Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

When the urge to sing antipodean songs comes upon you Graham, it's probably better to stick to Waltzing Matilda rather than Tie me Kangaroo down for the time being (in view of recent events).

At the risk of offending our Aussie friends, I've always thought Waltzing Matilda ('tho maybe just the tune, with some fresh lyrics) would have been a far more jolly National Anthem than Advance Australia Fair.

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country .

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody, bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in

The North Sea.


Our

DIPSTICKS are located in Westminister!!!!!!!!

Any Questions??
NO? I didn't think so!!

Pandy,

No offense
This was probably the feelings of a majority of Aussies at the time but from my point of view I think Advance Australia Fair has now taken hold and it seems to fit the bill. It must be sung with gusto though

Gusto, of course, being that famous brown sauce

Quite frankly Pandy, couldn't agree with you more!
Anyone who can write a lyric with "girt" in it needs their bumps feeling!



Neil.

MURDER AT TESCO

Tired of constantly
Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.


The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.



However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave The premises.

Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)



'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco


Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

This made me chuckle

http://www.wimp.com/brassband/

There are many examples of what the world was like before the invention of clocks, watches and precision time pieces, but this one is perhaps the best....

Back in Alexander the Great's day, there was no really precise way to tell time--thus no way to organize a coordinated attack on the enemy at the same time. Alex set his sorcerers and alchemists working on the problem--how could all his men time an attack at precisely the same moment?

The alchemists got it--they came up with a chemical solution, a dye, that would suddenly change colors, from blue to red, at a certain time. They would dye cloth in this solution, and Alexander had all his men tear the cloth into strips and tie the bands around their wrists or arms. Then, when they had stealthily surrounded the enemy, they could observe the color change and all attack at precisely the same time. This, of course, brought great success to Alexander's army. It was also the first known instance of...
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Wait for it....
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Alexander's Ragtime Band




Allen
'69 4/4

Extract from Coronation street

Ken Barlow : "Deirdre, they've got it all wrong. I just took a 15 year old escort to Kev's garage for a touch up"

(My apologies that we've already had a version of this gag before, but as it seemed topical....)

Captions if you wish. This was taken as Montlhery 2013 sent to me from a friend in the French Morgan club.

Made me smile

No gloves !!!