM

If only the world had a broad enough sense of acceptance and humour - that would make a brilliant landing page for Google one day.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/01/19 08:24 PM

Yes...I fear if they used it now in PC days it would be a big boob...
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/01/19 06:45 AM

Their company would go t***s up.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/01/19 09:25 AM

Alistair its not Google ! I found it very one sided! its OGLE. innocent
Originally Posted By Alistair
If only the world had a broad enough sense of acceptance and humour - that would make a brilliant landing page for Google one day.
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/01/19 10:34 AM

Hmmmmm....

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/01/19 11:43 AM

laugh2

Happy Australia Day Gary cheers.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/01/19 03:52 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
laugh2

Happy Australia Day Gary cheers.


Happy Australia day to all of our Aussie friends. cheers
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/01/19 03:56 PM

Originally Posted By pandy

Happy Australia day to all of our Aussie friends. cheers


+1

Skippy arrived with my refugee parcel from Melbourne yesterday grin2
Thanks to Lyle!
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/01/19 05:18 PM

Enjoyed my haggis last night.
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/01/19 06:01 PM

Electric Car Joke anyone. Very professionally done.

https://www.facebook.com/kit.maharajh.5/videos/392672331299051/
Posted By: HeadlessBlue

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/01/19 06:03 PM

+1👍
HB
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/01/19 06:11 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
Electric Car Joke anyone. Very professionally done.

https://www.facebook.com/kit.maharajh.5/videos/392672331299051/



Excellent I just love that eject facility laugh2
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 26/01/19 06:16 PM

Given that the Tesla Model X "90" is powered by 7104 cells they are not far off.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/01/19 05:45 PM


Accident avoidance - got sent this this afternoon by a friend and I thought what a great idea as I watched expectantly on the edge of my seat …

Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/01/19 09:07 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
laugh2

Happy Australia Day Gary cheers.


Thanks Richard
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/01/19 09:09 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
Originally Posted By +8Rich
laugh2

Happy Australia Day Gary cheers.


Happy Australia day to all of our Aussie friends. cheers



Thank you Pandy
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 27/01/19 09:12 PM

Originally Posted By Graham, G4FUJ
Originally Posted By pandy

Happy Australia day to all of our Aussie friends. cheers


+1

Skippy arrived with my refugee parcel from Melbourne yesterday grin2
Thanks to Lyle!


Thanks Graham and regards to Lyle.

Took the Morgan and the Delorean to a car display at a vineyard near Port Macquarie. 170K round trip in 39 degree heat - never again.....
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/01/19 07:52 AM

Originally Posted By OZ 4/4
Took the Morgan and the Delorean to a car display at a vineyard near Port Macquarie. 170K round trip in 39 degree heat - never again.....

Spent some of the best years of my life in that region. I was old enough to know better and young enough not to care innocent

My mother bought some acres and we built a house out from Wauchope and I met my future 2nd wife there. We lived at Port for quite a few years: sunshine,beach,hang gliding, and me pretending to be a rally driver on the forest roads drive

Great times but a lifetime ago and a long way from home now.
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/01/19 10:00 AM

Originally Posted By Gambalunga
Originally Posted By OZ 4/4
Took the Morgan and the Delorean to a car display at a vineyard near Port Macquarie. 170K round trip in 39 degree heat - never again.....

Spent some of the best years of my life in that region. I was old enough to know better and young enough not to care innocent

My mother bought some acres and we built a house out from Wauchope and I met my future 2nd wife there. We lived at Port for quite a few years: sunshine,beach,hang gliding, and me pretending to be a rally driver on the forest roads drive

Great times but a lifetime ago and a long way from home now.


Gods country Peter....
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/01/19 07:42 PM

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/01/19 11:42 PM

Well that got everyone's attention...
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/01/19 02:01 PM

Friend of mine found a lump and had a testicle removed.


He takes mashed potato VERY seriously.
Posted By: Ross

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/19 09:29 PM


Marriage in Heaven
On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics, the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." And he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " I can get you married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be bloody joking!" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/01/19 11:25 PM

Very good laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/01/19 10:28 AM

Fantastic. Had me rolling in the aisles
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/01/19 02:28 PM

What food diminishes a Woman's sex drive by 90% ?



Wedding cake.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/01/19 02:56 PM

laugh2 No wonder some of todays kids are in no rush then wink
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/01/19 03:49 PM

They dont know what they are missing .

notworthy innocent




Originally Posted By +8Rich
laugh2 No wonder some of todays kids are in no rush then wink
Posted By: OZ 4/4

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/01/19 08:03 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
Very good laugh2 laugh2


nice one Ross...
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/02/19 01:41 PM

Breaking news .

The FDA just approved a new drug for people
who are easily offended or can't take a joke ?

Growacet TM

(testicular fortitude ) Capsules.

Each capsules contains testicular fortitude



equivalent to one testicle

2 Capsules Rx only.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/02/19 12:01 AM

What did the pirate say on becoming an octagenarian?



