Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

Did you hear about the anaesthetist who couldn’t decide whether to knock out his patients with gas or with a boat paddle?


It was an Ether/Oar situation.

HEY TEACHER....leave those kids alone. Pink Floyd, fantastic group.

SOSPAN.... reminds of the Kate and Edith story....(for another time perhaps)

The sun is shining and I've bodged a repair to the netting on our fruit cage, so I thought we deserved a set of bad, short jokes.
Some aren't PC and some you may have heard before but there are a few gems in there.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening”.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5 and 10p coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in their back in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

I've got a friend who's nickname is "Shagger" you might think that pretty cool...She doesn't.

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes to the Mafia, I was involved with very organized crime.

The first few weeks of weight watchers, you're just finding your feet.

We are all Gods children, so what's so special about Jesus.

“That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind”

Natural selection in action.

I have the missing cover....

A young man goes to his wise old Father and shares his dilemma....he knows he should settle down, choose a wife, start a family....put down roots. He tells his Father he has two lovely girls that might make suitable spouses, but cannot decide. His wise, and tolerant, Father asks him to explain. One gal is named Kate, she is lovely beyond words, she has a gorgeous body, a heavenly face, and...blushing...says...a wonderful, talented, and giving lover. His Father nods, pulls on his pipe and asks....what is wrong with her? Son adds...she is dumb as a post. He continues … The other gal is named Edith. She is tall, athletic, a great cook, well educated, comes from a great family, and a friend to all she meets. Father asks the same question...what is wrong with her? Son adds.... she hates sex.

The Father ponders all that he has heard and suggests that his son delay the nuptials… And says... perhaps you can have your Kate and Edith too.