Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Pistorius selected for Smallbore prone in next Olympics after a recent trial

B&Q are being taken to court about the flooring they sell , apparently they found traces of laminate !!!.


I nervously inserted a finger: It felt warm and wet . "I'm gonna need more than that , " she said . Taking a breath , I then put 3 fingers in . " Go on get your hole hand in , " she demanded . I wanted to please her , so I did what she said : I was really sweating now . " It's no good , you'll have to put both hands in " . I closed my eyes & thrust forward with my other hand & she let out a scream . " There you go , it's not that bloody hard doing the washing up.!!!!!!

Paddy's wife is involved in a bad car crash....In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy gook. The worried doctor asks Paddy,

"is she fully compus mentus?"

"No," says Paddy, "is she f@@k! She's just third party, fire and theft!"

Just been down Coronation Street, saw Kevin Webster in his Garage, he was working on a 13 year old escort.

Investigators suspect Oscar Pistorious may be innocent, as they have found foot-prints outside his Villa.

Wearing a MINI Skirt

Contamination latest......

Traces of donkey found in 11 Portsmouth players

(okay, so I'm a saints fan)

> It was only a matter of time!!!
>
> A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers
> from tesco
> Her condition is said to be stable
>
> So they have found a Horse burger in tesco.
> What's next, My Lidl pony?
>
> Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
> Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
> So I had a £5 each way !
>
> Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the
> pony that she's always wanted!
>
> Had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....
> I still have a bit between my teeth
>
> Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco.
> Just tell them HMV means 'Horse Meat Voucher'
>
> Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn
>
> Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
>
> "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"
>
> I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."
>
> I guess Tesco just listened.
>
> Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
> confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
>
> A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
> Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
>
> I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
>
> These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a
> dead.. NO! NO NO NO!
>
> Said to the Mrs these tesco burgers given me terrible trots
>
> To beef or not to beef.
> That is equestrian.

> An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said
> "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
> "1st - Who was born in a stable?"
> "Red Rum" he replied
> "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
> "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
> "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
> "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked seven bells out of them!!"

Old but still funny...


1. Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.. ..

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.