Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, " God bless Mommy , God bless Daddy , God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked , " Why did you say good-bye Grandpa."

The little girl said, " I dont know daddy , it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, " this kid is in contact with the other side ."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say . " God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office .

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay . He felt safe in his office .

So instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed their , drinking coffee .

Looking at his watch and jumping at every sound . Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home .

When he got home his wife said , " I've never seen you work so late .

What's the matter ?"

He said , " I don't want to talk about it , I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said , " You think you had a bad day , you'll never belive what happened to me .

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of a lesson|"

A woman taking her dog for a walk along a beach, comes acroiss a man buried upto his neck in the sand.

"Can you help dig me out?" He asks.
"Of course" she says, going off and coming back with a small beach spade.
"You'll need something bigger than that" he says "I'm still sat on the donkey"



Bud
__________
2003 - 4/4

The late Great Dave Allen on Banks

Not for the easily offended Banker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5y_gE1Rb1Y

THE FAMILY DINNER PARTY

We held a dinner party for the whole family: everyone was encouraged to bring all their children.



During the meal, my four-year-old niece, sitting across the table from me, continually stared at me.



She could hardly eat her food for staring…….



I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing I did stopped her staring at me.



I tried my best to simply ignore her, but finally it was too much for me and I finally asked her…….



Why are you staring at me……..!



Everyone at the table had noticed her strange behaviour and they all went quiet waiting for her response.



She looked at me solemnly and said………!



I'm just waiting to see how you Drink Like a Fish……!!!

Thanks for that! Yes he was brilliant. Cheers

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and

to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so

Out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.

Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.

The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.

This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.

The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque

who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and

they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."