Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

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one who flew the cuckoos nest, so to speak

Two girlfriends confide:
Then, it went well last night for Valentine's Day?
No, not at all; it was a real disaster. My husband arrived home, in four minutes he had gobbled the dinner I had had spent all afternoon carefully preparing, he made love to me in three minutes, then turned on his side and after two minutes was already fast asleep. How about you?
Oh, my night was incredible! When I got home my husband was waiting for me at the door and invited me out to a romantic dinner. Then after dinner we took a walk for an hour. Back home he lit all the candles that were in the house and started with foreplay that lasted an hour! Then we made love for another hour! Finally we talked for another hour. It was just wonderful!
At the same time the two husbands discuss among themselves:
Then how was last night? All right?
It was fantastic ... .. When I got home dinner was ready. I ate, we made love and I fell asleep. How about you?
For me it was hell!
I came home early to repair the cupboard in the kitchen. When I started to drill a hole I hit a wire, shorted out all the power in the house, and it was impossible to fix it. When she came home I took her to dinner at the restaurant otherwise she would have been pissed off. Dinner was so dear that I had no money for a taxi and we had to walk for an hour to get home. Then because there was no electricity in the house, I had to put all the damn candles everywhere to get some light. This whole thing made me so upset so that it took a good hour until I was hard and yet another to "finish". In the end I was still so pissed off that I couldn't get to sleep and all she did was talk, talk, talk ...

A Senior Citizen Trying To Set A Password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain exclamation marks.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

P.m.s.l

Yep I went through about three hours of that today, attempting to fill in the new LEI required for currency switching.

Nightmare

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every
day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and
discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think
much about it and figured maybe he had a cold
or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Fred really got worried. However, since the only
time they ever got together was at the park, Fred
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to
find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen
the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the
park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him and
told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the
world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little
blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I
sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich
and she filed rape charges against me; and, at
89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into
court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Its pretty hot in Sydney at the moment and I had some airconditioning problems in an office in the city. After they were sorted out I was sent this:
--------------------------------------------


DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the pholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat dermot. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant *#@^ ing blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from #@*^ ing Perth ....

October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the #@^*ing aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to #@*^ing throttle him. #@*^ing heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking $#@*ing wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my #@&^ing arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my *&$#ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a @#&^ing recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and @#^*ing sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two #@*&ing months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn &*#@ing place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the *&#@ing pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the @#*&ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the *&@#ers!

November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 @#*&ing degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid $@*&er. *&@#ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented @#*&ing idiot would want to live here!

December 1 -
WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are #@*&ing kidding!

At the Magistrates court a gardner was convicted of abuse for "forceing his rhubarb".
He was also convicted of driving an unsafe vehicle ...it was full of carrot.
It was a Scandinavian car ...a Swede.
It leeked fluids everywhere.
The car was crimson in colour...oops! That should be radish.
He had the book thrown at him....his record showed that as a soldier he had spent a lot of time in the "glasshouse" mainly for raking in the cash by bateknuckle fighting, hence his cauliflower ear.
A search found drugs in his potting shed.
It was so full there was not mushroom for anything else.

Phill have you by any chance been in the potting shed today?

An Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey'

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
...At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said...
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.