Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

Uphill dealing ?

My mate texted me "Who sang 'That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I really love your tiger feet?"

I replied "Mud!"

He texted back "That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right...."

Yorkshire proof readers.

Fighting t'war on t'error.

Thas reet lad

My missus thinks I'm immature and that we should set aside a day to sit down and talk about it.
Yeah - like that's going to happen in the middle of the conker season.

Just gave the postman a fright by going to the door naked.
I'm not sure which shocked him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.


I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.


My doctor's diagnosed me as being paranoid.
He didn't actually say it, but I know that's what he was thinking.



He thinks I've got CDO as well.
He called it OCD, but I think it looks better with the letters arranged in alphabetical order.



I was in the pub tonight when I heard a commotion at the other end of the bar.
A friend pushed his way out of the crowd and said "You've got to help, I've got two girls fighting over me"
"So what's the problem ?" I asked
"The fat one's winning"



I was speaking to an ornithologist the other day who saying extra rain in the summer caused by climate change was stopping Owls being able to attract a mate. Apparently it's too wet to woo.



I had an argument with a lollipop lady this morning.
She made me cross.

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits at the counter and notices Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae right aheid."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too.

PMSL at the mouse

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies
out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to
spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and
says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the
ground with a dick like that."

Welsh Joke
Two 90 year old men, Dai and Emrys, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Emrys is dying, Dai visits him every day. One day Dai says, 'Emrys, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'
Emrys looks up at Dai from his death bed,' Dai, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Emrys passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Dai is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Dai--Dai.'
'Who is it? Asks Dai sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Dai--it's me, Emrys.'
'You're not Emrys. Emrys just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Emrys,' insists the voice.'
'Emrys! Where are you?'
'In heaven', replies Emrys. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' says Dai.
The good news,' Emrys says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' says Dai. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're in the team for Tuesday.'