Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

A guy on a golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. . Writhing in agony , he falls to the ground . As soon as he could manage , he took himself to the doctor . He said " how bad is it Doctor ? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin-in ever way" The doctor told him , " I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight , it should be okay next week". He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint , taped it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon . That night in the hotel bedroom , she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said , " You're the first; no one has EVER touched these ". "He immediately drops his pants and replies,......." Look at this,.....still in the CRATE!"

After 20 years of marriage Bob and Jane had settled down into a comfortable routine. They still felt young but something was missing from their sex lives. Actually more than missing, virtually non existent. They decided to visit a sex therapist. After a certain amount of questioning the sex therapist came to the conclusion that their lives were just too routine. "You need a bit of variation" he said, "you need to try making love in a few places other than the bedroom. For example, when the mood takes you, try it on the couch in the lounge room, or in the kitchen. In fact wherever and whenever you like."

A week passes and Bob and Jane come back for the next appointment. Both are very happy, Jane is literally glowing. "We tried what you said" explains Jane, "It was just fantastic". "The only trouble was it turned out to be a bit more expensive than we expected." said Bob, "We have to buy a new washing machine". The sex therapist was a bit taken aback. "Yes" continues Jane "we were doing the washing and Bob sat me on top of the washing machine. What with the vibrations and all I just could not resist and we did it right there and then on top of the machine!". The therapist was confused, "What happened? Did you break the washing machine."

"Oh no. Nothing like that. We don't have a washing machine at home and now we are banned from all Penguin Laundromats!"

I think this clip is excellent, and dare I say rather risqué for a saudi comedian.

I particularly liked the use of beard scratching as a percussion instrument.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZMbTFNp4wI

In a tiny village on the Irish coast there lived an old unmarried lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she
dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old lady died peacefully. And, a few days after the funeral, when the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

I bought the missus a hamster-skin coat last week. As you do.

Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

Airlines

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks
in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an
off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying
the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up
another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on
her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian
Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says,

"Ryanair".

Mobile phone commuters
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.

It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty,but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

I left some Quorn in the supermarket the other day. I went back and asked, "Have you seen my vegetarian mince?"

The shop assistant replied, "No, but walk up and down and I'll give you my honest opinion"

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my Dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream truck hadn't come along."