Aye, matey
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/02/19 12:04 AM

I was in a cafe today. I ordered a cup of tea.
A row broke out between two waitresses who were arguing about how long to leave the teabag inthe cup. It escalated to violence.
I asked the manager what had happened.
He replied....it’s been brewing.
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/02/19 09:07 AM

My brother Bill's a fireman bold,
He pits oot fires.
He's only 22 years old,
He pits oot fires.
He went tae a fire one night
Someone shouted dynamite,
Wherever he is, he'll be all right,
He pits oot fires.

To the tune of "There is a happy land"
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/02/19 01:38 PM

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/02/19 02:09 PM

As I have grown older,
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible.
But pissing everyone off,
is a piece cake.
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/02/19 02:32 PM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
As I have grown older,
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible.
But pissing everyone off,
is a piece cake.


Oh how true!!
And how enjoyable hide
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 04/02/19 07:22 PM

Found on Twitter......

https://t.co/YADQJmdIfo

Drat....sound notworking grrrr
Posted By: Ross

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 02:41 AM

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."

"Grand", replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road first to see if I could do it.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 11:12 AM

A family is at the dinner table . The son asks the Father, "Dad how many kind's of boobs are there?".
The Father, surprised, answers. "Well son a woman goes through three phases . In her 20s a woman's breasts are like melons , round and firm. In her 30s and 40s they are like pears still nice hanging a bit. After 50. They are like onions. "Onions ?the sons asks, " Yes you see them and it makes you want to cry". This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter ask's "Mam how many different willies are there?". The mother smiles and say's "well , dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree , mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s its like Birch , flexible but reliable . After 50s . Its like a Christmas tree." " A Christmas tree" the daughter asks. "Yes dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration .



No need to go to the loo to check .
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 11:17 AM

Oh dear pantsdown
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 01:08 PM

Very, very sad....
redcard
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 02:04 PM

innocent
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 07:55 PM

JTL..... you certainly have the cahoonas to put that joke in!
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 07:59 PM

Taking about round-ish objects....
There are some of racing drivers with potato links....
Jacket Stewart
Jochen Mash
Alain Proast
King Edward Irvine
Johnnie Dunfries
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 08:05 PM

Emerson Potato Fritterpaldi
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 08:10 PM

Valtteri Patatas
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 08:13 PM

Gerhard Berger and Chips

(Sorry)
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 08:15 PM

Clement Biontatti
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 08:21 PM

Fernando AlooGobi
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 08:37 PM

Jochen Potato Rindt
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 08:40 PM

Mika Hashkinen
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/02/19 11:25 PM

That's because I come from the N.E. Where humour is a way of life by all and both sexes its not taken to heart by old farts trying to rule and impose there ways that dont no the meaning of humour as for the Cahoonas . We call them Balls one woman told me its not against the law muffin the mule. I did not pop the 2nd joke on in case they needed smelling salts. The jokes came from a widower in his early 90s . swmbo Jnr purchased a Billy Connolly book for me at Christmas could not stop laughing onto reading it again. innocent


Originally Posted By sospan
JTL..... you certainly have the cahoonas to put that joke in!
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/02/19 08:51 AM

Nico Rostiberg
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/02/19 10:45 AM

I think there was a potato influence on the old California Highway Patrol Service series on tv......
CHIPS.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/02/19 05:46 PM


A horse is having a quiet drink in a seaside pub when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.
After they’ve introduced themselves, the donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter. What about you?”
And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Have you ever won anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

“Wow!” thinks the donkey.

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.”
So he goes out and buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “Oh that? That’s me when I played for Newcastle.”
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/02/19 08:23 PM

Originally Posted By sospan

A horse is having a quiet drink in a seaside pub when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.
After they’ve introduced themselves, the donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter. What about you?”
And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Have you ever won anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

“Wow!” thinks the donkey.

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.”
So he goes out and buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “Oh that? That’s me when I played for Newcastle.”


rofl
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/02/19 11:00 PM

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/02/19 08:59 AM

You must have been watching the TOON . They now have 11 donkeys and a mule. ( Ashley ) ooo



Originally Posted By sospan

A horse is having a quiet drink in a seaside pub when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.
After they’ve introduced themselves, the donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter. What about you?”
And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Have you ever won anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

“Wow!” thinks the donkey.

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.”
So he goes out and buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “Oh that? That’s me when I played for Newcastle.
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/02/19 09:29 PM

Got to try this!

Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/02/19 10:42 PM

I was driving down the motorway with my blonde girlfriend the other day when she piped up,"I think those people in the car we're overtaking are from Wales".
"Why is that ?" I ask.

She replied."well the kids are writing on the window and it says STIT ROUY SU WOHS."!!
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/02/19 11:02 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
Got to try this!



There was a great letter in The Times this week from a chap complaining that when the tenant in the flat beneath his is at home he can turn his heating off and just enjoy the warmth emanating from the flat below.

Unfortunately, the man in the flat downstairs is away a lot, and rather unsportingly declined to leave the heating on in his flat whilst absent.

