Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"

Why do women prefer s*x with a man who is circumcised .

They cant resist something with 10% off.

SWMBO said the tone of jokes is becoming more bawdier as the day gets longer must have something to do with the vino she said

AN AUSSIE stockman and his wife had just got married. He’d left everything till the last minute so they found a nice hotel after their wedding and hoped to wing it. The man approached the front desk and said, “We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed.”
The clerk winked and asked, “You want the bridal?”
The drover reflected on this for a moment and replied, “Nah, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”

An old pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his flight suit and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.....I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

The Wife said she would love to go and see the Jeremy Kile show, so i got her sister pregnant....... we are on on Tuesday.

Nice one

Glad you spotted my deliberate mistake in the tongue in cheek title - that's what happens when it's getting late.

I said to the Misses " i am going to the Pub, get your coat on" She said " ah good am i coming" no you silly women i am turning the heating off

The knocked on the door the other day,

Good evening Sir, do you know your dog is chasing everybody on a bike.

Take the bike off it i said