Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

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Simon?

Only in Britain...Complaints to Councils

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and
fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just
plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third,
so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

Where have you been all these years, that's Council tenant vocabulary, didn't you know.


Visited one of my Tenants this evening because there is a panic button in the bedroom, she wants it disconnecting because her 3yr old keeps pressing the button and setting off the alarm.

Hasn't got the mence to wack the kid and tell her stop its naughty.


Sent the gas fitter to do a flush and service on another property last week, when he arrived at the office to report repairs and collect payment, he duly informed that Tenant had got out of bed to answer door, let him in, laid down on the couch in front of him and went to sleep. Snoring away whilst the fitter carried out his work.

Amazing

Similar problems with our tenants over the years. So as a tenant leaves a property we have the intruder alarm removed.

Tell the new tenants if they want an alarm it's no problems if they want to have one fitted at their own expense but they have to have the alarm removed when the tenancy is terminated and the property reinstated to it's original condition. That now forms part of the tenancy agreement.

That's another headache we don't have to deal with.

Seriously though what will this country be like in 50 years ??

Just more stuffed than it is already...

I love a squeaky frog me!

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/02/18/squeaking-frog-cute-funny-video_n_2709652.html

Me too, and so much easier to eat than a horse.

One for the Neandertals amongst us sent to me by a good lady friend with a great sense of humour.

>> 1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
>> Marry It!
>>
>> 2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>> A battery has a positive side.
>>
>> 6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
>> Nothing, she's been told twice already.
>>
>> 7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
>> Made her chain too long
>>
>> 8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
>> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
>>
>> 9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>>
>> 10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
>> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
>>
>> 11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
>> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>>
>> 12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
>> It's called a Wedding Cake.
>>
>> 13 - Why do men die before their wives?
>> Because they want to.
>>
>> Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who don't own a gun
I'll PM 3,4 & 5 if you would like them.

HI I THINK WE CAN ALL IDENTIFY WITH THIS ONE

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!
"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's,40's, 50's, and 60's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter,milk from the cow,and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/dvd films, or colour TV, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating .

We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.

Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !


And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

My life described in one post, except the large gap at the end.............