Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Time is like a river.

You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of a life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

Three Freebees

The Madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the Madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "New Brunswick."

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick."

"I know." the man said. "Your Sister died, and I am her Attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
.
.
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The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a Lawyer!

Northerners Sent to me by a Cockney mate !

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting. He
enquired of God,

'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled
and said,

'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example,
North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South
America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot,
and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be
extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of
land and asked,

'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England , the most glorious place on
earth.


There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North
West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest
artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people
from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous
and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely
sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout
the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,

'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely,



'Wait till you see the bunch of to88ers I'm putting down South to Govern the
country !'

P.M.S.L.

Always glad to be of service - have a good weekend.

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Three Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into
A room, everyone says 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the thre men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies,

"I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24"WAIST and

36"HIPS.


When she walks into a room, people say, "Je8u8 Chr1st ! ".

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.


When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!



You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!

If you go out to the woods today, in you're in for a big surprise.

BAPTISING AN IRISHMAN

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

Reminds me of the one about the drunk who knocks on the door of the salvation army to ask for a bed for the night. The Sally Army officer who opens the door to him says "Maybe we can fit you in. Do you love Jesus?" The drunk replies "Certainly I do. Especially those little round red dutch cheeses".