Talk Morgan Forums Community Vehicle Talk (non-Morgan) Confessions from quality control / an amusing book

I hope I'm OK to mention this here. If not I hope a Mod can point me in the right direction. Ta.

As some of you might know I occasionally write for a few car mags, and make the odd film, too. What you won't know is that during the 1990s I sold rather expensive quality inspection equipment to car factories around the world. This gave me a unique insight into how cars are made and how different companies handled quality. It was also hugely entertaining for all the wrong reasons.

I have written a book telling stories of bodges and balls-ups at factories such as Peugeot, Ford, Toyota and Vauxhall and further afield in the US, China and elsewhere. I get locked in an asylum following a meeting at Skoda, for example, and get kicked out of Porsche. There's quite a bit of BL in it, too, but no Morgan. As it says in the blurb this book aims to 83% amuse, 12% inform and 5% other. There are 30 chapters in total, some little snippets below;

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"The voice was attempting English and it sounded a bit urgent and desperate. “FRAMES!” I asked what they were doing with the equipment and understood they had put it outside the factory. What was it doing there?! “ROTS OF FRAMES – IT ON FIRE!”. We didn’t ask them to return the equipment, and didn’t attempt to sell anything to Japan again."

"Bob was slowly asking for the number of Boots in Barking. As he was connected he calmly looked Tefal in the eye and told him he was on his break. Tefal, now raging “snot fackin’ break yet!”, grabbed £2000’s worth of test instrument and blindly threw it, still ranting, missing a chap who was passing with a tea trolley but hitting his urn with a clang. Bob was talking to Boots and stroking his fringe. “No”, he drawled “it’s not auburn, it’s deeper, more of a burnt ochre. It’s usually in a bigger bottle. That’s the one. 6.75? I’ll collect later. No, madam, thank YOU. “ He was ordering hair dye in company time. Tefal screamed one last, lung-bursting “YOO CANTS!” and stomped off. Bob never even flinched."

"I told my translator to tell him that someone so clean shaved couldn’t possibly be management, and to bring the real boss. He nervously translated and the man left the meeting, chuntering in Polski, and came back with a man with a ‘tache the size of sofa."

"The worker, mind eventually scrambled by lights and inane plinky-plonk electronic torture, took revenge. The robot followed a pre-defined route, the shortest route possible, by detecting and following a metal strip fitted to the floor. The worker brought in a roll of metal tape and laid a new path for the robot to follow. It was last seen heading Southbound for the A19."

"An over-officious young Bavarian upset some obstinate worker and mutual hatred erupted. The workers all went to the pub and conceived a brilliant plan of revenge. The following morning management were shocked to discover they couldn’t understand their workforce. Questions were seemingly answered in gibberish. They were answered in Welsh."

"Kaizen – this means, literally, improvement. In a production environment that might mean elimination of waste, better efficiencies, or (Rover) getting the canteen to serve their soup with fewer lumps in it"


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If this makes you smile, and I hope it does, you can pre-order via a kickstarter I have set up. It only takes your money and the book gets printed if the target is met and sufficient copies are pre-sold, so it's risk-free. There's a link to follow. I'd welcome your feedback and comments, I'm rather nervous about this! Thanks, Rich.

Link here; https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/bod...e-book?ref=card

Copy ordered

Thanks Chris!

Whisper it, but our little film may well be on Motors TV on Saturday nights in a few months. I'll post up a link when I have one.

Delighted with the response to my book so far. Thanks to any of you chaps who may have backed it.

Excellent - looking forward to it

What are you doing typing on here man - go finish the book. Kick'd

Copy ordered.

I could be on dodgy ground here....
Have MMC commisioned you to write their Quality Manual?

ROTFL lots.

To all at the factory peeps that must read this. I salute you for putting up with a load of moaning gits but please remember they are not all meant to make THAT noise.

I placed my order for the book, get on with it - you are setting an expectation.

Are you seriously selling the 968? Sad - its one of the most wonderful and underestimated things that got to lay rubber on road. The Sport being the best combo of road and track that was hatched. I had two 968CS at different stages and they were both the finest blend of Porsches values I will ever have owned. For Buzz:££ they knocked it so far out of the park that it was gone. 911:blah.

Ordered...hope to see it!

Thanks all. Alistair, I was sad to sell the 968 but an impending financial rodgering meant it was unavoidable. Great, great car. It sold instantly and is now awaiting collection. My Sinclair C5 went, too, as I'm losing some storage space and having a clear out. My MX-5 was spared.

Anyway. The book! Now with added chapters, pictures and workplace-based anarchy. I'm astounded at the kind support, so many pre-orders! It's finished and ready to go (bar some minor legal tweakery), the KickStarter ends in a few weeks time.

Thank you all, it means a lot to me.