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Aug 24th, 2023
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 14,976 Likes: 1
Member of the Inner Circle
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Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 14,976 Likes: 1 |
+2 
Richard
1976 4/4 4 Seater
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468 |
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel.
The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.
"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"
"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.
"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"
"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"
Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."
2009 4/4 Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Connaught Green +8 prev
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468 |
Lucas Jokes
•Why didn't the Germans bomb the Lucas plants during WWII? The Germans considered Lucas an ally.
•The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
•"And the Lord said 'let there be light'...Joseph Lucas replied 'no way, Lord, no way'."
•Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness".
•Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
•Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
•The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
•The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.
•"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob..."
•If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
•Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
•It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
•Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"
•Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.
•Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
•Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.
•Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
•Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times clockwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."
•Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
•Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.
•In the 1980's Lucas tried to get into the newly burgeoning PC market, but they discontinued the product when they couldn make it leak oil.
•Why are there no skyscrapers in London? Lucas makes elevators
•Lucas Factory motto, put in a good day's work then home before dark.
•Why is there no death penalty in England? Lucas makes electric chairs.
2009 4/4 Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Connaught Green +8 prev
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 190
L - Learner Plates On
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L - Learner Plates On
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 190 |
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel.
The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.
"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"
"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.
"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"
"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"
Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that." TOO FUNNY!!  As a Texan, I must confess that I STILL have a couple of cars like.  
Past The City Limits
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468 |
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break...
1st surgeon: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is colour coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon who has been quietly listening to the conversation: "I like British car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
2009 4/4 Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Connaught Green +8 prev
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468 |
Just in case you're bored - a few tricks for you to try !http://safeshare.tv/w/MRMDIWCFecThere is a lot more people that need locking up I think.
2009 4/4 Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Connaught Green +8 prev
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 15,794 Likes: 14
Formerly known as Aldermog Member of the Inner Circle
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Formerly known as Aldermog Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 15,794 Likes: 14 |
Women make the best assassins The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said, 'I had to kill him with the chair!' Don't mess with 
Peter,
66, 2016 Porsche Boxster S
No longer driving Tarka, the 2014 Plus 8...
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 35,773 Likes: 468 |
I am not responsible for this one, merely passing it on...
I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
2009 4/4 Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Connaught Green +8 prev
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 986
Talk Morgan Regular
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Talk Morgan Regular
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 986 |
Disgraceful! (he he he).
Andy
Laser red 4/4
Red Classic Mini Cooper Sport
Audi TT 2.0 TFSI Quatro
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 26,747 Likes: 419
Member of the Inner Circle
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Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 26,747 Likes: 419 |
Very non PC. Keep em ccoming
JohnV6
2022 CX Plus Four
2025 MG ZS EV aka Trigger
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