Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

We must root out these silly puns and canal our efforts to get a better bite on the real issues.

Seems like we've flossed our way.

You really know the drill when it comes to dentistry puns Edwin.

As it happens, I went to the dentist's today.

He asked me to say aaaaaah. I asked why. He replied that his dog had died.

I read about the dentist dog's drowning demise in the newspaper this morning. It was sad to hear that the poor little dandy dinmont terrier fell into the community well due to a poorly tossed stick. In order to protect the local water supply it was necessary for the fire department to perform an emergency canine extraction!

I imagine he was quite down in the mouth over the loss of his dog. Will he put a little plaque on the well? That would help to brace him up.

Perhaps a brass reproduction of the headline?

Dandy Drowns, Dentist Frowns

I went to a Bee keeper on the way home and brought a bag of a dozen Bees.
When I got home and opened the bag in the garden there was 13 so being an honest chap I called him up and told him of his error.

"Not an error" he said "Its a Freebee

The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves te needle.

Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted.
The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.
I'm an engineer" says the American, "So I'll handle building a shelter".
He turns to the Frenchman and says "You French are pretty good cooks - why don't you handle the cooking?"
The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies.
The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up"
The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."
The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since."
They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his arse and shouts: "SUPPLIES!!"

Knock knock.

Who's there?

AHH

AHH Who?

Werewolves of London.



Love that song...one of the best opening lines ever.