Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Whats the differance between a G-Spot and a golf ball ?

a bloke will search for a golf ball .



What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

they both like a tight seal



What is the difference between 'oooooooh' and aaaaaaaaaah?

about 3 inches .



How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

I'ts not hard.



Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.



What is the difference between medium and rare ?

5 inches is medium , 9 inches is rare.



Do you know how Welshmen practice safe sex

They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick !



What's is the height of conceit?

Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q= What's the difference between "light" and "hard"

A= You can sleep with the light on

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid folks because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

"Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy:
"We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."


Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy"
he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet"

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here, boy," he replies.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know"
says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

Some of you who are golfers will understand the need to have a good grip.
golfer's grip


--

Particularly with you in mind Giles - an oldie but goodie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rDo_ZBxKXw&list=PLC3B8F18D488663AC&index=87

Firmly tongue in cheek this one...

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well last weekend, I was out for an evening with friends and had
several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling rather jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved me past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Have a great (and sober if you are driving) Christmas

Nice one

"Ed and Ted were out walking in the woods one afternoon when they came across a an old well. Peering in they realised that they could not see the bottom. "I wonder how deep it is?" Ed said.
Ted said: "Drop a stone in and count the seconds before it hits the water - that'll be how many feet deep it is." So they look around for a suitable stone and drop it into the well. Nothing happened. There was no sound at all. Ted said: "Try something bigger."
So Ed looked around and found a large rock and threw that into the well, but there was still no sound. Ted said: "Try something really big."

Ed looked around and stumbled across a railway sleeper which he dragged to the well and dropped it in. Still nothing.
As they craned over the hole there was a furious rustling in the undergrowth behind them. The two men turned in time to see a goat charging directly towards them. They hit the ground as the goat launched itself and disappeared down the well.
A little while later, on their way home they met a farmer wandering around the wood. He seemed quite agitated and came right up to the two men and asked if either of them had seen a goat that day.

"We have as a matter of fact," said Ted. "We damn near was knocked into the deepest well I ever saw by a rampaging goat. Lucky for us we got out of the way in time and the goat fell into the well instead."





"Well that couldn't have been my goat," the farmer said. "I tied mine to a railway sleeper!"

Made me laugh

I'm laughing too! Cheers Graham.