Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

It's a cracker

Very funny - I enjoyed that!!

When it comes to Trump: nothing is funny but all is rather scary.
Let's hope he causes not too much damage within the next 4 years

Twilight Zone
Many a true word...
Sunday Herald hits nail on head?

Too true!

Some good old ones!!
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You got to love Grandmas!

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lysine me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lysine me, boy! Soma day you gonna be runner ad business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna come home and maybe find you wife in bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Pointe to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Frighteningly he makes sense on this one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZnlz-b2NnY

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room , drinking a sip out of each one in turn.


When finished all three, he returns to the bar and orders three more. The barman says to him. "You know , a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.


The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together".


The barman admits that this in a nice custom, and leaves it there.


The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each one of them in turn.


One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.


When he returns to the bar for the second round, the barman say's, " I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.


The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawn's in his eye and he laugh's .


"Oh, no," he say's, Everyone is fine. It's me.... I've quit drinking !.

Brilliant John

Richard I popped this on because TM is a bit quiet . By the way I had mates like that . Y/day while at work a baldy old guy came in asked do I know a John Tough and he was a year younger than me . When I asked why and who is he , he was a lad I went out with in a group in the mid 1970s he looked old and a head with no hair at all . I had to ask who he was . He had some funny ideas of what I was like then said I liked the lady's . Well I never . Sorry unable to print most of what he said about me . By hell I have quietened down and become very conservative to what I was . I just grew up got married and had a family don't even think he knew the true me like my close mates did.