Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

Lovely, even Mrs R had a titter

Oooooo matron!

A lady walks into a Geordie hairdressers. 'Can you give me a perm?' she asks.
'Certainly, Madam' says the hairdresser, 'Ah wandered lernly as a clood...'

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do “ says the devil “ you’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got 3 people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves. “ Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed,

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in hell. “No” said Trump “ I don’t think so I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long”

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer time after time after time. “ No I’ve got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.” Commented Trump.
The devil opened the third door. In it Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said” yeah I can handle this “

The devil smiled and said “Monica you’re free to go”

A Chelsea based lawyer went duck hunting in Essex. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer in a West Ham shirt, drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing?

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial QCs in England, and, a Chelsea supporter. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take every penny you own so you'll be as skint as a West Ham should be."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we West Ham fans settle disputes in Essex. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The Chelsea lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart of a West Ham fan. Now it's my turn."

The farmer smiled and said, "Nah, it's OK man, I give up. You can have the duck."

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Reminds me of the cockney woman who thought that Pantene shampoo was the price.