Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Ideal. When our eldest daughter reached 30 she thought the world would end, like you say it's fun playing the return game

Once they are blessed with a little one of their own they seem to get a bit more rational is my experience, and oh a whole lot more tolerant !

An elderly man goes to see his Dr
I want some Viagra
How old are you
84
You are to old
I want some now and I am not bloody going till I get some
Ok here take this to the chemist

At the chemist counter
Sir this is for Viagra
yes I know
its for you
yes
how old are you
84 and dont you bloody start just get me them
out he comes with the viagra
Sir these are them
Rather large in size
can you cut them in half for me
I can asure you you will need a hole one at your age to get it high up
I dont need it high up
just enought to stop me P*ssing on my shoes .

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race...............

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f**king bricks.'

Bit early for words like Jewsons though


-People who think outside the
-box are special!
-(Don't miss the simple test at the end)
-
-
-
-The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .
-
-Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
-
-The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!
-
- 1. This is this cat.
- 2. This is is cat.
- 3. This is how cat.
- 4. This is to cat..
- 5. This is keep cat.
- 6. This is an cat.
- 7.. This is old cat.
- 8. This is fart cat.
- 9. This is busy cat.
- 10. This is for cat.
- 11. This is forty cat.
- 12. This is seconds cat.
-
-Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
-

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again you little pr*ck, you're in my cupboard now'!!

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really?

Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied,

"That would be my wife."