The letter writer claimed to have sorted the problem by shouting through his neighbour's letterbox "Alexa !! Turn up the heating"......
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/02/19 11:12 PM

I'll have to have a refresher course in Welsh.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/02/19 11:18 PM

Originally Posted By athelstan
I was driving down the motorway with my blonde girlfriend the other day when she piped up,"I think those people in the car we're overtaking are from Wales".
"Why is that ?" I ask.

She replied."well the kids are writing on the window and it says STIT ROUY SU WOHS."!!



thumbs Thanks I almost spilt my beer laugh2
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/02/19 12:52 PM

Crisp Amos
Xavier Sultana
Colin Crabbe
Halibut Marko....
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/02/19 02:12 PM

Ulf Provinder ?
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/02/19 02:12 PM

Swede Savage?
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/02/19 02:13 PM

Denny Hummus?
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/02/19 02:17 PM

Jean-Marie Pastry?
Jean Toast.

I don't have much to do at the moment
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/02/19 02:35 PM

I think I remember a racing team with Manfred von Borschtich, Richard Seabass, Herrman Lungfish, and Rudolf Carpacciola, but I don't think they got in the papers.
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/02/19 10:09 PM

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265359 dead
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/02/19 10:10 PM

Brilliant rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/19 08:31 AM

Took me a while. The circle of life Pie r squared!
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/19 10:54 AM

Originally Posted By SFG
I think I remember a racing team with Manfred von Borschtich, Richard Seabass, Herrman Lungfish, and Rudolf Carpacciola, but I don't think they got in the papers.


My kind of team laugh2
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/19 11:19 AM

Originally Posted By SFG
I think I remember a racing team with Manfred von Borschtich, Richard Seabass, Herrman Lungfish, and Rudolf Carpacciola, but I don't think they got in the papers.


Peter Ustinov ?
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/19 11:22 AM

Originally Posted By John V6
Took me a while. The circle of life Pie r squared!

Thank you John. I didn't see it notworthy
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/19 02:31 PM

Once I'd got to Ludovico Scoffthelotti I went for a lie down. Still trying to work out Peter Ustinov though.
Posted By: Paul F

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/02/19 06:20 PM

Originally Posted By SFG
Once I'd got to Ludovico Scoffthelotti I went for a lie down. Still trying to work out Peter Ustinov though.


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mfchbxFoaOY
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/02/19 10:25 AM

Michael Fish was doing the weather report. The autocue failed...
He started to flounder.
He blushed to a ruddy colour.
His voice dropped to a bass.
The producer said...”eel have to go..”
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/02/19 11:04 AM

Talking of really bad puns, Aldi USA have released a range of cheeses with names based on pop songs....

Wake Me Up Before You Goat Goat
(1984's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!),

Sweet Cheddar of Mine
(1987's "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses),

Girls Just Wanna Have Fontina
(1983's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper),

Pour Some Gouda on Me
(1987's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard)

Total Eclipse of the Havarti
(1983's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler).

I do hope they don't do it here, it is an insult to fine cheese...
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/02/19 07:23 PM

A chap was leaving Manchester and stops to ask a young woman
"how do I get to Oldham"

she says

"Buy me a box of chocolates and take me to the pictures"
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/02/19 07:25 PM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/02/19 07:28 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Michael Fish was doing the weather report. The autocue failed...
He started to flounder.
He blushed to a ruddy colour.
His voice dropped to a bass.
The producer said...”eel have to go..”

Top class TalkMog fish puns. Whale done
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/02/19 07:34 PM

Originally Posted By John V6
Originally Posted By sospan
Michael Fish was doing the weather report. The autocue failed...
He started to flounder.
He blushed to a ruddy colour.
His voice dropped to a bass.
The producer said...”eel have to go..”

Top class TalkMog fish puns. Whale done


It was done on porpoise.
Posted By: HeadlessBlue

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/02/19 07:35 PM

There’s a time and a plaice. I’m just not sure this is it
HB
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/02/19 11:22 AM

Enough puns. Stop this ceaseless barbel
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/02/19 06:36 PM

Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A: One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/02/19 06:43 PM

A local laundrette was raided by the fraud squad.
The owner was charged with money laundering.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/02/19 12:17 PM

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/02/19 06:29 PM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: Oakvillian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/02/19 06:40 PM

Why did the chicken cross the playground?




It wanted to get to the other slide.

getcoat
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/02/19 10:30 AM

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning a Yorkshire man said to the cashier , "Can you do this any cheaper?"
"I'm afraid not", she replied, "if we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
The Yorkshire man said, "Yeah, but its got today's date on it.
If nobody buys it then its just going to get thrown away."

"Look Sir, You're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!
Posted By: Burgundymog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/02/19 01:35 PM

Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning a Yorkshire man said to the cashier , "Can you do this any cheaper?"
"I'm afraid not", she replied, "if we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
The Yorkshire man said, "Yeah, but its got today's date on it.
If nobody buys it then its just going to get thrown away."

"Look Sir, You're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!


rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/02/19 02:40 PM

Originally Posted By Burgundymog
Originally Posted By Jack The Lad
After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning a Yorkshire man said to the cashier , "Can you do this any cheaper?"
"I'm afraid not", she replied, "if we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
The Yorkshire man said, "Yeah, but its got today's date on it.
If nobody buys it then its just going to get thrown away."

