Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

POSTMAN'S PATS LAST DAY .
It was postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather .
To the same villages and towns .
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there who hugged and congratulated him on his way with a cheque for 50/- quid .
At the second home they presented him an-18 carat gold watch .
The folks at the thirs house handed him a bottle of 15 year old Scotch Whisky .
At the fourth house he was met by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind . With the most passionate sex he had ever experienced . When they went downstairs, the Blonde fixed him a full English Breakfast: Bacon, eggs, sausage , black pudding, tomatoes, mushrooms, beans, hash browns, and fried bread . With freshly squeezed fresh orange juice . As she was pouring him a cup of fresh steaming coffee he noticed a quid coin on in his saucer. All this was just to wonderful for words . He said " but whats the quid for?". " well" said the dumb blonde " last night I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you". "I asked him what I should give you."
He said F**k him, give him a quid. She smiled shyly and said " the breakfast was my idea".

CHURCH BULLETINS

The fasting and the prayer conference includes meals

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and any other items to be recycled . Proceeds will be used to cripple children .

The sermon this morning . Jesus walks on water .
The sermon tonight Searching for Jesus.

Ladies don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husband .

Don't let worry kill you off-let the church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again"
Giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .

For those of us who have children and don't know it.
We have a nursery downstairs

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in church .
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall .
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, The sermon topic will be
" What is Hell .
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed to the addition of several new members .
and deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donations in the envelope
Along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The Church will hold an evening of fine dining ,
Super entertainment and gracious hostility .

Pot-luck Supper Sunday at 5pm .
Prayer and medication to follow.

The Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They may have been seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.

Bring a blanket and be prepared to sin .

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The low self esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7pm
Please use the back door.

The eighth -graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday 7pm.

The congregation is invited to attend the tragedy.

Would the Gentlemen using toilet take note we are having problems with the wind.

The Welsh now have their own internet porn channel. Its called Ewetube. [/quote]

Most valleys towns have leisure centres....a sheep is tied to a lamppost in the town centre.
One chap was caught using it out of hours.
He was a baaaaad boy and told he mutton do it again.

He should take a tip of the jocks and start looking for Heather

Scottish sheep are VERY nervous. Scotsmen wear kilts and therefore there is no sound of a zip to alert them.....

As I get older I realize

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud .

3. I don't need anger management I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment . Now its a mini vacation.

7.The day the world runs out of wine is just to terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes; come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller.

10. Getting lucky means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

To Hell with number 9 and 3 sizes smaller .

Brilliant, it sums me up.....!

Peter

And me

Has just summed me up! on my desk is a plastic pencil sharpener in the shape of a heart . I picked it up and did a George Michael for her . "Last Christmas I gave you my heart" . She said " you are mad " and ran off . I was only being romantic wait till bedtime I will have a headache let her get out of that.