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Aug 24th, 2023
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Talk Morgan Enthusiast
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Talk Morgan Enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,647 |
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!' 'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!' So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running long beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!' Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
He looked down in shock....'er....Nope..just when it's raining.'
Jaguar F-Type V6s roadster
2009 Harley Davidson XR1200
1986 Honda VFR750F (RC24)
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,014
Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
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Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,014 |
Steve can't even spell it , with black wing's please . I keep telling him I am the quiet and shy one out of a group of mates they will tell you that themselves . I think he is trying to convert me just to keep him in jokes when he pops his clogs .Right off to watch Kenny Everett BBC 4 IT'S ALL IN THE BEST POSSABLE TASTE . Steve, you should know by now that JTL is no angel or even an 'angle', as you put it..... ...he could be angling this joke at someone though.....it's all elementary dear Watson...  .... 
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 4,607 Likes: 14
Part of the Furniture
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Part of the Furniture
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 4,607 Likes: 14 |
....Right off to watch Kenny Everett BBC 4 IT'S ALL IN THE BEST POSSIBLE TASTE Boffer - missed it. kenny saved my life a few times. What ever happened to Captain Kremmen [img:center]http://www.google.co.uk/url?source=imglanding&ct=img&q=http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/c/captainkremmen2.jpg&sa=X&ei=fqhsUIXSCcbL0QWc04GgDw&ved=0CAkQ8wc&usg=AFQjCNH9KPj3tv2tOAFDEQlvMhATm8iGmg[/img]
Steve A11OGE Red 1989 4/4 4 seater
'A Morgan is for life, not just for Sundays'
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Joined: Apr 2011
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Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
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Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,014 |
 Jnr left a message for me , she was brought up on it . I would stand outside the door and listen to her in fit's of laughter it was like a tonic for me and any dad would agree. At her school if the boys gave her a rough time she would call them a Cupid Stunt . The deputy head a huge man hard as nails heard her and burst out laughing , he was a K.E. fan the boys never clicked on . As for my angel bit forgot to tell you we already have one up here THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH who do you think they got the name from .  Went to get my eyes tested y/day in the Metro Centre the girl was on ages ."sit down sir I am going to blow into you eyes " I said " why dont we lye down and you blow in my ear's it has a better effect " . She could not stand still and kept getting the giggles . Had I thought about it I would have put Sid Snott down instead of Jack The Lad .
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,014
Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
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Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,014 |
A group of angel's in the sky going around the world and it starts to get cloudy .
One said where are we and the leader put her hand threw the clouds and said
New York
how did you know
I can feel the Statue Of Liberty
after a while where are we now
again hand threw the clouds
Paris
I can feel the Eifel Tower
A while past where are we now
hand threw the clouds
Gateshead
dont tell me you can feel the Angel of the North
No some Bast*rd's nicked me watch.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,647
Talk Morgan Enthusiast
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Talk Morgan Enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,647 |
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows,
twenty quid is twenty quid!
Jaguar F-Type V6s roadster
2009 Harley Davidson XR1200
1986 Honda VFR750F (RC24)
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,014
Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
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Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,014 |
I think I will stick to my humour . A call left on A.Machine Y/Day about house contents insurance due end of month . The woman started out with a high shot on the phone today I got her laughing for a good while and it kept dropping to just a fraction above last year, deed done.
Last edited by Jack The Lad; 04/10/12 12:06 PM.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,647
Talk Morgan Enthusiast
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Talk Morgan Enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,647 |
AAADD - Know the Symptoms
I will put my hand up - I am an A.A.A.D.D sufferer.
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! Don't laugh it’s not
funny, seriously.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:-
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
picked up from the post man earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take
out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot
the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table
so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I
don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Jaguar F-Type V6s roadster
2009 Harley Davidson XR1200
1986 Honda VFR750F (RC24)
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468 |
For the Golfers - not me it spoils a good walk  FEHERTY - CBS GOLF ANNOUNCER David Feherty, CBS and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind... probably always on time delay these days. Feherty Quotes: "Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body." "That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon." "I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife." "They don't do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It's like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head." On Jim Furyk's swing - "It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree." "He's (Luke Donald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500." Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more ba**s than Elton John's chin." "That's a great shot with that swing." "It's OK - the bunker stopped it." At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it." "That was a great shot - if they'd put the pin there today." "Everything moves except his bowels." "Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff." "That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".
2009 4/4 Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Connaught Green +8 prev
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468 |
An Important Message About Growing Old * * * * * * * * *ugger!! I forgot what I was going to tell you ... 
2009 4/4 Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Connaught Green +8 prev
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