Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

You've started me now....

Point of view?


Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice
cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated
some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful
than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up
with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is
the reason for my conclusion a year or so after giving birth, a woman will
often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.


Case closed.

+1

IRISH Woman 999 Call

Irish Women its my F**king Husband, iv accidently shot him, i think iv F**king killed him,

Operator: "Please calm down ma'm....can you please make sure he's actually dead"

*click* ..BANG

Irish Woman: "Okay. iv done that......what now ?

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called; SMURF SEX . This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ; KITCHEN SEX . This is when you have been with your partner for a short time , and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen .

The 3rd kind of sex is called ; BEDROOM SEX .This is when you have been with your partner a long time . You still have sex occasionally - and if you do , you only have it in your bedroom .

The 4th kind of sex is called ; HALLWAY SEX .This is when you been with your partner to long . When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you '

The 5th kind of sex is called ; RELIGIOUS SEX. Which means you get Nun in the morning , Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night , ( Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called COURTROOM SEX. This is when you cannot stand your wife / husband anymore . He/She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone .

And last but not least ,

The 7th kind of sex is called PENSION SEX. You get a little each month . But not enough to enjoy yourself .


PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN .

I have enough problems of my own .

Enjoying the flurry of jokes this evening lads

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,'
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his
shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he
also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why
the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was
the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his
spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead
of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging
out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the
waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?'


"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in
the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Excellent. That wasn't by any chance the same restaurant that I heard about this week that is offering on it's menu "The Brokeback Burger - a bit of meat between two buns."

Best avoid that Place .... it would bring a new meaning to dining out

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

My name is Charlotte, i am 9, my Dad said i could put one of my jokes on here.


Teacher:
Johnny, can you give me a sentence with a direct object?

Johnny:
You're beautiful,sir.

teacher:
Thanks Johnny,but what was the object?

Johnny:
A good report at the end of term.