Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

The top 50 jokes that are sure to split your sides
1. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs - Peter Kay
2. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off - Tommy Cooper
3. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin - Tommy Cooper
4. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Peter Kay
5. 'Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day' - John Bishop
6. We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun - Rowan Atkinson
7. I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again - Unknown Origin
8. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them - Steve Martin
9. I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel - Rowan Atkinson
10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice - Tim Vine
11. 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die - Bill Murray
12. Why do men get married? So they don’t have to hold-in their stomachs any more - Unknown Origin
13. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative - Ricky Gervais
14. Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect - Benny Hill
15. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant - Tommy Cooper
16. I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy - Tommy Cooper
17. To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can’t run - Milton Jones
18. Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn’t wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow. - Will Ferrell
19. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato - Will Ferrell
20. Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yeah, I thought so - Unknown Origin
21. I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20’s and I’ve only been in three fights. Not a bad average - John Bishop
22. I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail - Unknown Origin
23. My friend keeps telling me I’m in the closet. I just say it’s Narnia business - Will Ferrell
24. I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine - Bill Bailey
25. Bob Geldof...no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years - Russell Brand
26. What’s black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill - Unknown Origin
27. Are there any medium rappers? They’re always big or lil - Unknown Origin
28. I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them - Emo Phillips
29. I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?' - Peter Kay
30. My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought ‘I’ve got the better deal here’...1 Your sister - Michael McIntyre
31. I’m a post-modern vegetarian: I eat meat - ironically - Bill Bailey
32. So I said to a Scotsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’ - Unknown Origin
33. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any - Tommy Cooper
34. Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly - Tim Vine
35. My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards - Sarah Millican
36. I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them - Emo Phillips
37. I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich - Unknown Origin
38. I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich' - Tommy Cooper
39. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic - Unknown Origin
40. I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’ - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid - Jack Whitehall
41. Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food? - Unknown Origin
42. How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener - Kevin Hart
43. If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps? - Russell Brand
44. You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks - Stewart Francis
45. A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number one, have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went...and finally, question number 10' - Lee Mack
46. You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts. Man: and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link? - Unknown Origin
47. Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can’t believe it actually worked - Unknown Origin
48. Dyslexic man walks into a bra - Unknown Origin
49. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever - Milton Jones
50. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister - Will Marsh

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18 hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and trys to write with it . When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:


"Well, that's great..... that's just great....... some arsehole's got my pen!"

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet up for lunch

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress.
She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms . They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she gratuated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon . Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17 , she ran off with her boyfriend , Mark . They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow there own vegetables . Mark can stand five parrots , side by side , on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later ,
Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco , they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friends honesty , explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home . They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg

-A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met
anotherFarmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
-The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
- The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the
onlyvehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

-

-While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

-The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

- The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again andproceeded
to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out. The next morning he was too tired to get
out of bed. He called to his wife,

-"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or inthe grass."

-

-"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn".

The BritishPenny

EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 .
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

A wife of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the
doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went.' It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised
and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-
bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and
there - passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean
the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll
never be able to show me face in Marks and Spencers again!'

End of world prank.

A trifle mean for the job interviewees - but clever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cer8I4cX-vs

I wonder if it really was a prank or if they were all actors. Clever advertisement in any case.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Now that's good!