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From today's Daily Mirror...

Dave’s Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Fringe Festival 2013

1. Rob Auton - “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”

2. Alex Horne - “I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.”

3. Alfie Moore - “I’m in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same.”

4. Tim Vine - “My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.”

5. Gary Delaney - “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.”

6. Phil Wang - “The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.”

7. Marcus Brigstocke - “You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.”

8. Liam Williams - “The universe implodes. No matter.”

9. Bobby Mair - “I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.”

10. Chris Coltrane - “The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.”

Some of the worst one-liners voted for include
Simon Lilley - “I thought ex-pats were people who used to be called Pat.”

Geoff Norcott - “My wife said to me recently, ‘Do you fancy going gay clubbing?’ I said, ‘No, it sounds violent’.”

Tim Vine - “I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”

Ben Van Der Velde - “Swastika in Geordie means something that used to be a sticker.”

Nikhil Tiwali - “What do you call a pink flower that comes back from the dead? A re-in-carnation.”

Pat Cahill - “90 per cent of baking injuries are stress-related. There are people up and down the country having mental bake-downs.”

Update on Monica Lewinsky


After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a Mirror...


remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...

"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she Prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!


Touching story, isn't it!!

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

Again, the old guy says, '99'.

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

"One.... two… three…"

Mary goes to Wickes

Charlie was installing a new door

and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go
to WICKES DIY and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,

her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap.

When the manager was finished,

Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is £450.00.

Mary exclaimed,

"My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap.

It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled.

"Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"


Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,

"No, but I will for the Bath Tap."


This is why you can't send a woman to

WICKES.

How true.

I was once asked off an elderly lady with a walking stick
" How much is your biggest black non drip Durex "( Dulux )
The store was full and went silent you could hear a pin drop , all waiting for my reply . I gave the price then the item turned to a member of staff and said " you take over " . Walked out the back and ROTFL .

Also asked off another youngish girls for my biggest white silk Durex . I kept a straight face as I looked her in the eyes . She was starting to change colour shot me the cash grabbed the tin and off .

Along with a woman in her early 40s who asked had I any booklets on dildo rail ( dado rail ) . Her husband had told her to ask for that she said.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.”Bugger that” says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going down the pub with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to the pub with me? .....

This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I 'm putting my f......g shoes on!"

Mensa Question for a chosen few .




You are on a horse , galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you .

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?.

See answer below.






















Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round.

A group of Guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to the city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their golf club. She overheard them talking about their golf round. She said, " You know I used to play on my golf team in college and was good.. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early- at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said okay. She smilled and said , " good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45".

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person , and the guys were impressed . Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp . Only this time , she played left-handed . The guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed .

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.... They invited her back again, but each man had a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their games faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the club house, all three guys were shaking their heads .
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.
They had a couple of beers, and finally one of the men asked her point blank, " How do you decide if you're going to golf right or left handed ?"

The lady blushed , and grinned, "That's easy ," she said . " When my dad taught me to play golf , I learned I was ambidextrous, . I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college , I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on , I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practise, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information , one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minuted late".