Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

A school friend’s dad was an undertaker. He used to wind people up by looking them up and down as if working out a coffin size.
My grandad used to make coffins for him. He used to take me into the workshop when I was a toddler. It was my job to straighten out bent nails...waste not want not!

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its bill withers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays.

😆

Five Aussie surgeons from big cities are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Perth, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is co lour coded."
The third surgeon, from Adelaide , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Sydney chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened
to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our
golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking
around I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it
- stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my
wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

I don't remember much after that

A mate of mine asked what it’s like being married.
I said it’s a bit like owning a swimming pool.
Very expensive for the amount of time you spend inside it.

Shiiiiiissssshhhhh

I was in a shoe shop and tried on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight"
He replied "Try it with the tongue out"
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight"