Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Just a smile.

They ould need the largest model though

Apparently every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes...
I've just done the calculations and I died in 1623

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his oldest grandson to his bedside:
"Grandson, I wanna you lisina me. I wanna you to taka my chroma-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
The grandson holds his old grandfathers hand and pats it. "But Pappa, I really don't like guns and I would not want to offend you. But how about you
leaving me your 24 karat gold Rolex watch instead, eh?"
The grandfather pulls his hand away. "You lisina me, soma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, you gonna hava lotsa money, a big gorgeousa home and maybe a couple bambinos. Thena soma day you goina coma home and maybe a you finda your wife in bed with
another man. Whata you gonna do then? Huh?Pointa to youa watch and say. 'TIMES UP?'"

Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 30 July 2012
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-

I am crying with laughter. Veet.

A bear walks into a bar in Boise Idaho and orders a beer.

The bartender says “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise Idaho.

The bear says “why? I have money, and mine is as good as anyone’s.”

The bartender says “that may be, but we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise Idaho.”

The bear says “I bet you’ll serve me if I start eating your customers!”

The bartender says “you can try, but we still don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise Idaho.”

So the bear walks down to the end of the bar to a woman sitting alone, and swallows her in one giant gulp.

He goes back to his barstool and says “I’ll take that beer”

The bartender says “I’m sorry, but we still don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise Idaho, and certainly not ones on drugs”

The bear looks confused “what do you mean on drugs? I haven’t taken any.”

The bartender nods towards the empty stool at the end of the bar and says “that was a bar b!tch you ate”

Valley of the Dolls....

[quote=

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his oldest ------- 'TIMES UP?'"[/quote]

Richard

Happened in Norolk he lost power on one Merlin on landing and overshot.