A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting , he looked up and said, " grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven ?! Grandma replied , " honey, my TV is my boyfriend . I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. ...I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend .!
Grandma turned on the TV , and the reception was horrid . She started adjusting the knobs , trying to get the picture in focus . Frustrated , she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the door bell ring , so he hurried to open the door and their sttod Grandma's vicar . The vicar said , " hello son is your grandma home ?".
The little boy replied , " yes , she's in the bedroom bangin ' her boyfriend " .
The goverment today announced that it is changing the symbol on all Government documents to a CONDOM , because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance and does not specify particular party allegiances.
A condom allows for inflation , halts production , destroys the next generation , protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!.
> WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE > > > Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. > > The only question asked was: > > "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food > shortage in the rest of the world?" > > > The survey was a massive failure because of the following: > > 1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. > > 2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. > > 3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. > > 4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. > > 5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. > > 6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. > > 7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. > > 8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the 888888 accent.
2009 4/4 Henrietta 1999 Indigo Blue +8 2009 4/4 Sport Green prev 1993 Connaught Green +8 prev
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said. " This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you , and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you". She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will praise you !. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it'.
Adam asked God , " What will a women like this cost?" God replied . " An arm and a leg."
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES Pasta had not been invented. Curry was a surname. A takeaway was a mathematical problem. A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower. Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time. All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not. A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter. Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner. A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining. Brown bread was something only poor people ate. Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green. Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh. Only Heinz made beans. Fish didn't have fingers in those days. Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi. None of us had ever heard of yoghurt. Healthy food consisted of anything edible. People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy. Indian restaurants were only found in India. Cooking outside was called camping. Seaweed was not a recognised food. "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food. Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Prunes were medicinal. Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed. Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one. Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock. The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!
2009 4/4 Henrietta 1999 Indigo Blue +8 2009 4/4 Sport Green prev 1993 Connaught Green +8 prev
You know it makes sense! 
