Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the Day Centre coffee morning.

'Do you realise,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'

'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'

'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'

'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'

'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive.

http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/car_woman_garage.jpg

This is so near the truth down here it's not funny

Trust me when I say its just the same if not worse hear in the garden of England ... we will have to start shooting eh!!!

I'll enrol with you

Can I join in? Parts of Gloucestershire aren't far off, together with the youngsters tearing up the streets, it's turning into a nightmare...

Regardless, here's another oldie:

Catholic Hairdryer

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

Oh definately we will have a possey soon !

An Oldie but goodey

Your definitely on board ... with jokes like that it will lighten up the cull

Alway give 100% at work

12% Monday.
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

A woman once said " That a man is like a deck of cards... You need:



A HEART TO LOVE HIM.

A DIAMOND TO MARRY HIM.

A CLUB TO SMASH HIS F/ING HEAD IN AND.

A SPADE TO BURY THE B/TARD.

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony .
On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area .
A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection .

The woman noticed his erection ,
came over to him and asked , " did you call for me?"

The man replied, " No, what do you mean?"

She said, " You must be new here . Let me explain. It's a rule that if you get an erection , it implies you called for me". Smiling she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room towards him.

" Did you call for me" asked the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.

"You must be new". answered the hairy man ,
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me".
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling , naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee".

"But Sir", she replied , "you've only been here a few hours , You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities".

"Listen lady , I'm 68 years old . I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I/m outta here".