Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

A man goes to confession and says, "forgive me Father", for i have sind, i made love to 21yr old Twin sisters, in positions that i think are illegal, over and over again."

The Priest thinks for a few seconds and replies, "buy 2 lemons....squeeze the juice into a Glass and then drink it.

"Will this cleanse me of my sin?. Asks the Man.

"No" says the Priest "but it will wipe that f**king big smile off your face you jammy B*st*rd

WINDOWS VS. FORD

Whoever wrote this definately deserves a plum as we accept this dictatorial nonsense willingly and it costs us dearly - akin to the taxman as far as I'm concerned

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives........ read on.
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> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
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> "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
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> In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating :

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
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> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
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> 2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
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> 3...Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
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> 4... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
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> 5...Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
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> 6... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
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> I love the next one!!!
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> 7.. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
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> 8... Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
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> 9.... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
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> 10.... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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> PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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> Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes, oftentimes - hate their computer!


--
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Eleanor Roosvelt

It must be Love

> This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
> When she went before the judge in Windsor he asked her, "What did you steal?"
> She replied, "A can of peaches.."
>
> The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
> and she replied that she was hungry.
>
> The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
> She replied, "6."
>
> The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
>
> Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up
> and asked the judge if he could say something.
>
> The judge said, "What is it?"
>
> The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Point 10 does apply to a lot of modern cars - MINI being just one...

Nice Irish Setter too - most appropriate.

Exactly. I love the dog's aloof expression.

Qu. Why don't owls have sex in the rain?

Ans. Because it's too wet to woo!

Qu. Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
Ans To keep their nuts dry.