Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms joke of the day

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could towards the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whisky bottle in each back pocket broke making the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell Paddy sprung up , pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band -Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning he woke up in searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Paddy said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, " it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band=Aids stuck on the Hall Mirror.


sent to my wife by her Irish friend

Ah, JTL. Good to see that you are still firing on all four.

class

Brilliant

That‘s the point why beer is today sold in cans ;-)

well the MOG is not I have took it off the road till spring ,
by the way most of the jokes come from a friend who is 91 and some of his others are a bit naughty cough cough













Dean a bloke in with his wife wanting a free 5 litre of green gloss he was p me off but more so his wife she wanted the same stuff from 20+ years ago AND BLOODY PRICE . Wonder if she wants me to paint it for her , I felt like it oddly BLACK AND BLUE came to mind. we all get them


ps . Time for you to take your good lady out

try the Chilton country club Fence houses its under new management , and better still The travelers rest WITTON GILBERT near durham fantastic food STEAK NIGHT ON THURSDAY . PS TRY Heineken no alcohol you can not tell

we expect no less from you

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22 , a woman is like AFRICA .

Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30,

a woman is like Europe .
Well-developed and open to trade,
Between 23 and 30,

a woman is
like Europe.
Well-developed and
open to trade,
especially for
someone of real
value.
Between 31 and 35,

a woman is like Spain, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her beauty .

Between 41 and 50,
a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all-
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a
woman is

like Israel has been through the war, doesn't
make mistakes

Between 61 and 70, she becomes Tibet,
wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of ages. An
adventurous spirit.

and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge.

An adventurous spirit
and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge .



THE GEOGRAPHY
OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80,
a man is like Iran,
ruled by nuts .



SORRY LADS GIVE ME GIRLS EVERY TIME .
THEY ARE LIKE MOGS GREAT TO LOOK AT
CANNOT KEEP OUR HANDS OFF THEM
AND COST A BLOODY FORTUNE

AND COST A FORTUNE

....or like the USA.

Ruled by a knob.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,

drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more . The bartender says to him,
,
you know a pint goes flat after you draw it. ; It would taste better if you bought on at a time .



The Irishman replies, Well, you see I have two brothers.

One in is in America , the other in Australia ,

and I am here in Dublin
.
When we all left home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

The Bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way .

He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints , All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says I don't want to intrude on your grief , but I

wanted to offer my condolences

on your great loss.

The Irishman looks confused for a moment , then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs .

Oh no he says everyone is fine Everyone is fine. its me.... I've quit drinking !