Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

True story. I'm not quite the aussie stockman but on the night after my second wedding I booked a hotel in the beach village of Red Head just south of Newcastle in NSW. What I did not know was that it was more a motel than anything else and attached to a popular pub for young surfies. We arrived late after a long day and a long drive and were a bit surprised to discover our room was in a row of a single story brick building that was open to the carpark. At one o'clock in the morning a couple of kids sat on the outside window sill and after about 15 minutes of listening to him imploring for her to give "it" to him and her not quite refusing I opened the door and said to her "For Ch**st's sake take him down the beach and give it to him or go home and ***** yourself, but at least let us get some sleep"

Needless to say we found a quieter hotel for our next night.

By hell you look young to have a mog .

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream &
shouts: "Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer,
its full o hoss p**s an cow s**te."


The bloke says: "Sir, I am an illegal immigrant,can you
be speaking clearer, and slower please."


The farmer replies: "If.... You.... Use.... Both.... Hands.... You....Won't... Spill ....Any"

The doctor advised me to cut out about half of my sexual activity.

"Which half doc?" I asked. "Thinking about it or talking about it?"

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

A friend of mine joined the new Tesco Dating Club.

However, I would seriously counsel against it.



He got a "Bag for Life".

Dentist about to treat a patient.

Deantist:- roll your sleeve up sir
Patient:- Why what are you going to do
Dentist:- i need to put this in your arm (big needle)
Patient:- oh sorry i don't do needles
Dentist:- but sir you need this to supress the pain
Patient:- no sorry have you anything else
Dentist:- here i will give you some of this (Gas)
Patient:- oh sorry i cant do Gas neither
Dentist:- ok take this (Dentist hands him a Viagra)
Patient:- "Viagra" i didnt know this will numb my mouth
Dentist:- it doesnt Sir, but when it kicks in it will
give you something to hang on to.

They now do a liquid viagra .
Does nothing for the male libido
but it dont arf keep your biscuits hard after dunking

It's Friday humour so.........
One Friday a couple were driving along a country road in a downpour when a skunk ran out and they hit it.
They man got out and saw it was alive.
He picked it up and handed it to the woman and said
"We'll get it to a vet."
"But it's cold and wet and shivering" , she said.
He replied
"Well put is somewhere warm."
"Where?" she replied
"Between your legs" was his reply.
"But what about the smell?" she replied aghast!
He replied...
"Pinch it's nose then!"