Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

Problems with China? Nothing new

https://youtu.be/6zkL91LzCMc

Magic. I laughed out loud.

Genius.

"I hear you're a racist now Father. How would you get interested in that sort of thing?"

Dermot Morgan was an enigmatic character - off stage he was quite different - almost normal!!! I knew his son very well - he and I played hockey for the same club

Might come in useful as a few of us may be spending extra time on our projects at the moment. Obviously written by someone with experience....

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

A Nottingham woman has lost her case at Nottingham magistrates court today, after she tried to sue NHS Queens Medical Centre after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.

Mrs Minger of Bulwell aged 67 said to reporters outside the court this afternoon "Me and me 'usband Fred 'ave 'ad bangin sex till 'e went ta 'ospital and 'ad 'is operation, now 'e not interested 'n me and it's all down to them "

The surgen who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said " all I did was remove Fred's Cataracts."

Not exactly a tool but it fits in with the above toolkit.....
Superglue. For making sure that the next thing you touch stays touched.

An example. A real incident. In the cigar factory the cigar rollers sat at a machine. Girls with long legs needed pads on the machine panel for comfort. One girl asked her technician, named Dobbin, his real name, to put some foam pads on for her. He checked where her knees were, put copious amounts of superglue on the pads. Pressed them against the machine, holding them in place, not realising the glue soaked through the foam. He was there for quite some time as people queued to take the p**s before they got his fingers free, most still had skin on the tips.

This appeared in my email inbox. I think it may be spam.