Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Brilliant

+1

Now you know what our MP's call a Green party .

If my body was a car , this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
Iv'e got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus,
and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was . I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins .

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficently.

But here's the worst of it.



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

Brilliant.....:)

Somehow the following made it past the NSA over here in the colonies; not sure all of it will get past the Morgan censor but here goes........

A Man's Random Thoughts:
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>> Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
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>> The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
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>> I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
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>> My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
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>> I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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>> After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
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>> I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
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>> Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
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>> The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
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>> I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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>> A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
>> "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
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>> My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
>> "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
>
>

Weird......someone has just e-mailed that lot to me! Spooky!!

A drover, who just moved to Queensland fromVictoria walks into a bar and orders 3 glasses of XXXX.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the drover,
"You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One's in 'Tassie' , the other one's a 'sandgroper'. (lives in West Aust)
When we all left our home in Echuca', we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The drover becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Salvation Army and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

I'll drink to that

Great Graham, I'll borrow that if I may.