Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

A man is lying in bed in hospital, with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

I must apologise but I have been stockpiling...

VERY VERY FUNNY!...Thanks!

They said I'd be fine wearing mask and gloves to go to the super market.

Bloody liars. Everyone else had clothes on.

That's the spirit Tim. With your mask on you'll be alright - did you manage to grab a roll or two!

Pat and Mike were driving down the road and Pat sees a church up ahead...."Mike, pull over". Pat runs in and goes into the confessional....."forgive me Father for I've been sinning"...the Priest says "What is it you've been doing my son?" "Oh Father it's adultery I've been committing"... The priest says..."hmm was it that Patty Flanagan?" "Oh no Father it wasn't her"..."hmm Kathy O' Riley then". "Oh no Father is wasn't her "hmm, then it was Shannon O'Hara". "Oh no Father it wasn't her, please ask me no more I'm dreadful shamed". Father gives him "Ten Mary's and go with God."

Pat runs out of the church and jumps into the car....Mike says...."how'd it go?"....Pat responds..."great I got us three new leads"

And freedom to sin with another ten Marys

n case teachers are having a problem creating home schooling packs here are some ideas:

SCIENCE...
1. Behaviour of gas and aerodynamics.....assemble, use and empty a vacuum cleaner.
2. Electricity..... discover the effect of electrical motors by plugging in and using the lawnmower.
3. Discover the effects of bleach on sinks and toilets and calculate the cost in time and materials of cleaning skid marks off toilets a) immediately, b) after they have set like concrete.
4. Understand the effects of static electricity by dusting the furniture.

HOME ECONOMICS
1. Cook your own dinner.
2. Add up the cost of everything you eat in a day
3. Calculate the cost of the electricity used by a Playstation and TV in a day.
4. Discover the effects of different loading patterns in a dishwasher against the cleanliness results, and calculate the cost of each load in A) standard mode and B) eco mode.
5. As Q4, but with a) washing machine and b) tumble dryer.

ENGLISH PRACTICAL
1. Create a log of how many times you have to repeat something because you didn't speak in clear concise English.
2. Understand the difference in results by asking a question
A) Clearly and quietly within a reasonable distance of a parent.
B) Screaming same question from another part of house while still wearing headphones and staring at screen.

Just thought of another.

ARCHEOLOGY..
Explore the yet to be planted veg patch to see what archaeological artifacts you can find. Stress the importance of using a methodical approach and working a row at a time. Key rule is that they can only dig down to one spade's depth.

Yes....I know... I am evil 😁

I am sure parents can come up with many more.

Stay safe everyone.