"Look Sir, You're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!


rofl rofl rofl


And me rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/02/19 02:56 PM

Very good JT thumbs laugh2
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/02/19 05:39 PM

A cracker John rofl
Posted By: bmgermany

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/02/19 06:36 PM

crazy2 crazy2 crazy2
Also for me with my poor english: Great!
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/02/19 06:54 PM

Richard I think I will avoid Yorkshire for a few weeks after that one . innocent
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/02/19 06:55 PM

John, happens that's a good idea for your health.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/02/19 07:22 PM

We all love a day at the races..

Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/02/19 08:00 PM

I lttle biassed isnt it laugh2
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 25/02/19 08:30 PM

Akrapovic? No that would be on Trump's pajamas. She would be Holland & Holland, Highland Spring and Tiptree.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/19 09:54 AM

An old Yorkshireman is lying in his bed dying. With a very weak voice he asks:
Is my wife here?
Yes, I am here.
Are my children here?
Yes, your children are all here.
Are my grandchildren here?
Yes grandad, we are all here.
- Then why is the light in the kitchen still on?
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/19 10:34 AM

laugh2 laugh2
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/19 02:46 PM

Why is that funny. I hate the kids leaving the lights on
laugh2 rofl
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/19 10:48 PM

An MP is headed commuting Westminster on the tube. He is constantly scratching his elbow.
Eventually a fellow commuter is annoyed and asks..”why are you constantly scratching?”.
MP replies...”I’ve got piles”.
shades
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 28/02/19 10:52 PM

Teddy bear is given a job digging in the woods.
He comes back after lunch to find his tools are missing.
He complains and the Forenan replies...
“Today’s the day the teddy bears get their picks nicked.”
hide
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/03/19 07:53 AM

Thanks for making me laugh. Especially the MP one.
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/03/19 09:25 PM

Well worth the effort working that one out!
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/03/19 11:13 PM

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of Pounds worth of high-tech equipment.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. ……

At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tires in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 24 bottles White Lightning, 12 wraps of speed, and some pictures of Cheryl Tweeedy!!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/03/19 11:25 PM

clap laugh2 Love it.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/03/19 07:21 AM

laugh2

Very good
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/03/19 06:45 PM

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/03/19 06:57 PM

She's gonna getchya
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/03/19 07:28 PM




Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 03/03/19 10:50 PM

Seen in the back of a dyslexic owners Land Rover Defender

.......one wife .........livid
Posted By: Budster

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/19 05:35 PM

A man goes into an Eskimo restaurant and asks the waitress;
“What are your specials today?”
“We have whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat.”
The man asks “Is there anything else?”
“Well we do have the Vera Lynn Special”
The man asks “What’s that?”
“Whale meat again”

getcoat
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/19 05:37 PM

laugh2

Good one
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 05/03/19 06:13 PM

Mrs Jones took her husband to the doctor.

Dr: "Now what seems to be the problem?"

Mrs. J: "The silly old b thinks he's a dog!"

Dr: "Well let's have a look at you. Please lie down on the couch Mr Jones."

Mr. J: "Oh thank you Doctor. She won't let me up on the couch at home!"
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/03/19 04:07 PM

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/03/19 10:14 PM

Q. Why didthe Mexican throw his wife down the stairs?

A. Tequila

.....................................

Q. What do Mexicans put under their carpets?

A. Andale
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/03/19 10:22 PM


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1500!" she cried,"£1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1500
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/03/19 10:31 PM

I have just bought some Sainsburys sausages with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.

On the back of the packet it says" prick with a fork"..........

......Can't argue with that. I admire their honesty.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/03/19 10:31 PM

rofl

Very good
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/03/19 11:01 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
.......
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1500

Love it rofl rofl rofl

Definitely warrens the 3 rofl award.
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/03/19 12:48 PM

+1.
Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/03/19 04:31 PM

+2 ....GOOD
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/19 11:53 AM

Smiling is infectious
you catch it like the flue

When someone smiled at me today
I started Smiling too

I walked around the corner
and someone saw me grin

When he smiled I realised
I had past it onto him

I thought about a smile
then realised its worth

So if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected

Start an Epidemic
And get the World infected.

By Spike M.

I love it only 2 things he missed in the early 1970s just purchased a recorder it cost over 70 quid GULP we went to my brothers for Christmas lunch I made June run home with me to tape the goons . Got in in time . Had no idea how it worked and it was starting on TV . I have a short fuse Hit it with my fist and lost 75 quid in a instant and the Goons . Bet Spike would have peed him self laughing at that . But on the other side a smile . Who but a mog owner does this a couple of years ago I took the mog to Darlington followed by future son in law . The +*%&#@ drove at 40mph on the A1(M) . The sky opened no hood up soaked like a rat . Everyone looking at me from there car or bus seat . Smile and grin at them then wave . They dont have an answer . When Future Son In Law arrived I asked him " why so slow " and he replied I wanted to see you get soaked" Not a lot you can say to that . But I will get my own back . The garage lads ROTFL . On the return day it looked sunny as I drove out the garage June in Audi with all mod cons . The sky opened up 100% but I kept waving and smiling . They don't understand you are not able to get any wetter that wet . Even when the ton cover sends its waves onto your lap , funny they never go the other side and onto the road . Must be MOGS LAW . It took about three weeks for my overalls to dry out and just as long for June to stop laughing .
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/19 12:53 PM

