Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

The pedant in me feels obliged to point out that this should be 0Mg

Giles,
yes it stumped me for a while. I got it now.

Saw this on Facebook. I thought it was quite accurate.

Tim


What it's like to be British (Joanne Johnson)

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

That is very accurate Tim.

Benefits of a good Vocabulary !

I called an old engineering mate of mine
and asked "what he was working on"
these days .
He replied that he was working on
"Aqua - thermal treatment of ceramics,
Aluminium and steel under a constrained environment"


I was impressed until , upon further
inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes under his wife's supervision .





NOTICE TO STAFF

will ladies please
Rinse out tea pots
then stand upside down
in sink
on no account
must hot bottoms
be placed
on the work tops.

[quote=Jack The Lad]Benefits of a good Vocabulary !

I called an old engineering mate of mine
and asked "what he was working on"
these days .
He replied that he was working on
"Aqua - thermal treatment of ceramics,
Aluminium and steel under a constrained environment"


I was impressed until , upon further
inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes under his wife's supervision .[quote]

Years ago my wife gave me a refrigerator magnet.
"No woman ever shot a man whilst he was washing dishes"
After 23 years, I'm still alive to prove it correct!

That is so so true.
Having restored many classic and vintage bikes I can vouch for that saying.

I can laugh now ...but at the time....grrrr!!

And usually when I thought “ I will just finish this bit...”!

Went out to SWMBO JN'RS on Friday evening on way home spotted a Christmas tree lit up in a front patio HELL ITS ONLY THE 8th of November . Some people kill the meaning of it .

Many long boats were symetrical. Thereby removing the need to turn the boat around. The oarsmen would simply turn about face and row again.
Not all boats had a drum to dictate the rowing pace.Many had a very heavy gong which produced the desired effect.
To facilitate movement of the gong from one end to the other, the following procedure was applied. Several of the slave oarsmen were made to lie on their backs lengthways down the centre of the boat. Their chests were then covered in tallow. The gong was then pushed along over their chests to the opposite end. To speed up this procedure,the rest of the crew had to sing this song.
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>"We're sliding a gong on the chest of a slave!"