Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

-> The Moral of Auntie Sharon->
->A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
->parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
->The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
->stories.
->
->Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
->hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
->front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
->eggs got broken.'
->
->'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
->
->'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
->
->'Very good,' said the teacher.
->
->Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers
->too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen
->eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral
->to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
->
->'That was a fine story Sarah.'
->
->Michael, do you have a story to share?'
->
->'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
->was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
->
->She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
->of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
->
->She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
->landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
->
->She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
->ran out of bullets..
->
->Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
->And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
->
->
->'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did
->your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
->
->
->'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 ...correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Nigerian, and a South African. . . all walk into a rather grand restaurant.

The maître d' gives them a hard look, and says,

"I'm sorry...



...You can't come in here without a Thai! "

Ooh!!!

I like that.

A Roman walks into a pub...................

....sticks two fingers up to the bartender and says...''Five pints please''

COMPLETE and FINISHED ,

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED . .
However , in a recent linguists conference held in London , England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world :
Samsundar Balgobin , a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED . Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand .

Here is his astute answer :" When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE . But, when you marry the wrong woman , you are FINISHED , And when the right one catches you with the wrong one ,you are COMPLETELY FINISHED !"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

Very good Jack.

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. as they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other. " Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?".

The second nun answered . " Indeed it would "sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer , since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

" I can handle that without a problem ". The other nun replied and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer .
" We use beer for washing our hair " The nun said , " Back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo ".

Without blinking an eye , the cashier reached under the counter , pulled out a package of pretzel sticks , and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye. Smiled and said : " The curlers are on the house".