Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
What were you thinking ……..

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?'
'What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "Oh good. So, it has a penis and a brain."

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies . He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list , but I have no room for you .You definitely have to stay here, so I will tell you what I'm going to do . I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you were. I'll let one of them go , but you have to take the place . I'll even let YOU decide who leaves. "

Obama thought that sounded pretty good , so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water, Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty-handed. Over, and over and over, he dived in and surfaced with nothing . Such was his fate in hell

"No," Obama said . "I don't think so . I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long".

The devil lead him to the next room .

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks . All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on a bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief , and finally said, " Yeah man , guess I can handle this."

The devil smilled and said........

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, " I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane". Why you gonna wear demfo? the other two asked . The first replied, " Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cornfield , dey gonna find me first".
The second lady said, "Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties." "Why you gonna wear dem ?" the others asked . The second lady answered , " Cause if dis hare plane is goin" down and I be floatin butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
The third lady says, "Well, I aint gonna wear no panties ... What? No panties" the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da black box first".

Bad Fireworks!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luzFZ-PeJuY

News: Lamborghini turns 50.

And like most 50 years olds, it brought itself a Porsche!

I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs so I called the RSPCA.

"That's terrible", the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure to be honest", I said. "But it would explain the suitcase."

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."

"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

Ha! Ha! Its Saturday night Dean - you need to get out more.

Had a night out with the lads round wakefield last night (so still have hangover) got in at 2.30am had a right bollocking off

Did you say you have a motorhome? any pics?