Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Pensioner's reply re Tesco
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO’.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of daft things to say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends... it will be their laugh for the day.

After a toxic Monday morning that made me laugh, thank heavens.

Thanks Richard.

Another Staff memo:

All,

I'd like to apologise for the dismal failure of our firework display last Saturday.
I'm still investigating, but all I can confirm at this stage is that they all worked perfectly when I tested them on Friday night.

HR

WINTER FUEL PAYMENT - WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.



Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.



Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.



Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.



Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.



Below is some helpful advice on how best to help the UK Economy by
spending your 'Winter Fuel’ money wisely:


* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China,
Taiwan or Sri Lanka


* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs


* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and
Guatemala


* If you buy an efficient car it
will go to Germany, Japan or Korea


* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan


* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.



Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1. Spending it at car boot sales

2. Going to night clubs

3. Spending it on prostitutes

4. Buying beer or whisky

5. Getting yourself a Tattoo

6. Visiting a bookie


(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the UK)


Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute
that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night.

Can't wait to get my cheque so I can show my true patriotism.

Andy

Better still, buy 2 Morgans. They need your money.

Citizen v Inland Revenue

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'


I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet....’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with grandpa's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing' Grandpa asks? 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of
your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that
stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


-I keep telling you! Don't Mess with OldPeople!!

Brilliant!!!