Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

It's Star Wars day apparently

May the 4th be with you and all that old stuff !!!

First Thatcher dies, then Sir Alex retires .

Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and One wish left.....

Classic ! I love it.

Alex Ferguson actually retired 6 years ago, which is today after all the injury time.

Quiz for today:

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers' ?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is ?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World ?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow ?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name ?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World ?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra ?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon ?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party ?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope ?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one.. Is it Jewish ?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name ?
Contestant: Goosey ?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ? MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared ?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five ?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman ?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live ?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard: He makes bread . .. ..
Contestant: Er .. ......
Richard: He makes cakes . .. ..
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world ?
Contestant: Barcelona..
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent ?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit ?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta ?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry ?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three ?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again..
Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last ?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels ?
Contestant: Holland ?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible ?
Contestant: Er... .... ...
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables .. .. . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey ?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked ?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time ?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes ?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play ?
Contestant: Jesus.

Makes you proud of the British education system...

Now that Referees have to have drug tests.

When the time came for Howard Webb to have his, He panicked and used his wifes urine for his sample.


The Tester said "Well Mr Webb..There were no traces of drugs in your urine but you are six weeks pregnant and it appears that John Terry is the father".

Very good Graham

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a fewpounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

My mate Paddy rang me and said he's just got this bargain coat from House of Frazer. Originally it was £400 but he got it for just
£25. He said it was supposed to be slightly imperfect but he's had a look all over and the only thing he can find is one sleeve slightly
longer than the other two!

People should lay off Lance Armstrong I think what he achieved was amazing... When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike!