Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

+1

It does make you wonder if people listen to the clues let alone the questions!

BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)


Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)


Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester


BBC NORFOLK


Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )


Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France

Trelinski:
France is another country Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.







THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)


Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )


DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE


Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?





GWR FM ( Bristol )


Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)


Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY


Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY


Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:
Er .. ......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:
Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN


Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)


Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )


Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)


Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)


James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )


Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )


Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)


Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)


Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... .... ...
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:
Walked?


THE VAULT


Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)


Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.

There was a brilliant one of those on a Birmingham station years ago.... The contestant was played a clip of Murray Walker and asked to identify who it was. She had no idea, so the DJ said "well it is the same name as something you'd suck" (meaning Murray Mints)..... "Oh, Dicky Davies" was the response!

Class, Neilda, Class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Black and White?


(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)


You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.



My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.




We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.

We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!




We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.


Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.









To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.

AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.

I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!






Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.



AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!

Very good Richard. What a shame you couldn't post it so that the brass band rendition of the music from Dvorak's new world symphony (the hovis advertisement tune) plays in the background as you read it...

Police in Liverpool today pulled over a Scouser and were amazed when the car was Taxed and Insured and wasn't stolen.
There was no drugs or weapons in the car, the car wasn't an illegal Taxi and the driver wasn't pi@@ed or stoned and also had a valid driving Licence with no points.

A police spokesman said they had no choice other than to fine the Guy £80 for wasting Police time

There is a lot of truth in that list.

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.


A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."