Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Yes, not bad after a hard nights sleep must have rubbed off from in the hospital last night with Snr and Jnr she wanted the loo so had to go looking its a huge place . The lift was full and a Jock with a hand in his coat pocket was rude to me as I stood their . I said to him "typical Scotsman the lift is free and you still have your hand on your money" .The folk in the lift burst out laughing at the sour faced? it shut him up. I got wrong off Jnr

A woman comes home from work early expecting to find her husband at home.
No sign of him downstairs, so she goes upstairs and to her shock see two pairs of feet sticking out from under the duvet in their bedroom.
Enraged she picks up a large pot and beats and beats the duvet until there is no movement.
She heads back downstairs, still shaking and looking to get a drink, at which point her husband comes in from the garage.

"Hello dear. Your parents decided to drive down, but when they got here they were really tired, so I told them to go up and use our bed"

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the German Shepherd and said, " So why are you here ? "

The Sheppard replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do? "

"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Shepherd.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Shepherd then turned to the Lab and asked "why are you here ?"

The Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ? " the Sheppard inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Lab said.

The Shepherd then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Lab and the Shepherd exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I
went into town and visited a shop.

When I came out, there was a warden writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a--hole” ..... He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So then I called him a “s--t head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then my bus arrived, and I got on it
and went home.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
Accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of Things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop
Computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
Partners for the night and experience one another..

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, Weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long Enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his Forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
Quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but It is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is Extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and made mad
Passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
Separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any Good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was Wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a Headache .
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!'

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet....

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with grandpa's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing' Grandpa asks? 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and p*ss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Fox Hat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBoMagVsV_c

This is hilarious !!!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on its way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:
Here lies an Athiest , all dressed up and no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousei Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only The Good Die Young.

In a London, England, cemetery :
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8. 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery.
Here lies Johnny Yeast...
Pardon him for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery.
Here lies the body of Johnathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Siver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here Lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
one to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low.
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
TO WHICH SOMEONE REPLIED BY WRITING
ON HIS HEADSTONE .
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.


It say's ,
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries ...
Some interesting things on old Headstones! My old man taught me to do it nothing he liked better than a look in old or ancient grave yards in out of the way places and I have followed his ways.

....or my favourite "I Told You I Was Ill", Spike Milligan.

Here under my wife doth lye
She is at peace and so am I