Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

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:xmasbigsmile: :xmaswow:

Unless the bookie is an independent one then your money just went to Gibraltar....

I do however support all the other recommendations.

However, if the Press are anything to by by, I suspect you may find a good percentage of Item 3 are not UK...

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We're Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates & we're Lance Corporals now "

All the department managers were called to a meeting with the Managing Director. It was obviously something quite serious. They were each called into the MD's office one by one. Those that remained outside started to worry. What was happening? Sackings? Company downsizing? Finally the youngest, most recent appointment, was called into the office.

"Have you been screwing my secretary?" He was asked.
"No!"
MD: "Are you sure? Now tell the truth!"
"Certainly not, she is a beautiful young woman but I would never even dream of having an affair with her. After all she is YOUR secretary."
MD: "At last! We've found the one who can sack her!"

A man phones home to his wife and leaves a message on the answerphone: “Darling, I have been invited to fly to Scotland with my boss and several of his friends for a fishing trip. We’ll be gone for the long weekend. This is a really good opportunity for me to help get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend and also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the garage? We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I’ll call back in at the house to pick my things up, before you get home. Oh, and by the way please pack my new silk pyjamas.”

The wife thinks this sounded a bit odd, but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came looking a little tired, but pleased with himself. The wife welcomes him home and asks "Did you catch many fish?"

He says, “Yes, we caught lots of trout and a couple of big salmon. But why didn’t you pack my silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?”

The wife replies, “I did. They’re in your tackle box.”

The thing that made me laugh hardest this weekend was reading about the UKIP guy who's in trouble for sexual harassment of a female potential candidate.

It none other than the brilliantly named Roger Bird.

I guess his defense will centre around the fact that he only does what it says on the tin.

A YOUNG COUPLE, VERY MUCH IN LOVE DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT.
Being very religious the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" ST. PETER SHOUTED "IT TOOK ME THREE MONTHS TO FIND A PRIEST UP HERE.....DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT'LL TAKE ME TO FIND A LAWYER?"