Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

fantastic

Had one of those things happen to me with my first car. Found out about it when the brakes didn't work. Fortunately going slowly, rolled through a red light, around a corner and eventually stopped against a fence with no damage. Walked around the car to see the wheel hanging out from the diff just like in this shot.

A Morgan mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of an Aero when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in the garage. The heart surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at
this?" The heart surgeon, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Aero. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?


The heart surgeon paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the engine running."

Mills & Boone .?


He was in ecstacy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward , then backwards, forward, then backwards again back and

forth, back and forth ........ in and out ... in and out.

Her heart was pounding... her face was flushed... then she moaned, softly at first , then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted .













"OK, OK! 1 CAN'T park the car! You do it , you SMUG bastard!"

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray , twice a day, every day , for a long time .
So she went to check him out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was , walking slowly up to the holy site . She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes , when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebbeca Smith from CNN what's your name?"
"Morris Fienburg ", he replied .
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For 60 years".
"For 60 years! That's amazing! " What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between Christians , Jews, and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop . I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man . I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests. ".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"











"Like I'm talking to a bloody wall ".

I took a trip to the the Whaling wall and was very nearly there when this guy stops me and says "Whats with the harpoon then"

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

You gotta larf innit ! Getting closer to Frietag

Thanks for sharing, very entertaining and a good English lesson as well.

Excellent. I also particularly treasure Ernest Bevin's remark about Herbert Morrison (Peter Mandelson's Grandpa). When an MP said to Bevin "Morrison is his own worst enemy", he replied, "Not while I'm alive he ain't."

A classic