Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Ok here's another one I received this morning, so it's a cut and paste job...here go's.......


FROM ROLLS ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story...

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken."

Jesus was walking about up in heaven fed up he wanted to go back down to earth . So he popped along to see his dad get yourself down the job centre lad see whats on offer .
At the job centre a man said who are you
Jesus
Whats your profession
Carpenter
Great your lucks in we have 1 job in Aberdeen that pays £100/- per week and one job in Jerusalem that pays £1000/- per week
Smashing he said I will have the one in Aberdeen ,
What are you mad £100/- per week , its bitter cold , poor diet and you cant understand them go for the one in Jerusalem
No I want the one in Aberdeen,
Why.
I used to work in Jerusalem
and they hammered me with tacks ( tax )

A man walks into a pub with a crock on a lead .
the barman squeals get that out of here it will get my customers .
Its harmless
get it out
look I will show you
he opens its mouth pulls his zip down and pops his willy into its mouth everyone is aghast
he thumps it on the head , then again and again and one last huge thump . Nothing . He pops it back in his trousers shuts the crock's mouth .
Turns to the barman and said told you its safe
Wow he said never seen anything like it .
The man then turns to the people in the pub would anyone like a go .
A woman at the back said yes me I would like a go but dont hit me on the head so hard .

( By the way my mother told me that one when in her late 70s )

I wounder if any one heard the Radio2 news yesterday, i missed his name but obviously there is a big Golfing event going on in America, the irish golf (quote) said its a bit quite here where as when i do something good back in Irland they go off like a BOMB he obviously didn't release what he has said.

Don't worry about tomorrow, you already did that yesterday

Interesting facts on investments.


If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
would have £49.00 today

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have
£33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
would have £0.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you
would have £0.00 today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tescos,
drank all the beer,then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer,
you
would have received £214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle.



And then..........................


A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a
year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British.

Not being average, I think I probably get around 22...

You got a heavy right foot too then Graham I know the feeling

SWMBO Jnr was doing a subject at school , Dad am I 50% of you and 50% of mam . Yes, Oh that means I am 50% of Guinness old and wrinkled ( the me bit ) . Nice child. So I kept a note of what I drank for a full year in my diary , less than a 1/2 pint a week . Now she has past her teen's I can rub in the old git , fart bit she is 21 in Jan what goes round comes round.