Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver....

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two inferior cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving license, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

One night an elderly couple was getting ready for bed.
The husband put on his pyjamas and went straight to bed.
His wife was still busy in the bathroom.
Suddenly she came into the bedroom stark naked and said: 'What do you think about this?'
The husband replied; 'I can't exactly see what you are wearing, but it definitely is in need of some iron.'

So true as Trump says.

One for our more concerned members. Don't forget the spare as well.

The Johnson and Johnson ruling makes me realize that Oscar Hammerstein got the lyric wrong in “oh what a beautiful morning”.

It’s not the grass that’s as high as an elephant’s eye - it’s the people.

CHECK FOR ALZHEIMER'S - PRETTY AMAZING


The following was developed as a mental assessment age assessment by the school of Psychiatry at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake .
The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it !


1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat..
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet resist passing it on .

Brilliant.......& yes, failed!!!!

"Holy Prostitutes "

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye .... It reads:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES.

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination
and drives on without second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him
and he pulls into the drive .on the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS

he climbs the steps and rings the bell .
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "what may we do for you my son ? "

He answers , "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business ..."

"Very well my son . Please follow me ". He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented . The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man , "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit , holding a tin cup answers the door ... This nun instructs , Please place 100 pound in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway ".

He puts 100 pound in the cup , eagerly eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him .

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:



GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT , YOU SINNER.