Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

An Illiterate Father and his College Graduate Son went on a camping trip. They set up the camp and their tent and fell fast asleep. After a few hours the Father wakes up and wakes his Son asking him "Son, Look up to the sky and tell me, What do you see?" The son replies "I see Millions of Stars". And the Father says "And what does that tell you?" "Well, Astronomically, it means there are millions of Galaxies and Planets". The Father thinks about this for a few minutes and then slaps the son up side the head "No you ****ing idiot, it means someone has stolen our tent!"
The Moral? ~ All the education in the world is no replacement for common sense.

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.


He called her into his office and said, "I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"


The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Superman had a long day fly's in to see Batman and Robin .
Get your coat on lads my turn to buy we are going out for some beer's had a bad day .
Sorry we have got the Batmobile to mend
Oh hell come on
sorry try Spiderman he likes a drink
Zoom flys off to Spidermans place
Drinks on me Spiderman lets go
Sorry no chance got my webs to mend
Oh come on I need a beer or two
sorry cant, go and see wonder women she will go for a drink
Zoom off he flys
Turns on his Xray vision and spots Wonder women lying naked on the bed .
I will have some of that
flys in through the window and does his stuff then flys out
Wonder Women says what the hell was that the earth moved never felt anything like it what happened
And the invisable man
says I dont know but my ar*e is killing me

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had s*x together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sound...s like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having s*x against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s*x that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic s*x life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

No I may get arrested and try as I might I can't work out how a women thinks

The zoo keeper was concerned about his prize female gorilla who was pining for her lost mate. He had called every zoo in the world but none had a spare male they were willing to part with, so in the end he realised he would have to pay a male human 50 pounds to satisy the giant randy ape.

He went to the pub where he knew big Murphy the Irish Navvy would be drinking.

"Murphy, I have a major problem with our female gorilla. She's needing a good shagging and there's no male gorilla to satisfy her. How do you fancy giving her a good seeing to for 50 quid?"

Big Murphy slowly finishes his pint, puts his glass on the bar, and after a lot of thought and head scratching replies to the keeper:

"Alright" he says "I'll do it. But there's 3 conditions".

"Brilliant" replies the keeper "Whatever you say - we're desperate not to lose her"

"OK, the first condition is this - no foreplay. I don't mind doing the business, but I ain't doin' none of that fancy stuff. No kissin' and cuddlin' just in and out"

"No problem" says the keeper.

"And me second condition is this. If there's any offspring from this unholy union I don't want me name on any birth certificate. I got enough problems with all me kids and wives back in Ireland. I don't want no-one to know anythin' about all this".

"Guaranteed" says the keeper "you have my word on it - total anonymity, and no chance ever of any DNA tests. Now what's your third and final condition?"

Murphy takes a deep breath, finishes another pint of Guinness, scratches his head and says "Can you give me a couple of days to get the 50 quid together?"

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, " Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39K a year and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized, 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.