Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

On November 9th a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on the interstate highway when they saw a girl about to jump off a freeway bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George was a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past a State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to commit suicide," was the reply.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked...

"Well, before you jump why dont you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that..and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed by another one.

After she's finished, George gets the approval from his group, the onlookers and even the State Trooper, and he says, "Wow. That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting there Sugar shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

I was visiting the daughter and son-in-law of a friend the other night.

When I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st Century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers and all that old fashioned nonsense! Here you can borrow my i-pad."

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit him.

Last one -

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said..

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
Things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
And screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is
There anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
Woman in the front of the plane.

Then the man from Australia stood up
In the rear of the plane.


He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
Eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
As he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped....


Then, he spoke to the woman...
'Iron this will you -- and then get me a beer.

A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble:

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT) and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala., who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double-checked and, sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Snowing in Glasgow

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park......." Then the power went off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"


Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied
"Why don't you just leave the bl88dy car in the garage this time?"

The secret of enjoying a good wine.


1/. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe


2/. If it does not look like it's breathing ,

give it mouth-to-mouth.

For all those of you still at the sharp end (I feel like I'm nearly out of the woods as my two both have just over a year to go before they graduate...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz0dvPZhaTU