There are two types of people in this world

1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/19 01:06 PM

Politicians?
Ah...but they manipulate the data......
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/19 01:20 PM

Originally Posted By Stewart S
There are two types of people in this world

1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data


I thought that the two types of people in the world are the ones who can remember who the different types of people are, and er.......
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/19 01:23 PM

Originally Posted By Stewart S
There are two types of people in this world

1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

Sorry, there are 10 types of people.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/19 05:34 PM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By Stewart S
There are two types of people in this world

1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

Sorry, there are 10 types of people.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Oh yes! That that definitely gets the 11 rofl award

rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/03/19 05:36 PM

Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/03/19 06:21 PM

I went to get a Cinese takeaway last night.
I put the bag in the footwell
On the way homeI heard a rustling come from it.
I looked inside and saw a pair of eyes looking out at me.

It was the Peeking duck.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/03/19 06:23 PM

A farmer wakes up one winter morning to find all his cows completely frozen.

He goes outside and touches one, it's frozen solid, it falls over.

Just then a passing women looks over the hedge and says "are your cows frozen?"

"Yes " he says, "Oh, I can fix that" she says.

And sure enough, she comes into the field and goes up to the first cow and breathes on its nose, it comes back to life, and after breathing on all of them, they too come back to life.

"Who are you ? asks the farmer



She replied....
Thora Herd.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/03/19 07:23 PM

laugh2

Both of those are truly terrible.

Keep up the good work.
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 11/03/19 10:25 PM

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has just been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/03/19 07:03 PM

My neighbour had his credit card stolen.
He didn't report it because the thief was spending less than his wife.
spend
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/03/19 07:05 PM

I recently bought a dog from a local blacksmith

I only had him 3 hours before he made a bolt for the door!
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/03/19 07:17 PM



Pinned ( nono) to the board?
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 14/03/19 07:21 PM

Yorkshire roadworks....
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/03/19 03:06 PM

Should that not be "when t'red light" ?? grin2
Posted By: Rob Thornton

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 15/03/19 03:15 PM

I seem to remember that British Rail had a standard sign positioned at crossing gate signals which said 'Wait here while lights are red' or words to that effect. They had to change them in some parts of Britain, including Lincolnshire, where the word 'while' was interpreted as 'until'.
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/03/19 10:45 AM

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude , the captain announced ;"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York . The weather ahead is good , so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back , relax and ... OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed----complete silence!-----

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

" Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you,While I was talking to you , a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap . You should see the front of my pants!".

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled "

For the lovva Jaysus ,
you should see the back of mine!"
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/03/19 12:32 PM

One for Bob....

Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/03/19 04:07 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
One for Bob....

Excellent!
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/03/19 05:25 PM

Make sure your grammar and punctuation is correct or....

There’s a Maypole dancer!

Might become....

Theresa May, pole dancer!
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/03/19 06:09 PM

scared
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 17/03/19 06:11 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
One for Bob....



Excellent, love it
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/03/19 12:11 PM

Men at 25 play football.

Men at 40 play tennis.

Men at 60 play golf.


Have you noticed that as you get older

your balls get smaller.


ps. my wife handed me this.
Funny there mouth doesn't .
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/03/19 06:25 PM

A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"
His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."
The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."
His Dad says, "You're welcome, Ford."
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/03/19 06:51 PM

Paris Hilton has a bit more of a ring to it hide
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/03/19 06:56 PM

Sixteen Sodium atoms walk into a bar.

Closely followed by Batman.
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/03/19 08:24 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Sixteen Sodium atoms walk into a bar.

Closely followed by Batman.


Thirty two sodium atoms, surely.

(I refer you to the gag I posted above.....)
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/03/19 08:34 PM

Originally Posted By pandy
One for Bob....



Q: Who led the Pedant's Revolt?

A: Which Tyler
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/03/19 08:37 PM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Q: Who led the Pedant's Revolt?

A: Which Tyler

Excellent!
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/03/19 08:44 PM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By Hamwich
Q: Who led the Pedant's Revolt?

A: Which Tyler

Excellent!


Superb notworthy
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/03/19 08:48 PM

I think I'll go to bed early.
Posted By: Alan Patterson

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/03/19 05:05 PM

I went for an interview today and I was asked if I can perform under pressure. I said “No, but I do a wicked Bohemian Raphsody”
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/03/19 08:05 PM

Originally Posted By Alan Patterson
I went for an interview today and I was asked if I can perform under pressure. I said “No, but I do a wicked Bohemian Raphsody”


That’s a cracker
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/03/19 10:41 PM

Originally Posted By Alan Patterson
I went for an interview today and I was asked if I can perform under pressure. I said “No, but I do a wicked Bohemian Raphsody”


Until you want to break free?
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/03/19 10:26 AM

Life before the Computer

Memory was something that you lost with age.

An application was for employment .

A program was a TV Show.

A cursor used profanity.

A Keyboard was a piano!

A web was a spider's home.

A Virus was the flue!

A CD was a bank account .

A hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy... you just hoped nobody found out!
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/03/19 10:30 AM

laugh2
Posted By: Gambalunga

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/03/19 12:05 PM

Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/03/19 12:28 PM

Richard one of the car clubs we are in had a social event at a pub near South Shields last night . Only 11 turned up . We all had the carvery , did not think I could eat like that , beef chicken you name it they had it and so did I. Take as much as you wish two hands to carry a very heavy full plate inc veg along with a sweet and as many super giant yorkshire puddings as you want . Growing lad. NOT A BAD PRICE 21 QUID and that includes our drinks eat Mog on the road 1st April sorting out a trip to Shap ( lakes ) Hotel booked with a bunch of nutters .
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/03/19 12:36 PM

That's a good one John eat thumbs
Posted By: Jack The Lad

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/03/19 12:54 PM

Richard I must have had my other skin on last night my shy one innocent . As I was cracking jokes all evening not blue and telling them of the funny things that happened in my life . All I can say is they must have locked themselves away. The chairman is an ex rally nut so was i he has rolled a few . Interesting talks about what we did . Both used to stand in a forest in the dead of night chucking it down to marshal . I wonder if we knew each other but that was many many years ago. oldgit
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 21/03/19 01:02 PM

Nothing quite like swapping old stories about cars over a good meal John.
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/03/19 12:35 PM

A few people on the forum (including me) appear to have Sidepipeitis. Now defined as a love of V8 engines when allowed to make jolly loud noises through side exiting exhausts.

Fellow sufferers please join me in something for those days when you cannot get out. Make certain your sound is turned up.

https://t.co/dqjgQ3whNC

(hmmm sounds better than those pesky V6 F1 cars, perhaps we should get in touch with the FIA)
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/03/19 03:15 PM

Originally Posted By Alistair
A few people on the forum (including me) appear to have Sidepipeitis. Now defined as a love of V8 engines when allowed to make jolly loud noises through side exiting exhausts.

Fellow sufferers please join me in something for those days when you cannot get out. Make certain your sound is turned up.

https://t.co/dqjgQ3whNC

(hmmm sounds better than those pesky V6 F1 cars, perhaps we should get in touch with the FIA)


Very good.
Nick
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/03/19 03:15 PM


Very good wink


Play loud.... I listen to this one if I can't get out for a while - the Merc is raw thumbs
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/03/19 10:44 PM

Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/03/19 10:45 PM

Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/03/19 06:23 PM

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab”
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 23/03/19 07:08 PM

rofl
Posted By: Neilda

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/03/19 08:38 AM

A woman arrived at a party.

While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'" "What’s your name?” she asked.

He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
Posted By: SFG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 24/03/19 09:51 AM

🤣
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/03/19 09:16 PM

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in the water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/03/19 09:28 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in the water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.


Good point, well made
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 29/03/19 09:57 PM

rofl
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/03/19 07:49 AM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in the water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.


Excellent! Shamelessly stolen for FB
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/03/19 02:04 PM

It was holiday time at the Audi factory. Staff diversity had enabled a dwarf to get a job there. Off he went to Hamburg to sample the “delights of the ladies of the night”.
In he went to an establishment. Paid his money and went to a room with a stunning lady.
She lay on the bed.
He proceeded to put a spring on each elbow and knee.
The ensuing passionate embrace left the lady in raptures of delight.
“Wow! Where did you learn that? She asked.
He replied...
That is my four sprung dwarf technique.....
innocent
Posted By: Budster

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/03/19 02:48 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
It was holiday time at the Audi factory. Staff diversity had enabled a dwarf to get a job there. Off he went to Hamburg to sample the “delights of the ladies of the night”.
In he went to an establishment. Paid his money and went to a room with a stunning lady.
She lay on the bed.
He proceeded to put a spring on each elbow and knee.
The ensuing passionate embrace left the lady in raptures of delight.
“Wow! Where did you learn that? She asked.
He replied...
That is my four sprung dwarf technique.....
innocent


laugh2 thumbs
Posted By: Mkiss

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 30/03/19 06:11 PM

rofl!

lˋm going to use this at home;)

Miklos
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/03/19 12:25 AM


What? The four springs?
shocked2
Posted By: Mkiss

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/03/19 09:07 AM

Good idea as well - will think about it.

More the dwarf technique - as I`m at Audi.
And it`s true - there is a diversity plan running;)

Miklos
Posted By: Dean-Royal

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 31/03/19 06:10 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
It was holiday time at the Audi factory. Staff diversity had enabled a dwarf to get a job there. Off he went to Hamburg to sample the “delights of the ladies of the night”.
In he went to an establishment. Paid his money and went to a room with a stunning lady.
She lay on the bed.
He proceeded to put a spring on each elbow and knee.
The ensuing passionate embrace left the lady in raptures of delight.
“Wow! Where did you learn that? She asked.
He replied...
That is my four sprung dwarf technique.....
innocent


Class rofl
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/04/19 07:19 AM

Is that why Audi's symbol is four circles?
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 01/04/19 07:20 AM

Originally Posted By John V6
Is that why Audi's symbol is four circles?


laugh2
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/04/19 07:16 PM

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M62 near Brighouse recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 02/04/19 07:21 PM

Borrowed from Pistonheads.
Seems quite apt at the moment....


Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 04:22 AM

I won’t explain the irony

Posted By: N22MOG

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 06:38 AM

rofl rofl rofl
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 08:15 AM

rofl rofl
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 08:58 AM

laugh2 englandwave
Posted By: John V6

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 08:58 AM

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 09:46 AM

Utterly priceless... I nearly cried reading it.
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 10:55 AM

I am going to guess they had not paid their translators bill and they got their own back!
Posted By: nick w

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 11:01 AM

Absolutely brilliant.
Can it really be true?
Nick
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 11:24 AM

Reminds me of Flawty Trousers hotel in Torquay.....
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 11:58 AM

Excellent very tongue in cheek, I think Alistair is probably on the money.
Thanks for posting laugh2.
Posted By: Peter J

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 06/04/19 02:32 PM

I support Alistairs hypothesis...
It is just too funny to be "innocent" mistakes, seems as though the mistakes are too funny to be true.

Still hilarious!
Posted By: Neilda

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/04/19 08:06 AM

Reminds me of this transcript:


Room Service:

"Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest:

"Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

Room Service:

"Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

Guest:

"Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

Room Service:

"Ow July den?"

Guest:

"What??"

Room Service:

"Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest:

"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service:

"Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest:

"Crisp will be fine."

Room Service:

"Hokay. An San toes?"

Guest:

"What???"

Room Service:

"San toes. July San toes?"

Guest:

"Uhh... I don't think so"

Room Service:

"No? Judo one toes??"

Guest:

"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

Room Service:

"Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

Guest:

"Oh, English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine." Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service:

"We bother?"

Guest:

"No. Just put the bother on the side."

Room Service:

"Wad?"

Guest:

"I mean butter...just put it on the side."

Room Service:

"Copy?"

Guest:

"Sorry???"

Room Service:

"Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest:

"Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

Room Service:

"One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

Guest:

"Whatever you say."

Room Service:

"Tendjewberrymud."

Guest:

"You're welcome."
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/04/19 01:24 PM

If you challenge Death to a pillow fight, you best be ready for the reaper cushions.
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/04/19 01:27 PM

Reminds me of an Italian story 🙈

https://youtu.be/Ou2vqAwNEW8
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/04/19 01:42 PM

Explorers Kate and Sydney Dumbfellow found a never before seen tribe of cannibals in the Amazon Rainforest. They found they were well organised and even have a communal eating area with a menu...
Breakfast. Shredded feet.
Lunch. Baked beings on toast.
Evening meal. Kate and Sidney pudding.

Nothing has been heard from Kate and Sydney since their original message.


Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 07/04/19 06:17 PM

Why would it be terrible if Tiddles won the Ryder Cup?


Cat 'as Trophy.
Posted By: athelstan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 12:51 PM

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

The little b*stards
Posted By: Graham, G4FUJ

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 01:19 PM

rofl
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 02:08 PM

Local police are investigating a serious assault on a man last night who was beaten about the head with a power drill.
When interviewed the victim said “I was just walking along the street minding my own business and the next thing I knew, Bosch”
Posted By: CooperMan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 02:14 PM

Originally Posted By Neptune
Local police are investigating a serious assault on a man last night who was beaten about the head with a power drill.
When interviewed the victim said “I was just walking along the street minding my own business and the next thing I knew, Bosch”


Mains or Battery
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 02:56 PM

That I don’t know, or if anyone was charged
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 04:37 PM

The police should clamp down on people going around tooled-up in public.
Posted By: skullmog

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 06:57 PM

was nicked for assault & battery ooo
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 07:07 PM

Was the assault terminal?
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 07:08 PM

Was a hammer used?
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 07:14 PM

I'll bet it was a Lion battery just like the owner.
Posted By: Ray

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 07:16 PM

Originally Posted By sospan
Was a hammer used?
. It caused a BIT of confusion.
Posted By: Neptune

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 07:45 PM

Turns out it was the American son of Richard Keyes, Chuck
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 08:49 PM

Originally Posted By +8Rich
I'll bet it was a Lion battery just like the owner.

If it was, it would be Lion? Aye.
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 08:52 PM

Originally Posted By BobtheTrain
Originally Posted By +8Rich
I'll bet it was a Lion battery just like the owner.

If it was, it would be Lion? Aye.

thumbs
Posted By: Esprit

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 09:06 PM

You'd have to be nuts to attack someone with a drill. The screws will keep the offender in prison but if he sees a chance to escape he'll probably make a bolt for the door.
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 08/04/19 09:34 PM

I used to have a rescue dog that was originally owned by a blacksmith. Didn’t have him long.
He made a bolt for the door.
Posted By: Budster

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/04/19 03:49 PM

Such a nice day today, so I dug out my walking boots and went for a lovely long walk along the coast path.
Packed a rucksack, a Thermos of coffee and some sandwiches.
Fabulous views, as usual, so after a while I stopped to enjoy the sunshine and a nice coffee.

