Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

Can anyone recommend a lightning conductor engineer who doesnt charge the earth?

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Paddy decides to start a handyman service to make some extra money.

He walks around a wealthy neighborhood and walks up to the first house and knocks on the door.

A man answers the door and Paddy asks "'scuse me Sir, Is der anny t'ing yer'l be wantin doin' at all at all".

The man tells him "The porch needs painting, how much would that cost?"

Paddy replies "How does fifty poinds soind?" The man agrees so Paddy gets to work.

When the man goes back into his house his wife asks him "That's very cheap - does he know that the porch goes right across the front of the house?" He tells her "He must know it, he saw it."

About an hour later, Paddy comes to the door to collect his money.

He says "I had some paint left over so I put on two coats."

The man is really impressed and gives Paddy the money.

Paddy thanks him and and as he is walking away says "And by the way, it's a BMW, not a porch."
viking

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, indispensible, he's really the backbone of The Regiment. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity. A particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I was awarded both the Sword of Honour and the Queen's Medal at Sandhurst, joined the Regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Gold Medal in the middleweight division at the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fu*k off."

Brought 800 cigarettes back for my friend after my holiday,
"How much do I owe you?" He enquired
"£385", I said,
"Kin 'ell, that's dear. Where did you go?" He shouted.
"Bournemouth" I replied

Those people who say they like the element of surprise are really not familiar with the periodic table.


A Roman Centurion walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
The barman says, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The Centurion says, "If I'd wanted a double I'd have asked for one."

This supposedly an email sent out by IBM to field service engineers re mouse problems......


"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

Wow, there's a real blast from the past. I think I read the first incarnation of that as a printout from the old IBM dial-up support bulletin board in the early 1980s.

It has been expanded a bit over the years but pretty much irrelevant now, it must be well over a decade since computer mice had balls.

Nothing worse than a sticky ball

Designed in Kernow but applies to Devon too..

Not that any of us would do this on holiday out of county of course

That´s why we prepared something years ago - was done by the Austrian tourism agency:


You can get it on mugs, t-shirs, stickers, ....

Some day they will know...

I had a letter arrive in Australia some years ago after a long delay. It had scrawled on the front "Not Austria". Apparently it went the long way round