Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Watched that with Head Office and we both thought it was brilliantly funny! Makes us want to see him live.

Brian

Two priests are off to the locker room late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs,then yells .. . .
"Holy Mary, Mother of God Hand Lotion too !!!!!!!

He is superb (on DVD at least!). He did a gig in Bolton (his home town) and talked about his day, in that he took his mum to Asda for her weekly shop. He mentioned that it was great to get a parking slot right outside the shop, it was a parents and children space. He said it didn't mention the age!

Thanks Richard for posting the link, he really is a comic natural!

Brian

That reminds me of a joke my dad told me as a lad it took me years to get it.

A load of Nuns at bed time

The head shouts

Lights out at 10 o/clock

Candles out at 11 o/clock

...or in bed by 10 home by 11

Study: 25% of British toddlers know how to use an iPad.

That's nothing. 100% of Chinese toddlers know how to make one.

Again you bring my dad back to mind .
As a young man going out looking for girls .
He would say
" If you are not in bed for Midnight son
Come back home "
I always expected him to come out with something else .
Yet when I met my wife it was like I was going out with his daughter he would be on her side all the time if we had a tiff or row . Still miss his grin and advice along with the ear bashing

Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical!
To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used: (Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Excellent. I googled this, & there seems to be some debate as to whether Julie Andrews herself did perform this version, but you tube have quite a good rendition by Michelle Young

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH7fx40kAAA