Sorry, I’m rambling.

getcoat
Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/04/19 06:42 PM

rofl

Good one
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 09/04/19 10:05 PM

50 one-liners from the fringe

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” Gary Delaney

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis

“I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.” Lou Sanders

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine

“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.” Emo Philips

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.'” Paddy Lennox

“I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book” Frankie Boyle

“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle

“I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her” Lew Fitz

“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated” Andy Field

“Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant” Mark Simmons

“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” Jimeoin

“I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house” Ed Byrne

“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine” Olaf Falafel

“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!”‘ Alasdair Beckett-King

“A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event” Angela Barnes

“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer” Adele Cliff

“For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it” Phil Wang

“I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark” Adam Hess

“I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act” Tim Vine

“Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell​

“I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson

“Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith

“I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan

“Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson

“I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney

“Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff

“Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath

“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. that work?” Olaf Falafel

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes

“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.” Olaf Falafel

“I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift

“Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith

“I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons

“Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soy seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol

“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West” Stewart Francis

“Surely every car is a people carrier?” Adam Hess

“What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” Masai Graham

“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas” Mark Nelson

“Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day” Tom Parry

“I never lie on my CV…because it creases it.” Jenny Collier

“If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself” Ian Smith

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time” Tom Ward

“Earlier this year I saw ‘The Theory of Everything’ – loved it. Should’ve been called ‘Look Who’s Hawking’, that’s my only criticism” James Acaster

“I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.” Masai Graham

“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor

“This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” Felicity Ward

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” Tim Vine
Posted By: tmg513

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/04/19 06:13 AM

A stranger walks into a pub. The guys in the public bar aren't very friendly and try as he may he can't engage them in conversation. Eventually he says to one of them, "I've got a very unusual skill, I bet you a fiver if you stick your car key up my arse I can tell what car you drive." This gets everyone's attention so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the first guy inserts his car key up the guy's arse. "That's a Ford Fiesta", he says, "Put your money on the bar.". The astonished punter does so and the next customer has a go. A slight smile crosses the man's face as he says, "Mercedes 190SL, put your money on the bar." He proceeds correctly guess what everyone drives and a big pile of fivers builds up. Finally a mechanic in greasy overalls winks at his mates and gets a spark plug out of his pocket, then proceeds to ram this up the guy's sphincter. A big smile spreads across the guy's face. "I don't know what you drive lad, but that's f***ing Champion!"
Posted By: Hamwich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/04/19 07:33 AM

Originally Posted By pandy
50 one-liners from the fringe


rofl Some real gems in there.

Originally Posted By tmg513
that's f***ing Champion!"


rofl
Posted By: Heinz

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/04/19 07:37 AM

Originally Posted By Hamwich
Originally Posted By pandy
50 one-liners from the fringe


rofl Some real gems in there.

Originally Posted By tmg513
that's f***ing Champion!"


rofl


+1
Very nice, both, so funny and yet so different smile
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 10/04/19 08:30 AM

When did Champion start making butt plugs?
hide
Posted By: +8Rich

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 12/04/19 11:04 PM

Posted By: LightSpeed

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/04/19 03:07 AM

A model truck? Some assembly required.
Posted By: Mkiss

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/04/19 06:33 AM

This is what our or at least my children fail to interpret...
Posted By: Alistair

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/04/19 06:53 AM

I would love to see the size of the glue pot
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/04/19 08:17 AM

Originally Posted By Alistair
I would love to see the size of the glue pot

BIG, I assume
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/04/19 10:49 AM

Jaguar had a similar piece at retromobile a few years ago to promote genuine factory spares. This photo is one of the same thing at Essen.

Posted By: Stewart S

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 13/04/19 11:21 AM

And they had it at the NEC classic car show as well
Posted By: DavidR

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 16/04/19 10:01 AM

Originally Posted By Alistair
I would love to see the size of the glue pot


...and what a "high" time one would have making it smile
Posted By: sospan

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 18/04/19 05:29 PM

My mate got married on Saturday.
Rang me last night in bits

When he had calmed down i asked him what was wrong

He had asked he wife if he had been the only one she had been with


Shes said 'Yes, all the others were nine or tens'

ooo
Posted By: LightSpeed

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 19/04/19 01:07 AM

Hilarious!
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/04/19 07:03 AM

If Bob were the boss.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmVnr7rsWrE
Posted By: BobtheTrain

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/04/19 08:04 AM

Originally Posted By pandy

Thank you Giles, I shall now settle down to an expresso with less than six people. I presume you meant me?
Posted By: pandy

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/04/19 08:07 AM

I certainly did !!
Posted By: The Austrian

Re: Tongue in cheek Monday humour - 22/04/19 09:13 AM

Less people were shot for fewer misdakes goodnight
Posted By: BobtheTrain